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Wednesday, 28 February 2007 15:52 |
| The Advice Goddess
Amy Alkon |
Although Iím a staunch feminist, I took my husbandís last name. We regularly get mail to ìMr. and Mrs. John Doe.î Because of my long-standing hatred of this method of address (eliminating the womanís first name), we deliberately return-addressed our wedding invitations and subsequent holiday cards with ìMr. John and Mrs. Jane Doe,î hoping people would understand our preference. Yet, even friends and family who knew me prior to marriage are writing ìMr. and Mrs. John Doe.î Surely my own loved ones would consider me someone who still has a first name! My husband understands my plight, but postulates that if Iím so bothered, I ought to inform the offenders. I do feel strongly about this (and all matters pertaining to a womanís right to her own identity), but Iím an extreme introvert whoíd rather die than hurt peopleís feelings. Should I care less about what others think and tell them theyíre hurting me by perpetuating something I find reprehensible?
óBlinding Rage
Dear
Mrs. John Doe: Enough about your blinding rage, letís talk about mine.
Last weekend, my boyfriend and I were staying at a hotel. I called down
to the front desk with a request. The front desk guy said, ìCertainly,
Mrs. Sutter!î Well, Iím not ìMrs. Sutter,î and I have no intention of
ever getting married. So . . . what was the proper response, lecturing
him in the myriad ways people have committed relationships these days ó
or simply thanking him for giving us late checkout?
Of course, I
understood that the guy was taking his best guess in an attempt to be
polite ó not suggesting that a woman sharing a hotel room with a man is
either his wife or a hooker. Likewise, itís doubtful your friends and
relatives are trying to communicate that youíve lost all personhood in
their eyes. Tradition says, and etiquette experts advise, that the
correct way to address correspondence to a married woman who took her
husbandís name is the way that peeves you most. Just a little something
to consider before you come on like the Kim Jong Il of Christmas card
feminism.
Yes, you did
mail out your personal Magna Carta on how you were to be addressed ó
communicated as a hint, probably in tiny script, on the upper left
corner of envelopes. Sorry, but what kind of person has the time to
pore over every piece of mail they get just in case thereís a hidden
message in the return address? Probably one whose choice of daily
activities is largely limited to chiseling through reinforced concrete
with a sharpened toothbrush or sitting on their cot waiting for parole.
The real problem
starts with you, the ìstaunch feministî who took her husbandís last
name. A wee bit of disconnect, huh? Luckily, thereís no need to admit
you didnít quite think this name-taking business through when you can
blame friends and family for your ìplight.î Couldnít you just be happy
you got Christmas cards? You could also follow the lead of an
increasing number of women who feel powerful enough that they can be
traditional, or even girly, without feeling like some subjugated
patriarchal tool.
Then again, if you canít help but see this as the
Western version of female circumcision, quit gnashing and send out a
polite announcement that youíll be using your maiden name. Yes, a woman
has a right to her own identity, but when she willingly takes a manís
name then wigs out when people actually use it ó well, itís kind of
like going to a Klan rally and getting all poopy when nobody will join
hands and sing ìWe Shall Overcome.î
Where do we goo from here?
Iíve been having a fling with a married musician. I made the mistake of
showing up at one of his gigs, drinking too much and getting mushy ó
telling him I wished our relationship could be more since we seem to
ìclick.î His reaction told me I shouldíve kept my mouth shut.
Mortified, I sent him a very apologetic e-mail but still havenít heard
from him. Did I blow it? I donít want this to end.
ó Woman Overboard
All you want is a stable, loving, adulterous relationship. Is that too
much to ask? If you can find an unhappily married insurance agent, you
might have a shot. But, this guy is not only married, heís a musician.
Even if heís just playing the bowling alley, when he says a song goes
out to ìa very special someone,î chances are you arenít the only girl
with a sly smile. The answer isnít convincing Justin Timberlanes you
want less ó itís finding somebody who wants more. Next time around, try
for a guy who wonít leave you standing in the parking lot because itís
not only too cramped in his love life, but because itís either you or
the drum kit in the van.
ï
Got a problem?
Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, No. 280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or
e-mail
This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it
www.advicegoddess.com).
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