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Tuesday, 26 September 2006 14:55 |
| The Advice Goddess
Amy Alkon |
Youëll think Iëm making this up, but I havenët been kissed in four months ÇƒÓ my boyfriend goes right to the act. He claims my breath is bad, which apparently prevents him from doing anything resembling foreplay, like fondling and caressing. Most humiliatingly, he "forced" himself to kiss me one night by squirting cinnamon spray in his mouth before each kiss. In case he was right, I visited the dentist and told my doctor I had a problem and got a prescription acid blocker. Still nothing. I asked old boyfriends their honest opinion, and they all cheerfully volunteered to kiss me if he wonët. Yes, I know sex can be sooo much better, but Iëm tired of dating, and he does sweet things no other man has, like washing, waxing and gassing up my car, and taking amazing care of me when Iëm sick. Still, I donët want to go the rest of my life without being kissed.
ǃÓShowered With Disses
Some
women do take payoffs ÇƒÓ free rent, free breasts, Sub-Zero refrigerators
ÇƒÓ to stay in a less-than-ideal relationship. But, a wash, a wax and a
fill-up? Then again, gas prices being what they are, maybe youëre onto
something. Letës just hope you donët drive a Honda Civic, or even an
SUV pulling a houseboat, but something more along the lines of a
logging truck towing the USS Nimitz.
Yes, sex can be
"sooo much better" ÇƒÓ with a boyfriend whose idea of foreplay isnët
watching you gargle Lysol Basin Tub & Tile Cleaner.
Okay, so youëre
only trying to make things work with this guy because youëre tired of
dating. Tired of dating but bright-eyed and bushy-tailed for constant
romantic humiliation? Wow, thatës tired, as in who was your first
boyfriend, Ptolemy?
A guy who cares
about you makes you feel wanted, not wanted for a tongue swab by the
CDC. Not only did that realization escape you, you were too busy
getting makeout references from old boyfriends to ask how, exactly,
your alleged trench mouth connects to the fact that the only headlights
heëll polish are on your car.
Now, I get a lot
of advice requests from people who love people who smell. Most would
rather fake their own kidnapping than risk destroying the person they
love with the truth. This guy, on the other hand, doesnët have a qualm
in the world about whipping out the extra-extra-strength Binaca (now in
new cinnamon napalm!)
Sure, maybe
youëve had more than your share of dating horror stories (Ted Bundy
showing up for drinks with a tarp and a shovel?), but youëre settling
for a guy whoëd rather degrade you into snorting acid blockers than
admit to intimacy issues, weird sexual aversion(s), possible
closethood, and/or fear of saliva. Perhaps what really stinks here is
not your piehole but your judgment. It sounds like youëre committing
what evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins (with T.R. Carlisle) dubbed
"The Concorde Fallacy," after the supersonic airliner the Brits and
French continued building even when it became clear it would never earn
back its costs.
Apparently,
humans have a tendency to stick with a bad investment based on how much
theyëve already put in instead of assessing the likelihood of future
returns.
In other words,
maybe you have better things to do than hang around in hopes Hazmat Boy
will someday get into the kinky stuff; say, air kisses and the
occasional shoulder squeeze? And no, Iëm not talking about you lashing
yourself to your car hood and seeing if you can sneak a rubdown.
.
A place in the sun
After two years,
my boyfriend has yet to really include me in his life. He never takes
me to places he frequents and claims his friends and co-workers are
"too obnoxious" for me to meet. Then, the other day, I was dropping off
keys at his work, and he insisted on meeting me at the end of the
block! He swears he isnët embarrassed by me and isnët cheating. So why
does he treat me like a one-eyed hunchback?
ÇƒÓ Hidden Away
Guys test girls
to see what theyëll put up with; in this case, being recast as the
mother in the typical junior high pickup and drop-off scenario: "Mom,
just throw this bag over your head so we can drive onto the school
grounds." Itës understandable that he wouldnët want you to meet his
jerkazoid friends on the first date, or maybe even in the first six
months.
But, after two
years, a guy who doesnët want you to know at least a few of his buds
probably doesnët want you to know him, and probably for good reason.
For future reference, when a guy treats you like a one-eyed hunchback,
chances are itës because he says, "Here, hunchback . . . "and you limp
over as quickly as you can, and say, "Yes, Master ..." batting your
eyelashes on your one good eye.
ï
Got a problem?
Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, No. 280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or
e-mail AdviceAmy-at-aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com)
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