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Tuesday, 14 November 2006 14:21 |
| The Advice Goddess
Amy Alkon |
Before my husband married me, he was engaged to "Vera." Vera was financially and emotionally dependent on him after leaving friends, family and her business to be with him. They broke up and she eventually moved out. My husband didnët tell Vera we were engaged until she surprised him at work just before our wedding. She then said sheëd been feeling suicidal and complained of some unspecified physical problem. She now calls about once a month, often asking for favors. I find their contact disturbing, but he insists they are just friends, and says heëll always love her but is not "in love" with her. I know she must be a good person, or he wouldnët have been with her. Would it be okay to write Vera, in a very reasonable tone, and ask her to carefully consider the impact that maintaining a relationship with my husband has on her, on him, and on his relationship with me?
ÇƒÓ Worried Wife
Oh,
do write Vera, and the next time youëre being attacked by a rabid dog,
give him a little lecture on the effect his fangs will have on your leg
and on your health care co-payments.
Vera has to be
pretty torn up about the impact sheës having on your marriage. Sheës
probably just too busy to realize it, what with her plans to off
herself with rusty cuticle clippers ÇƒÓ if only your husband would be a
dear and bring a pair by.
Yes, the ladyës
a cold sore with telephone privileges, but if youëre going to get
worked up about another woman, is Vera really the best you can do? You
couldëve waited for one of those "world at their feet" supergirls, but
no, you settled for an aging waif who probably has the self-image of a
bug about to be squashed under somebodyës big toe. Like too many women,
Vera apparently dropped everything for a man, or rather, the dream that
some man would be The Answer ÇƒÓ ending up with nothing when The
Answer
was pre-empted by The Question, "Do you think you can be out of here by
the first?"
Of course your
husband still has feelings for Vera ÇƒÓ probably guilt for being the
object of her bad gamble, and for his tardiness in informing her heëd
recast her dream wedding with a new lead. As for any dreams youëre
having of surrounding your marriage with high-voltage barbed wire, if
your husband is one of those bleeding hearters ÇƒÓ perhaps one reason you
fell for him ÇƒÓ youëll have to take the good with the good to everybody
else. Yes, be prepared for him not only to put up with Veraës demands
but to be the first guy his college buddies think to ring when theyëre
down and out (need quick cash for a new speedboat).
Meanwhile,
youëve got the man; Veraës got the occasional handyman. Forget the pen
pal proposition. The last thing you want to do is send Vera a little
reminder to keep up the good work. Hereës a little secret: You donët
make a man faithful by sticking his life under a shrink ray, but by
making your relationship a place he wants to be. In other words, forget
any thoughts of going behind your husbandës back and wagging a finger
at Vera. Instead, try to see her for what she is ÇƒÓ an emotional
panhandler making a desperate cry for . . . home improvement. Yes,
sheës determined to throw herself off her terrace ÇƒÓ but first sheëll
need your hubby to pop over to repaint her bathroom and fix the latch
on her sliding glass door.
The snore of Babylon
After a great
Friday night date, I ended up spending all weekend at an older
studentës apartment. He wanted to have sex, but I told him Iëm waiting
until marriage. Monday afternoon, I returned for stuff Iëd accidentally
left, and he was all weird. What do you think happened?
ÇƒÓ Freshman Psychology
College guys are
used to pledging to wear protection before having sex. Of course, the
protection they have in mind prevents pregnancy and disease, not
untimely embarrassment when youëre both celebrating your 75th wedding
anniversary and your bladders arenët what they used to be. For future
reference, a guy doesnët invite you to stay over at his place because
heës worried you arenët getting a good nightës sleep in your bunk bed
at the dorm. You can have your values, but if you find it awkward to
whip out your purity pledge card on the first date, you might seek guys
who want what you want; or rather, donët want what you donët want. Then
again, since college is a place to refine critical thinking skills,
this could be the perfect time for you to figure out whether you really
are saving yourself for marriage ÇƒÓ or just for next semester.
ï
Got a problem?
Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, No. 280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or
e-mail AdviceAmy-at-aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com)
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