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Tuesday, 02 January 2007 13:41 |
| The Advice Goddess
Amy Alkon |
Iëve been dating an amazing man for a year. Heës considerate, funny, sexy, affectionate, intelligent and successful. He makes me feel like the most important thing in the world, we laugh and talk for hours, and I never thought sex could be so amazing. The problem? Heës 53 and Iëm 27. And no, Iëm not looking for a father figure. He looks 40 and is in better shape than most 30-year-olds. He has the most wonderful family, but two of his four kids are about my age, which makes me uncomfortable. I wonder what itëll be like if we have kids, worry that Iëll end up alone, and dread the constant comments over the years, "Oh, is that your father?" and "I guess you found your sugar daddy."
ÇƒÓ Age Fright
Okay,
it is kind of a drag to have both a baby and a husband in diapers. This
could happen to you ÇƒÓ but only if you toss your eggs and his sperm into
Ziploc baggies in some fertility doctorës freezer, and grow a fetus in
a Mason jar when youëre 60 and heës 86.
On the plus
side, think of all the great stories the old man could tell the kid
about his own childhood ÇƒÓ back when people were discovering fire and
inventing the wheel.
Aging isnët what
it used to be, and not just because plastic surgeons are crossing
peopleës jowls over their backs and tacking them to their shoulder
blades. So, numerically, your boyfriendës got 26 years on you.
These days,
there are 65-year-old punks on skateboards ÇƒÓ although thereës
occasionally some confusion as to whether wanting a joint means being
in the mood for pot or in need of a new knee.
Sure, the day
may come when "Papaës Got A Brand New Bag" because heës had a
colostomy, when "Abs of Steel" become abs of a Shar-Pei, or when you no
longer put on fishnet thigh-highs to play nursie, because he generally
isnët awake while youëre emptying his bedpan.
Then again,
there are obese, chain-smoking, "age-appropriate" men whose hearts give
out at 40 from rigorous sex ÇƒÓ not having it, just thinking about it.
Maybe youth
really is wasted on the young, since it takes a much older man to truly
appreciate a hot young girlfriend: "Yeah, baby . . . whoës yer
Granddaddy?!" What does a 27-year-old guy have that your boyfriend
doesnët? Probably a lot of confusion about who he is and what he wants,
and a driving ambition to sort it out ÇƒÓ even if it means staying up all
night doing Jell-O shots and having sex with your best friend.
If youëve found
a love like this youëre in the minority ÇƒÓ or a fictional character in a
Nora Ephron movie (check under your bed for Rob Reiner if youëre
unsure). There are those who will snidely refer to your relationship as
"Antiques Roadshow;" especially women your boyfriendës age who wish
they could have a sugar daddy, and men your boyfriendës age who wish
they could be one.
If youëre going
to let others dictate how you live, why not make it official? Go up to
strangers on the street and say, "Got any problems with me dating the
old dude? Because if you do, Iëll just stay home and watch CSI." What
will make your relationship less of a news item is how you react. Do
you cower while people conduct whispering campaigns speculating on your
ulterior motives? Or, do you cut them off mid-whisper and state your
ulterior motives loud and clear: "Who cares about his money? Iëm just
using him for sex."
A shine of the times
My husband
mail-ordered two nail care kits so he can buff, file and oil his nails.
They cost $32. I think itës very feminine for him to have perfect shiny
nails. Is this a sign of something, or am I overreacting?
ÇƒÓ Worried Wife
Fingernail
maintenance is such a slippery slope. One day, a manës pushing back his
cuticles, the next, heës bringing home a friend in a hot pink miniskirt
named Todd. Whether your husband will have girlie nails or two more
boxes cluttering the garage remains to be seen. Still, heës a man who
not only noticed he has hands, but decided to groom them. Is he gay? Is
he having an affair? Is he gay and having an affair? Or, did his boss
glance at his hands and ask if he found inspiration in PETA posters of
trapped animals gnawing off their paws? Tease him a little and you
might learn something. Make a big, ugly deal out of this and itës
likely to get bigger and uglier. Unless the $32 will impede you from
paying rent or buying groceries, whatës the problem? . . . Well,
assuming your grooming advice for him remains limited to stuff like
"trim your nose hairs," not "go a little easier on the eyeliner."
ï
Got a problem?
Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, No. 280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or
e-mail AdviceAmy-at-aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com).
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