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Tuesday, 26 December 2006 14:38 |
 | | Roland Martin |
CHICAGO ÇƒÓ Spending time with family during the holidays is absolutely fun. With nine nieces and two nephews, itës great for me to roll on the floor, toss them in the air and tickle them until they are out of breath.
But then there are the folks who arenët quite full of Christmas cheer. You know who they are ... the nutty family members and "visitors" who drive you up the wall when they come near.
As
a result, Iëve decided to pull out "Uncle Ro Roës Rules for the
Holidays." They are designed to help you deal with the madness that
ultimately comes calling during the yuletide season.
Rule 1: Do not allow anyone to bring his or her own food containers into your home.
Donët you hate
preparing a great meal for the family, and then there is that fool who
plans out his meals for the rest of the week based on what you paid
for? There are some people who come calling with their own containers,
foil, Saran wrap and wax paper, hoping that your hard work will mean
less work for them in the kitchen. Now if itës your choosing to offer
them some food to take home, great. But keep those moochers at bay by
smacking them with a frying pan if they start carting off food as if
they were the caterer.
Rule 2: Bad kids will be severely
punished.
Itës great to
see kids running around the house, laughing, giggling, playing and just
having a great time. Yet for some reason we have to deal with that
problem child who chooses to rip the head off of the new doll your
niece got for Christmas, or make a huge mess while eating.
Unfortunately, they are accompanied by a parent who refuses to
discipline them. Not me! If itës your house, you reserve the right to
drop down your rules. That means whipping their spoiled butts. Thatës
right. If your kid acts a fool and you donët take the appropriate
action, say hello to my little friend ÇƒÓ the belt!
Rule 3: Put the remote control down.
Do we really
need to explain this? Itës not your TV, you donët pay the cable bill,
so if the game is on and the ladies want to watch figure skating, or
the kids want to catch the 15th sequel of some movie, fine. Just shut
up and deal with it. But you better not touch that remote.
Rule 4: Keep the family dinner prayer within reason.
I love Jesus,
and my wife is an ordained minister, but man, some folks just go on and
on and on! (Thatës you, Momma.) I donët mind a nice prayer, but can we
at least get it done by New Yearës Eve?
Rule 5: If youëre not officially in the family, you get no gifts.
Girlfriends,
boyfriends, partners and significant others are meaningless. Marriage
has its privileges. I donët buy gifts for folks who may not be there
next week. You can visit, eat and have fellowship, but there will be
nothing under the tree for you without a ring on the finger and a
signed marriage license.
With that, have a great holiday season!
ï
Roland S. Martin, editor of The Chicago Defender newspaper, is author of "Speak, Brother! A Black Manës View of America."
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