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Tuesday, 04 July 2006 13:42 |
| The Advice Goddess
Amy Alkon |
My husband and I have ?®date night?∆ every Saturday after we get our kids to bed. He??s told me numerous times that it would really turn him on if I??d dress trashy. Over the years, he??s bought me many provocative outfits I??ve never worn (leather miniskirts, leather pants, a tartan schoolgirl skirt, chain belts, stiletto-heeled boots, ?®Daisy Dukes,?∆ midriff-baring tops, etc.). When I try to explain that flabby thighs in miniskirts and a tiny cropped top plus a tummy bulge are not sexy, he just tells me I??m hot. Why can??t he see that I??m not as svelte as I used to be?
?? Reality Check
He??s
thinking ?®Woo-hoo!?∆ You??re thinking ?®Mooo, mooo!?∆ Even if you are a bit
of a heifer, is it really in your best interest to correct him?
Like a lot of
married people, when you pledged ?®??til death do us part,?∆ you probably
didn??t give much thought to how, exactly, you??d make that happen. It
starts out promisingly. On the first date, everybody dresses like they
want somebody to want to have sex with them. And it often works. Then
they land the person, and they dress like they want somebody to want
them to fix their toilet. And it often works.
It doesn??t help
that women waste weeks, months, or years of their lives staring into
the mirror and bemoaning their ugly elbows or freakishly-enlarged
pores. If your husband is even aware that you have pores, I??ll give you
$5. While there are ?®leg men,?∆ ?®butt men,?∆ and ?®boob men,?∆ most men
don??t disassemble the women they care about into their individual
figure flaws. Most men don??t want stick figures, either. In studies by
psychologist Paul Rozin and others, men consistently preferred women
with a bit of meat on them ?? just not so much that they need to be
hoisted out of bed by three orderlies with a Hoyer lift.
If you want your
husband to be there through thick and thin (or thick and thicker, as
the case may be), you??d better work on seeing yourself through his
eyes. Chances are, when he??s begging you to put on that Catholic
schoolgirl uniform, what??s on his mind isn??t how little time you??ve
spent in Pilates. What should be on your mind is slipping into a sexy
little French thing called ?®bien dans sa peau?∆ ?? being comfortable in
your skin, much like all the hot black and Latina secretaries I used to
see when I lived in downtown New York City. A lot of them were fat, but
they wore bright, tight, sexy clothes, and strutted around like they
were fat and proud.
Of course, with
all the bulges and folds you purportedly have in your skin, getting
truly comfortable in it might take some doing. Fake it until you make
it. Pick some hussy from the movies and play her on date night...and
beyond. No, you don??t have to dress like you??ll be the featured
stripper at the PTA meeting, but would it kill you to throw on a
low-cut top, a skirt, and cute shoes before the hubster comes home? The
guy??s been patient with sexual vanilla for quite some time, probably
because he loves you. He does have his faults. Like, maybe he??s blind.
Maybe he??s dangerously nearsighted. And maybe you should count and
recount your lucky stars. Whatever you??ve got, he happens to want.
Can??t you run with that? I mean, as fast as you can go while being
chased around the bed in a Catholic schoolgirl uniform and thigh-high
stiletto boots.
The weigh to the door
I??m a health and
fitness freak, and find disregard toward the body to be
incomprehensible, bordering on unforgivable. Recently, I fell for a
wonderful guy who rapidly gained 10 pounds ?? when he already stood to
lose a good 15. Despite my efforts to be kind and encouraging, he takes
no steps to diet or exercise. How do I get him to understand that he
needs to do something, lest I fall into the arms of the next triathlete
who asks me to dance?
?? Gut Feelings
Here you are, a
girl for whom ?®disregard for the body?∆ is practically cause for
bringing a guy up on charges at The Hague. Yet, you fell for a guy
whose idea of doing crunches is probably power-eating Doritos. What
happened, you tripped over his empty KFC buckets while rushing out to
the gym? Get up, dust off the remains of Extra Crispy, and get real: As
wonderful as this guy might be, you can??t reprogram your lust for
washboard abs into a lust for abs by Kenmore. You can, however, help
him drop some weight ?? approximately 122 hard-bodied pounds of a
girlfriend who??s trying to ?®get him to understand,?∆ when she??d be
happiest getting a cattle prod and locking him in the basement with a
treadmill.
?ÿ
Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier
Ave, No. 280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or e-mail AdviceAmy-at-aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com)
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