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The Advice Goddess
Amy Alkon |
This co-worker guy, who I hardly know, has been stalking me at work. I don’t want to cause trouble for him, but ... he’s creepy. He’s been asking co-workers about me and finding me on my breaks. Today, as I was leaving for lunch, he said, “I haven’t stopped thinking about you.” The hairs on my neck stood up. The shower music from “Psycho” came into my head!! I (like an idiot) said, “Shoot me an e-mail.” (I don’t have the guts to tell him, “Screw off, you ugly, creepy, uh, expletive.”) Of course, he e-mails me — inviting me to lunch or dinner, saying he wants to get to know me better. Since I love your “tact,” I’d love to respond using your words. Something that says: 1. You’re creepy. 2. You obviously live with your mother. 3. Never in your lifetime.
— The Hunted
Alfred Hitchcock might’ve retired to some sleepy town in England after
a career as an elementary-school filmstrip operator — save for his wise
decisions while directing “Psycho.” Imagine Hitch weighing the dramatic
possibilities: “Let’s see, shall we have a shadowy figure slipping into
a motel bathroom, opening the shower curtain and raising a big knife to
stab a terrified naked woman — or should some lad drop in at the
woman’s office to tell her ‘I haven’t stopped thinking about you’ as a
lead-up to asking when she might be free for lunch?”
Come on, a guy at work gives you reason to believe he has a crush on
you and the shower music from “Psycho” comes into your head? When you
see sheep nibbling on grass in a pasture, do you hear the theme from
“Jaws”? Your complaint that this guy is “stalking” you reminds me of
the old joke: It’s only sexual harassment when the guy asking you out
is ugly, broke, and works in the mailroom. Actual stalking is a willful
and malicious form of intimidation — persistent unwanted pursuit after
the pursuer has been informed that his or her attentions are unwanted.
Stalkingvictims.com reports that most U.S. states define stalking as
behavior that would instill fear in a reasonable person. Sorry, but
what are you afraid of, getting cooties by association? The stench of
loserhood lingering in your hair?
You take the post-modern approach to saying no, ditching “No means no”
for “’Shoot me an e-mail’ means no.” Unfortunately, most people,
including Dorky Boy, are probably working off the old definition. To
make matters worse, if a guy really likes you, when one door fails to
close, another 10 doors open. So, while you’re waiting for him to read
your mind about what a “creepy, uh, expletive” you think he is, he’s
probably laying out his dinner clothes, researching fine wine, and
wondering whether you should name the children after his late grandma
or yours.
It didn’t have to get to this point. All you had to do was be kind
enough to say something the first time he expressed interest — nothing
cutting about his looks or living arrangements — just “Thanks for
asking, but I’m not interested.” You might also try squeezing out a
little respect for guys who get up the nerve to go after what they want
— especially as a girl who doesn’t have the guts to speak up about what
she doesn’t.
If you “No, thanks!” a guy a few times, and he fails to back off, sure,
call for reinforcements. Until then, do your best to avoid crying wolf
while being pursued down the halls of your office by a quivering,
three-legged Chihuahua.
Friends with deficits
I’m always relegated to friendship by women. I met this beautiful girl
who was seeing someone. We became great friends, and then she met
another guy, dumped her boyfriend for him, and I’m still just her
friend. I’m realizing I only fall for girls if we’re friends first;
otherwise, I don’t get attached.
— Platonic Particle
You can either be the guy who gets the girl or the guy who gets to
drive the girl to the party where she’ll meet the guy she goes home
with. Getting out of the latter category is a snap — much like getting
out of a 30-foot glass box greased with Crisco.
You know that quote, “Tell me who your friends are, and I’ll tell you
who you are”? If your friends are women who are always stepping around
you to get to their next boyfriend, you’re probably a guy who’s more
into avoiding rejection than having a girlfriend.
Dating is a sampling process: finding a woman you might like, and
saying “You’re attractive ... feel like a mochatini?” You start
figuring out how you feel about her as she’s drinking it — as opposed
to waiting until you become her BFF with testicles. (Don’t worry, you
won’t be needing them.)
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Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, No. 280, Santa Monica,
Calif. 90405, or e-mail
This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it
(www.advicegoddess.com).
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