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The Advice Goddess
Amy Alkon |
My boyfriend of nine months leaves a mess in my home, and it infuriates me. Although he’s otherwise a great guy, just a glass not taken to the kitchen makes me boil with rage.
He doesn’t only leave glasses around, but dishes and trash, napkinsP and soda cans. Jackets and sweatshirts are dropped wherever. He lies on the bed without taking his shoes off...arrrrgh! And he spits toothpaste into the sink without rinsing it out, and never does dishes when we cook or put carryout on plates. I don’t understand my anger because I sometimes leave a glass out, too. I do know I shouldn’t approach him about this while I’m this upset.
-- Pigpen’s Girlfriend
Where does your boyfriend think dirty dishes go to die? Do they jump
out an open window and smash themselves on the pavement? Leap into a
sinkful of soapy water and drown themselves? Or, do they hire a hit man
to do the job? Maybe an aging housewife who breaks into your place in
the dead of night, slowly and methodically pulls on rubber gloves, then
holds the Pplates under water until the deed is done.
Your boyfriend could be pondering this question nightly, but it seems
he’s too busy flopping on the bed, swinging his big shoes onto your
duvet, and snoring. Meanwhile, you’re storming around the house
collecting cans, snarling, “What does he think, that I answered an ad
for a fully furnished dumpster with cable TV? Or was he worried I’d get
lost making my way back from the living room to the kitchen? How sweet
of him to leave a trail of dirty napkins to mark my path!”
Next, he’ll complain there’s no mint on the pillow — or, worse yet,
he’ll slip and call you Mom. Who, exactly, does he think picks up all
this stuff he drops? Actually, he probably hasn’t the slightest idea.
In fact, while, for you, one empty Chicken McNuggets box on the couch
turns your apartment into a Superfund site, your boyfriend might have
to sit on the thing to realize it’s there. As I’ve written before,
research shows that, in general, straight men don’t have the filth- and
clutter-vision women and gay men do. Men generally have better distance
vision, and can maintain intense focus on small-scale projects, but
they’re prone to overlook environmental detail — increasing the chance
that they’ll let the chips (and the empty potato chip bags) fall where
they may.
Okay, so the glass is not only half-empty, it’s been on your foyer
table for three whole days. How could your boyfriend not know how upset
this makes you? Well, there is the fact that, instead of sweetly
telling him what works for you, it seems you’ve spent the better part
of a year festering with hate. Your inability to ask, “Mind doing the
dishes tonight?” or tease him about the difference between a bedspread
and a sidewalk, suggests there’s more to this than liking things tidy.
Are you anxious or insecure, and manifesting it in a Gestapo-like need
to control your environment? Are you skittish about commitment and
seeking an out, like the idea that he doesn’t respect you? If you want
to be with him, tell him what you need. If he cares about you, he’ll
make an effort.
He might sometimes screw up, but he’ll probably put a good spin on it:
Dinner with you was so romantic and wonderful, he wanted to leave you a
little something to remember it by — something day-old and encrusted on
a plate. Come on, look closely at that petrified moo shu. Can’t you see
a heart?
Tents situation
This great woman I’ve started seeing has a stressful career, and
“doesn’t really have time for a partner now” — although she enjoys our
time together (weekend trips, backpacking, etc.). I just want all that
to continue. I’m good at giving her space, but she still says she has
difficulty making any decisions about us because of her work pressure.
Should I give her a time limit?
-- Camped Out
Give her a time limit? What are you, Cinderella? You’ll lose your glass
hiking boot and your Honda Civic will turn into a pumpkin if she
doesn’t force a decision about you? She doesn’t have a lot of time, but
you claim not to need a lot of time.
If that’s actually the case, where’s the decision to be made, beyond
whether to spend this weekend chasing each other around the campfire or
the California King? Of course, it’s possible you’ll get attached, and
she’ll have to break it off.
If you can’t bear moping around missing somebody, you’d better bow out
now. It might also be a good idea to wean yourself off friends, as you
never know when one of the buggers will get picked off by a truck.
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Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, No. 280, Santa Monica,
Calif. 90405, or e-mail
This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it
(www.advicegoddess.com).
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