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Tuesday, 22 August 2006 17:51 |
| | Andy Borowitz |
In a move aimed at further tightening airport security, the Federal Aviation Administration announced today that it would ban all people from flights leaving or entering the United States, effective immediately.
The FAA, which has in the past banned such objects as toenail clippers and hair gel, took the extraordinary step of banning people after the Department of Homeland Security conducted a thorough investigation of previous terror plots.
"We
looked at terror plots of the past, and in each and every case, people
were involved," said Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff at a
Washington press briefing. "These new rules send the strong message
that the FAA has zero tolerance for people."
Mr. Chertoff
said that while banning liquids from flights was a constructive step,
the only true solution was to ban people altogether.
"Letës face it, hair gel doesnët kill people," he said. "People kill people."
The Homeland
Security Secretary acknowledged that the new rules would curtail
Americansë ability to travel, but added, "On the plus side, that will
make them easier for us to spy on."
The FAAës ban on
people onboard flights raised questions for the nationës airlines,
which must now ponder what, if anything, their airplanes will be
carrying.
But Davis
Logsdon, who studies the airline industry at the University of
Minnesota, said that the FAAës crackdown on people could be a "win-win"
for the airlines: "Maybe if the airlines donët have people to worry
about, they can finally concentrate on getting our luggage to the right
destination."
Elsewhere,
al-Qaeda disavowed responsibility for a terror plot to make Americansë
laptops burst into flames, blaming it instead on Dell.
ï
Award-winning
humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author
of the new book "The Borowitz Report: The Big Book of Shockers."
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