Richard Roeper

Oh, my God, this movie sucks. Iíll say this much: Kudos to Jim Carrey for pulling off perhaps the most amazing disappearing-act hat trick in motion-picture history. With his non-appearance in ìEvan Almighty,î the follow-up to the smash hit ìBruce Almightyî (2003), Carrey has now NOT appeared in three of the worst sequels of all time: ìDumb and Dumberer,î ìSon of the Maskî and ìEvan Almighty.î
Talk about dodging bullets.

To be fair, this is the least awful of that horrific trio ó but thatís kind of like surviving a car wreck and saying your fractured toe isnít as painful as your shattered spine or your missing nose. ìEvan Almightyî is a paper-thin alleged comedy with a laugh drought of biblical proportions, and a condescendingly simplistic spiritual message. It is so bad, I came close to throwing my caffeinated beverage at the screen.

Before vivisecting the meat of the story, letís examine just one small visual joke. As you probably know, the talented and likable everyman Steve Carell of ìThe 40-Year-Old Virgin,î who had a small but hilarious supporting role as insincere anchorman Evan Baxter in ìBruce Almighty,î takes center stage here. After Evan has an initial encounter with God, played by Morgan Freeman in the very definition of a check-cashing role, he passes a movie marquee.

Now itís a time-honored tradition for directors to have a little in-joke fun with film buffs via movie marquees. Itís a sly way of winking at the audience.

In ìEvan Almighty,î the marquee advertises a movie called ìThe 40-Year-Old Virgin Mary.î But we donít just truck past that marquee; we zoom in and linger on it. There might as well be a subtitle blaring, ìGet it? Weíre referencing Steve Carellís hit movie and weíre making a biblical pun!î ìRoad Runnerî cartoons are more subtle.

That annoyance is indicative of a larger problem, i.e., thereís no movie here ó just a concept that holds little promise and canít even deliver on those low expectations. In ìBruce Almighty,î Evan seemed like the kind of jerk who would have been played by Chevy Chase 20 years ago. The opening sequence of ìEvan Almightyî holds true to that characterization. Having somehow survived his Bruce-induced on-air meltdown, Evan is still on the air in Buffalo. After his co-anchor (the beautiful Catherine Bell in a two-minute cameo) introduces a montage of scenes that serve to inform us Evan has won election to Congress, Evan then turns to camera, with a glycerin tear on his face, and says, ìI feel just like that old Indian standing in front of all that garbage.î

Itís a dated but admittedly funny line, referencing the famous anti-littering commercial from our childhood. We think: OK, Evanís a pompous, cynical ass, and now heís a congressman. Wait until God gets hold of him!

But then that Evan Baxter disappears and is replaced by an apparently decent and idealistic family man with a loving wife (Lauren Graham) and three sons who worship him. Granted, Evan is all too willing to co-sponsor an environmentally unfriendly bill championed by a fat-cat congressman (played by John Goodman) ó but heís not a bad guy, nor does he seem to be in any kind of serious crisis. Heís just the 1,234th variation on the ambitious husband/father who disappoints his wife and children because he has to work late so theyíll have to cancel that much-anticipated hiking trip. (Memo to Hollywood executives: When a kid is about 14, heís not all that keen to spend every waking moment with his dad anyway.)

Out of the blue, God/Morgan appears and tells Evan to build an ark. He supplies Evan with the materials, the tools and even the land on which to construct the gigantic boat. The movie could have been called ìGod Is My Co-Signer.î

At first Evan doesnít believe heís really talking to God, nor is he eager to build the ark. That reluctance fades after a few days, what with Evan growing a long beard that cannot be shaved, not to mention the flowing robes he canít seem to shed, and the animals of all species that keep showing up in pairs and following him around. This scenario creates a major problem for the movie.

Evanís wife thinks heís crazy ó so why doesnít he just pull her into the bathroom and show her that every time he shaves his beard, it magically reappears? His staffers think heís losing it ó so why doesnít he just point out that one does not grow three yearsí worth of hair in a week, and that giraffes and rhinos and tigers are not indigenous to the greater Washington, D.C., area?

The media and the neighbors laugh at Evan ó even though heís building an ark the size of a football stadium with only the help of his three young boys and exotic animals who are capable of carrying supplies and performing other construction tasks. You canít have everyone thinking your main character is crazy if everyone sees that he is experiencing a series of miracles!! It kinda kills the comedy.

When an image of the Virgin Mary appears on tree bark, people weep and pray and burn candles. You get a Noah look-alike building a working ark while animals pair up all around him: He wonít get mocked ó heíll be nominated for instant sainthood. It makes no sense that virtually everyone in the movie is laughing at Evan. Nearly every time ìEvan Almightyî paints itself into a corner, the solution is to have a dog chomp Evanís crotch or a bird drop doo-doo on a bad guy. (There are a LOT of scenes of animals crapping or spitting in this film.) Or they go extra cutesy with animal-reaction shots or fortune-cookie wisdom.

Eventually we learn why God commanded Evan to build the ark. Itís a really stupid explanation. We also get an extended special-effects sequence, with the ark careening through Washington. Itís a really dumb, albeit expensive-looking, meshing of stuntwork and CGI. Thereís also an ongoing bit about Evan doing ìthe dance,î an unfunny little move that would be hokey in a subpar sitcom.
Finally, mercifully, the end credits roll, with behind-the-scenes shots of the cast and crew grooving to ìGonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)î by the C+C Music Factory. They all look like theyíre having a great time.

Thatís because they havenít seen this movie.

(Richard Roeper, columnist for The Chicago Sun-Times and co-host of ìEbert & Roeper,î is filling in for Roger Ebert as he recovers from surgery.)