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Wednesday, 16 August 2006 04:10 |
| | Andy Borowitz |
The world of sports was rocked today by the news that a professional athlete had tested negative for steroids in a random drug test administered by his team.
Brant Clarkdale, a utility infielder for the Kansas City Royals who has never hit a home run at the major league level, set off a firestorm of controversy with his negative test results.
"Frankly, I have never heard of such a thing," said Sen. Joseph Biden, D-Del. "We need to have a full investigation to determine if this is an isolated incident, or whether steroid non-usage is rampant in Major League Baseball."
At
a hastily called press conference in Kansas City, Mr. Clarkdale
attempted to explain how it came to pass that he had not taken steroids
as part of his training regimen.
"I was working
with a personal trainer who was using two different creams, one clear
and one white, which I thought were steroids," Mr. Clarkdale said. "I
was wrong ÇƒÓ they were just creams."
"Iëm so ashamed," he said.
At Kaufman
Stadium, home to the Kansas City Royals, fans registered emotions
ranging from shock to disbelief at the news that one of their teamës
players had failed to take steroids.
"At these ticket
prices, you bet your ass I expect the players to come to the ballpark
juiced," said Randy Simmis, 34. "Doesnët he know weëre in last place?"
Elsewhere, a
study shows that teenagers who listen to music with raunchy, sexual
lyrics are more likely to have sex than those who do not, while
teenagers who watch "CSI" are more likely to solve crimes.
ï
Award-winning
humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author
of the new book "The Borowitz Report: The Big Book of Shockers."
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