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The Advice Goddess
Amy Alkon |
My wife of a year is from a very conservative culture (a Muslim country). She said she’d only dated three guys, and only kissed and held hands. I told her it’s nice she was a virgin, but honesty was more important. She kept saying I was the first man to touch her, sleep naked with her, awaken her sensuality, and on and on. Later, she let it slip that she’d slept naked with her exes, but said she’d never lie to me again. Eventually, she let it slip that she’d pretty much done everything but intercourse with two of these guys, but it was a detail she’d forgotten. She doesn’t understand how it hurts the male ego to repeatedly say, “You’re the only guy I’ve been with,” then, “Sorry, I forgot, you’re the third.” Had this happened with a guy in her culture, it would have resulted in immediate divorce, and maybe something much worse. So, do I divorce her, or let this go? I’m concerned she may be hiding other things.
-- Betrayed
In our country, if people find out you’ve had premarital sex, they
might hoot and slap you on the back once or twice. In Muslim countries,
they bring in a guy with a bamboo cane to do it 100 times.
In Saudi Arabia, it’s not just premarital sex that’ll get you in
trouble, but premarital seating. Religious police there actually
arrested an American businesswoman for sitting with a male colleague in
Starbucks after her office lost power and she needed WiFi. The Times of
London reported that the woman was interrogated, strip-searched, and
jailed for violating laws against public contact between unrelated men
and women. The judge reportedly told her, “You are sinful and you are
going to burn in hell.” You have to wonder, if she gets hell for
sitting near a man in Starbucks, what happens to the giddy 15-year-olds
I saw groping each other in the big chair? Is there Hell Plus? Advanced
Hell? Or maybe “New Hell! Now With Extra Charcoal!”?
Ask a Western woman if she’s “dated” a lot, and she isn’t likely to
confess, “Why, I’m the Whore of Babylon!” Yet, you married a woman from
a culture where slut can equal death, and you thought all you had to do
to get her to spill everything was tell her honesty works best for you?
As for telling you that you were blazing uncharted territory, and were
quite the lover to boot, even Western women with sterling integrity
have been known to exclaim, “Wow, that thing’s enormous!” Meanwhile,
they’re thinking, “... compared to the stub of a No. 2 pencil.”
Poor Booboo, you weren’t her first. Or her second. And there is that
possibility you weren’t even her third. Get over it. All this moping is
distracting you from the essential question: Did she lie about her
sexploits out of some ingrained policy for self-preservation, or are
you likely to wake up alone one morning and find that your bank
account’s cleaned out, your car is gone, and she’s even taken the dog?
The fact that her character is kind of a mystery to you suggests you
pledged to spend the rest of your life with a near stranger. Smooth
move, dude! At least get to know the woman before you divorce her: Is
she ethical? Even when nobody’s looking? Does it mean something to her
to do the right thing? Does she act in your best interest or does she
just act interested out of self-interest? I know, boring questions, but
they’ll ultimately be more instructive than interrogating her about
whether she let Achmed get to third base in the summer of 2003.
Nip it in the buddy
This great guy at work seems on the verge of asking me out. I’d like to
be friends with him, and even invite him to my dinner party. He’d
actually get along great with my boyfriend. So, how do you tell a guy
you have a boyfriend without seeming presumptuous or rude?
-- Worried Girl
A guy you aren’t interested in shouldn’t get to the point where he’s on the verge of asking you out.
This guy’s probably spent months flirting and plotting, and you’re
probably getting more and more uncomfortable — which means you’re more
likely to respond to “You going to the staff meeting?” by blurting out
“I have a boyfriend!”
That’s when you’re likely to hear back, “Yeah? And I’ve got a spastic
colon.” This really isn’t difficult. Just casually tuck the boyfriend
into conversation, like, “My boyfriend and I went ...” or “So does my
boyfriend.”
And do it right from the start, whenever you aren’t interested or
available. Unless, of course, the guy mentions that his last two
“girlfriends” were named Kenneth and Stephen, both of whom he met at a
cute little joint called something like Chaps, Ramrod, or The Manhole.
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Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, No. 280, Santa Monica,
Calif. 90405, or e-mail
This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it
(www.advicegoddess.com).
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