The Advice Goddess Amy Alkon

Youíre looking for Action! Adventure! Romance! To ride the rapids of love ó with all the drama and suspense of a nice warm soak in the bathtub; or, in action/adventure terms, something more ìDie Hard With A Plush Stuffed Bunnyî than ìWith A Vengeance.î

ìBut . . . but . . . ì you say, between sobs, from under your bed, where youíre hiding out with a plate of lo mein, ìLove ... doesnít ... last!î No, it often doesnít. In fact, a relationship is one of the more high-risk ventures you could enter into, precisely because itís based on love, which is a feeling. You can promise to stick around, but you canít promise to keep feeling a certain way. So, relationships end. Lovers use each other up. They go become monks. Or run with the wolves. Or with the baby-sitter.

The way you see it, other guys all have black Labs with bandannas while youíve been assigned your very own black thundercloud to follow you around. Okay, so your wife left you, and your girlfriend left you, and your other girlfriend left you, and maybe your other girlfriend left you for your other girlfriend, and so on. Surely there were a few good moments, or even a few good years, between ìNice to meet you,î and ìIíll be by at 5 to pick up the rest of my stuff.î

A good long snivel can be satisfying, but as a preventive measure, self-pity has nothing on self-awareness. So, youíre always the one who gets dumped. Maybe thatís because youíre not one to admit itís over and do the drop-kicking yourself. Look for patterns. Do you pick gold diggers, schemers, women out of your league? No, itís not your fault that a woman didnít have her sexuality worked out. What you should look at, however, were signs you missed that a woman was ìnot that into youî (or, say, anyone with a penis).

You say you have a lot of love to give. Would it be terrible if you ended up giving it to a number of different women? And, what do you really have to mope about anyway? You had an 11-year marriage and numerous girlfriends. There are guys out there who havenít been kissed in a decade, and women so desperate to be touched that they plot to have strangers back into them in stores in hopes of getting one of those little ìpardon meî after-grabs. Instead of being terrified a relationship will end, why not accept that it could, and resolve to enjoy it while it lasts? Sure, you could get hurt again. Thatís the price of having love in your life. If you decide you canít afford it, fine. Just understand what youíre setting yourself up for ó one day trying to look back on all the fun youíve had and realizing youíve mostly had chow fun.

Queasy rider
I had a wonderful boyfriend for a year, but now itís over. The thought of other men touching me gives me a sick, skin-crawling feeling. I tell men I meet I want to be friends first, but on the third date, they usually want more. So, how does one get over a relationship?
ó Waiting

Itís Friday night, and you could either go on a date or put a bologna sandwich on your head and go sit on a giant anthill. Of course, the ants are unlikely to spring for dinner and a nice bottle of Bordeaux. Granted, you do say you ìwant to be friends first;î you just donít mention that you mean for three years. (Thatís some meal plan you got there.) Best of all, you get to dwell on your relationship by comparing your ex to all these new guys. Thatís the antithesis of getting over it, which takes spending enough time alone to debrief yourself and move on. Thereís no set time frame for healing, but you have no business dating until you have more to offer than ìBuy me dinner, watch me itch!î although it might be a clever ploy if youíve got your eye on The Orkin Man.
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Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, No. 280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or e-mail This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it (www.advicegoddess.com).