The Advice Goddess Amy Alkon

So, in a perfect world, the first time you had sex, your wife wouldíve announced, ìAs man-tools go, yours is one of those little eyeglass screwdrivers.î Instead, she pronounced you ìperfectî ó a cruel lie. Worse yet, she claims sheís satisfied with you, and says your size doesnít matter. Actually, it seems pretty clear it does, except it isnít your small penis thatís the problem, but the fact that youíre acting like a really big pinhead.

Your wife tries to be sweet, reassuring you, ìBigger is nice, but I like being with you,î and you treat her like sheís erected an altar in her head to The Big One, The Really Big One, and Defies The Laws Of Physics. How dare she compare you to any other man?! Uh ... are you for real? Sorry, to bust up your fairytale idea of human nature, but people assess what works for them, in part, by comparison: Bigger, smaller, better, good enough, hasnít behaved this idiotically in years.

Hey, Doofus! With all those Big Biffys out there, she married you. So, if youíre not exactly big, apparently youíre big enough. And, a little something else to consider: While most of the sex problems I get are from couples in flannel pajamas and separate beds at the 3.5-year mark, you and your wife are still doing it at year 35. Or, rather, were. Good move, sailor!

Adding to the ridiculousness, Mr. Dinkyís little strike started with a commercial for something that doesnít even work. Well, thatís not entirely fair. ìMale enhancementî pills do increase size ó of the bank accounts, number of resort homes, and fleets of yachts of the people selling them. But, as urologist Dr. Irwin Goldstein told Nutrition Action Healthletter, ìThereís no pill, prescription or otherwise, that will make a penis longer.î The good news comes from Dr. Eugene Fine, another urologist I interviewed a while back: ìMost of the anatomy in a woman thatís responsive to sexual pleasure is right at the front door. Just get in there and ring the bell.î

Probably the most effective ìmale enhancementî is confidence: thinking of yourself as a MINI Cooper among men ó small, but surprisingly powerful, and great on the curves. And then, of course, thereís not acting like a vengeful, passive-aggressive weenie when your wifeís doing her best to let you know youíre loved and wanted. Now, be a big man in the way that counts, and apologize. Be grateful that she knows you donít measure how much of a man a guy is by sticking a ruler down his tighty-whities, and see if you canít distract her from what a nitwit youíve been with a little game of ìHide the salamóî uh, sorry ... Slim Jim.

The tot police
I was angered by your response to ìNot the Mama,î supporting this horrible girl who was put off by dating a single father. She should consider herself lucky she found an involved dad. If she isnít woman enough for him, send him and his daughter my way. I actually have the capacity to love, understand, appreciate, and accept.
ó Single Mother Of Three Amazing Children

Stalin. Hitler. Pol Pot. Twenty-five-year-old girls who want dates, not play dates. As ìhorribleî people go, perhaps, in her case, itís a bit much to start lighting candles and reciting, ìFirst they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out because I was not a Jew ... ì What I find horrible is your contention that an ìinvolved dadî is some kind of rare animal, like the white rhino. Frankly, this girl wouldnít even be horrible if she admitted to finding kids merely loud, sticky, and expensive. But, she doesnít hate children; at this point in her dating life, she just favors the unborn kind. Recognizing that is a good thing. As for your capacity to love, understand, appreciate, and accept, feel free to extend it to a girl whose idea of childproofing her house happens to be stocking up on contraception.
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Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, No. 280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or e-mail This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it (www.advicegoddess.com).