Janese Johnson

When I was growing up, I had very few boundaries as a child. In essence, I could do pretty much whatever I wanted to do. So unfortunately, because of the lack of guidance, I made some pretty poor choices in my life. It took a lot of untangling and hard work for me to undo some of the tangles that I was ensnarled in. I had to learn a lot of things the hard way because life and its decisions can be too vast for a young unguided mind to comprehend. I have come to believe that children need healthy boundaries and guidelines to make healthy decisions within, in order to feel empowered and confident with their real self.

When I became a foster parent, and then a therapeutic foster parent, I had to have quite a few hours of parenting training in order to help the very challenging children that we would get in our home. One child we got in our home was a 15-year-old boy who was kept in the bathroom every day for years; he ate and played in there until bedtime. His parents seriously neglected him and treated him like a dog. Even though the parenting training stated quite clearly to create clear boundaries for each child on day one, we felt so sorry for this boy, we decided to give him the freedom that he had not had. We figured that since he was emotionally really like a 9-year-old, he would not give us too much trouble. We learned quite quickly that we made a huge mistake. He was out of control in no time, and it was a painful process to rein him in, but fortunately we were able to do that.

Many kids who have grown up in authoritarian households later grow up to resent the rules and limitations that were placed on their life. So in rebellion against those restrictive rules, many raise their own children with a lot of leniency and attention. One of the hopes that parents have, when they give their children a lot of what their children want, is that their children will build a greater self esteem and self worth through personal discovery.

Unfortunately, leading psychologists are finding that this is having an opposite affect. Dr. Peter B. Neubauer stated, “Many parents are now well aware how much their presence or absence, their words, their actions, indeed their whole emotional state affect their children. This is an important gain.

Unfortunately, it must be added that Freud's theories ... have often been taken to mean that discipline should be suspended, controls eliminated — in sum, that the child should be continuously gratified. Freud, on the contrary, pointed out that denial and conflict were as essential a part of the process of growth as gratification, and he never minimized the child's need for direction.”

This intense focus that we have had on our children has unfortunately supported an entitlement mentality. Kids feel that the world owes them because their parents have given them so much already.

But it’s through the challenges and struggles we experience in life that we develop a greater sense of self and self worth — that is, if the challenges are not from an abusive or neglectful situation. As parents, however, we find itdifficult to watch our children struggle and suffer in hardships. We want to ease or eliminate their struggle by giving them the easier road. This undermines their building of their inner self worth.

Many leading child psychologists and many parents are now coming to the understanding that children need the balance of love, attention, boundaries and struggles in order to develop in the healthiest way possible. Too much attention enables entitlement and low self-confidence, while too little attention induces a lack of motivation in the child, which also affects the self worth of the child.
This is in no way suggesting that the “do it my way” mentality is the way to go. There are healthier ways to give children clear boundaries that do not make them feel bad or unloved. Dr. Charles Fay is the president of the Institute of Love and Logic. Its goal is to help parents raise healthy and responsible children; its Web site is www.loveandlogic.com.
No matter whether you are a parent or not, it is very likely that someone close to you is, and it is important for us to look at the future and well being of our children because, as Whitney Houston says, “I believe the children are our future; teach them well, and let them lead the way.” Healthy children grow up to be the leaders of our future.
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Janese Johnson has been doing intuitive counseling nationally for more than 20 years. She may be contacted at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .