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Tuesday, 10 October 2006 13:36 |
| The Advice Goddess
Amy Alkon |
My boyfriend and I evacuated New Orleans right before Katrina. We spent the last year in limbo, with our fundamental personality differences thrown into sharp relief. He is a failed professor with no ambition and holds me responsible for his entire self-worth and well-being. He makes a quarter of my salary, yet insists on living a lifestyle that my money affords. He works for evangelical Christians under a ruse that he is Catholic and engaged to me, but he is an atheist and we are hardly engaged. I do love him, but perhaps the only reason weëre together is that weëre in a very different part of the country with only each other to rely on. Iëve tried ending it three times, but he always insists, "We must agree to break up." He has a Ph.D. in philosophy with a specialty in logic, and with my M.F.A. in poetry, I cannot win an argument against him. He wants us to see this shrink next week to work out our differences. Would it be callous of me to break it off for good and return to New Orleans?
ÇƒÓ Feel Guilty Abandoning Him
You
should feel worse about abandoning Elizabeth Barrett Browning. Remember
her famous poem, "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways"? I donët
think one of the ways was "Like a homeless junkie hustling you for cash
in your own living room."
Okay, so last
year, when Katrina hit, it was just the two of you against the
elements. Understandable. A year later, itës still just the two of you
against the elements. Not so understandable. What, youëre forced to
huddle together in case they crank the air conditioning at the wine
bar?
You do say
youëre braving a very different part of the country with only each
other to rely on. Yes, life can be a constant battle on the brutal
suburban tundra. Apparently, teamwork is the secret to your survival:
You get the check. You also get the tip. And he gets to remind you of
his vast intellectual superiority.
Sorry, but
Aristotle mudwrestling Emily Dickinson this isnët. The guyës an
ambitionless, ethically vacant mooch. Sure, heës got a degree in
philosophy, and a specialty in cheap manipulation (basically, heës a
tapeworm with a Ph.D.).
You do have to
hand it to the guy, whoës at his most industrious when heës desperate
to stay lazy. To that end, heës now proposing a shrink to help you work
out your differences; namely, your inability to find being used
anywhere near as sexy as he finds using you. Lemme guess, couples
counseling, single payer?
Thanks, but you
already have a fantastic shrink, one whoës cheap, brief and dead. Yes,
Gertrude Stein told you everything you need to know about your future
with this guy: "A sponge is a sponge is a sponge."
After all youëve
been through with him, you do owe him one thing: Not being in such a
hurry to get out of there that you back over him with the U-Haul.
You owe yourself
more ÇƒÓ answers to a few questions: Did you fall in love or did you just
step in it? If youëre responsible for his well-being, whoës watching
out for yours?
And finally,
donët you deserve more than a mind-gaming user? Even if he does have
you confused about the difference between "fiance" and "financing" and
the significance of "self" in "self-worth," there actually is no
argument to be won or lost here, thereës only youëre unhappy, and
youëre leaving.
Or, in poetic terms, "Roses are dead, violets are caving, if I wanted to adopt, Iëd pick a child who isnët shaving."
Ploy crazy
I met a girl I
really liked, and for two months, we spent part of every day together.
We were only a little physical because sheës in a relationship, a
"stale" one, but she claimed she couldnët help herself, Iëm "so darn
hot, blah, blah, blah." Her boyfriend proposed, and she suddenly turned
off all the warmth and hasnët called since. Obviously, this was over
before it started, so whyëd she even bother?
ÇƒÓ The Sucker
Letës hope you
donët take the same approach to securing employment: every day,
grabbing your briefcase, packing a lunch and standing in the hall
outside Tedës office waiting for him to quit or get fired. In the
future, when youëre looking for a relationship with somebody, avoid
picking somebody whoës still in a relationship with somebody else.
Keep in mind,
daily availability for furtive groping isnët the same thing as general
availability. As for why this girl even bothered, she did call you "so
darn hot, blah, blah, blah" ÇƒÓ "blah, blah, blah" perhaps being her way
of saying "thereës nothing like a little new meat to inspire the old
meat to come up with a side of carats."
ï
Got a problem?
Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, No. 280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or
e-mail AdviceAmy-at-aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com)
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