Stray it forward

A: There are many people who cross ethical lines at work, but most of them just do it by taking home Post-its or a stapler.

Okay, sure, have a FWB thing, but with a married co-worker? What happened -- too overworked to swipe right on Tinder? 

And as for why your co-worker started outsourcing her sex life, there’s an assumption that people cheat because they’re in crappy marriages or relationships. 

And maybe her marriage is unhappy. 

But infidelity researcher Shirley Glass found that even people in happy, loving marriages can end up cheating. 

They do this for a variety of reasons: more sex, better sex, different sex (men especially go for variety), or sometimes just because “she isn’t bad-looking and there’s an empty office with a big couch two doors down.”

 As for whether this woman would cheat on you, that depends on whether she’s the sort of person who cheats. And no, that isn’t as idiotic as it sounds. Evolutionary psychologists David Buss and Todd Shackelford found that there are personality traits common to people susceptible to cheating. One of the strongest predictors is “narcissism” — a personality trait marked by self-importance, self-absorption, a profound sense of entitlement, and a lack of empathy. 

 Another big predictor is “low conscientiousness,” reflected in unreliability, disorganization, laziness, and a lack of self-control. And finally, there’s the unfortunately Norman Batesy-sounding “high psychoticism” —researcher-ese for a mix of aggressiveness, impulsivity, and an inability to delay gratification. Sound like anybody you’ve met in the janitor’s closet recently?

 Even if this woman checks out personalitywise, you’ll have a much clearer picture of what’s possible after she gets divorced. That is, if she gets divorced — if this thing with you doesn’t turn out to be “affair-apy” (a little sexual tide-me-over until she can patch things up with her husband). 

 Regardless, you should take the time — a year or more — to parse who she really is and whether she and her husband are simply two (irreconcilably) different people or whether he just watches a wee bit too much ESPN when he comes home. 

 If you’re lucky, you’ll find these things out from her, and not in some awkward moment at the end of the workday when you finally get a chance to, uh, chat with her husband — through the windshield as you’re clinging to the hood of his moving car.

Splendor in the crash 

My boyfriend recently got laid off and lost a bunch of money in stocks. Yesterday, feeling blue, he said, “Can’t anything good happen for me?” (Gee, thanks. Guess I’m nothing good.) I know he’s talking about financial and career stuff, but we have something pretty special together. Why is he focusing on the bad stuff and not appreciating the good? Money isn’t everything.

— Undervalued

A guy likes to have a way to buy his woman dinner that doesn’t involve a ski mask and a sawed-off shotgun.

No, money isn’t everything, but that can be difficult to remember while panicking that you’ll soon be raiding the market share of the wino on the corner begging for change. Also, because women evolved to go for men with status (a cue for the ability to provide) and men co-evolved to recognize this, it can be especially hard on a man when his career trajectory goes from riches to rags. 

However, emotions are — at root —  behavior management tools, and the feel-bad that comes with a loss in status pushes a man to go out and get a new job and make new investments. Without that motivation, that couch in Grandma’s basement can start looking like an extremely attractive place to be from 9 to 5. And 5 to 9: “Yo, Gram, can you throw down another bag of Doritos?” 

What you can do is be fierce in telling your boyfriend why you believe in him and about all the things you respect and admire in him (especially those that employers will also respect and admire). This is the sort of “appreciating the good” that he needs -- especially if he gets to the point where he’s driving a brand-new Tesla but only until he gets a $2 tip for bringing it back to the guy who owns it.

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 (c.) 2016, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA  90405, or e-mail This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it (advicegoddess.com).