|
Tuesday, 23 January 2007 16:16 |
| The Advice Goddess
Amy Alkon |
My 31-year-old daughter is pretty, in good shape, and a successful professional with lots of friends and interests. Weëre close and talk on the phone daily, but thereës one topic I canët mention: Dating. She claims Iëm driving her crazy and putting too much pressure on her because Iëm panicky about her situation. Iëm worried to death because sheës had 10-15 "boyfriends" in the six years sheës been out of grad school, but none for more than several months. Sheëll say they have no chemistry, heës too busy at work, has no personality, or they just donët connect. She assures me sheëll eventually find someone, but Iëm worried she doesnët know how to have successful relationships. Should I urge her to seek professional help (i.e., see a therapist)?
ÇƒÓ Her Mom
What
is this, neurosis by proxy? Youëre going somewhat crackers, so you want
your daughter to see a therapist? That makes about as much sense as
urging her to visit a proctologist because the guy next door has a
polyp.
So, at the
moment, your daughterës idea of her "better half" is whichever side her
hair doesnët part funny on. Surprise, surprise, with a graduate degree
and loads of friends and interests, she refuses to stick it out with
some loser, or to hole up at the back of a singles bar with a pair of
binoculars, scanning for his replacement loser. Is this cause for
concern ÇƒÓ or celebration? It seems oddly retrograde to have to remind
you that, these days, a girl can actually become somebody, and not just
somebodyës wife, girlfriend, or mistress on the side. Then again, the
U.S. Mint just announced a set of first lady commemorative coins. (What
are we commemorating, marrying well?)
Remember, you
describe your daughter as "pretty," not "pretty except for the red,
swollen bags under her eyes and the twin rivers of mascara running down
her face." Maybe sheës taking the salad bar approach to relationships ǃÓ
sampling a variety of vegetables to figure out what she ultimately
wants on her plate. Maybe sheës just not ready for a long or lifelong
relationship. Maybe sheëll never be ready.
Or, maybe she really hasnët
met the right man. If "her situation" becomes a source of misery for
her, sheës a big girl, sheëll do something about it. In the meantime,
having her visit a therapist could do some good ÇƒÓ for the therapist.
Think of how boring it must get listening to patients complain day in,
day out. Your daughter can pop in, pretty much satisfied with her life,
and give the therapist a much-needed opportunity to talk politics and
gossip about Paris Hilton.
Check your
calendar. It isnët 1622. Your daughter will not end up a lonely
spinster living in a mud hut and taking in wash if she doesnët Super
Glue herself to a man in the next 20 minutes. To your credit, it seems
you raised a pretty sensible girl. Sheës given herself freedom by
getting herself together emotionally and financially. If sheës secure
and happy on her own, sheëll only need a man if sheës happier and has
more fun with him than without him. At that point, she could have an
issue or two a little more weighty than "How do I dump thee?" Thatës
when she might welcome your advice ÇƒÓ providing you havenët alienated
her with the daily Inquisition. In other words, probably the worst
thing you could do for your daughter right now is what you have been
doing ÇƒÓ coming on like some psychotic Richard Simmons whipping a mule:
"Date! Date! Date! Make it stick! Snag a man before you die alone!"
Not cement to be
Surprise, Iëm
divorced! While therapy has helped me get over the end of my marriage,
it hasnët helped me get dates. Recently, Iëve seen a number of women in
passing Iëve wanted to ask out ÇƒÓ but can one approach a stranger on the
street corner?
ÇƒÓ Starting Over
Women have a
name for men who approach them on the street: Rapists. Donët take it
personally. The average woman has a lot less muscle mass and upper-body
strength than the average man, which means we really are the weaker sex
ÇƒÓ except for women with Glocks. Typically, women are at their most
approachable after theyëve gone indoors. Try to meet them in a public
place ÇƒÓ a bookstore, CD store, bar, or coffee shop ÇƒÓ somewhere your
interaction will take place in front of plenty of witnesses.
To seem an
even safer bet, become a regular. That said, thereës no hard and fast
rule against hitting on a woman on the street. On a sunny day, on a
well-traveled block, you might even have some luck. Or, worst-case
scenario, youëll learn thereës nothing like a spritz of pepper spray to
spice up a potential relationship.
ï
Got a problem?
Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, No. 280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or
e-mail AdviceAmy-at-aol.com www.advicegoddess.com).
|
|
|
