The Advice Goddess Amy Alkon

There will be plenty of time after youíre married to drain her bank account and move to the Bahamas.

Life isnít fair, Bucky. Deal with it. Or, if youíd rather, bow out of the dating game, and spend your nights on menís movement blogs posting rambling screeds about the ìfeminazisî and this new set of filet mignon mercenaries. Sure, men and women are now equal under the law, but that hasnít made them the same biologically. Because women are the ones who get knocked up and stuck with mouths to feed, they evolved to seek ìprovidersíî ó guys who show signs theyíll stick around to fork over gifts and grub after the fun is done. Modern women are still getting this directive from their genes ó even staunch feminists, chicks with six-figure incomes, and women who think of themselves as ìBarren!î In short, there are about 1.8 million years of evolutionary hard-wiring standing between you and any clever notions that youíll wax your legs and Nair your mustache if sheíll just pick up the tab.

We arenít the only species that goes on dinner dates. Anthropologist Helen Fisher calls gifts of food one of the ìuniversal features of wooingî ó and guess whoís almost always responsible for the check? Fisher writes in ìAnatomy of Loveî that the boy black-tipped hang fly plies his crush with aphids, daddy longlegs, or houseflies. (Hard to say which wine goes best.) ìThe male common tern often brings a little fish to his beloved. The male roadrunner presents a little lizard.î And then, of course, thereís the ultimate courtship gift, the male praying mantis letting the female praying mantis eat his head during sex.

You donít have to go that far, but you could maybe buy a girl a glass or two of wine without making out like youíve fallen victim to one of the greater injustices of our time: ìI have a dream ... that one day men and women will go halfsies on dinner ...î

Actually, a glass or two of something-or-other, not dinner, is all you should be buying on the first date. You donít shell out big for a near-stranger. The point is getting to know a girl, not getting to know whether she prefers Kobe beef to lobster. And yes, the person who does the asking out ó usually the man, poor dear ó should do the paying. On at least the first and probably the second date. Beyond then, if a womanís wallet seems welded shut, have a little talk and suss out whether she worries youíll think ill of her for paying (some men do), or whether sheís just a leech with lipgloss.

Look, either youíre setting the stage for seduction or youíre spearheading the investigation of the global conspiracy to make men pay for dinner. You have a decision to make: Accept that dating costs money, and consider it an investment toward finding love, or follow through on your threat to ìgive up.î Whoís that gonna spite? All the women who are denied your company? Donít worry about them. Theyíll be out with guys who not only buy dinner, but sometimes even precede it by bringing flowers. And no, the little card tucked in there isnít an invoice.

Haul of me
Iím a woman living in a remote area where most of the men have about six teeth. This great guy just moved here, and weíre going for coffee. The thing is, Iím a truck driver. Most men canít seem to handle this, but I really donít want to lie. How do I break it to a guy without chasing him off?
ó Semi-Worried

Sooner or later, heís going to see your big rig parked out front. What are you gonna say, ìOh, my Prius is in the shop, so they gave me this ó and asked me to haul 10,000 chickens to Pacoimaî? Youíre a girl who drives a really big truck. Some guys will be hot for that, but a guy who canít handle your truck driving on the first date isnít likely to handle discovering youíre a truck driver and a liar on the second or third. Forget that your townís men have a mouthful of teeth between them. Your job on dates is simply to be you ó thus weeding out any guy who isnít man enough to be with a woman who not only wears mascara but delivers it by the ton to Wal-Mart.
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Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, No. 280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or e-mail This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it (www.advicegoddess.com).