John North Editor & Publisher

An open letter to the new publisher of the Asheville Citizen-Times:

Mr. Randy Hammer
Publisher, Asheville Citizen-Times
14 O. Henry St.
Asheville, N.C. 28801

Dear Mr. Hammer:
Congratulations on your recent promotion to publisher of our local daily newspaper, the Asheville Citizen-Times. Uh, what happened to the last guy?

The AC-T recently quoted you as saying that ìthe first thing I plan to do is talk to a lot of people and get to know the community ó get to know what people care about and what theyíre concerned about.î

To save you time (so you donít even need to leave your executive suites), I thought I would go ahead and fill you in on this peculiar community and what it really seems to care about. After all, knowing Gannett Co. (the AC-Tís parent company), you probably wonít even have time to learn the drink menu at the Grove Park Inn before you are again promoted to another paper elsewhere ó or fired.

As a publisher for a corporate conglomerate, the main thing you need to know is that the people of the Asheville area are only interested in reading about themselves ó and their pampered pets.

Therefore, Mr. Hammer (may I call you Randy, since Hammer makes me feel like the next nail?), the AC-T should continue your predecessorsí agenda of eliminating even the last sliver of international and national news.

You can offset this cutback by expanding the ìYour Newsî section to encompass the entire AC-T. Since you are new at the paper, Iíll remind you that ìYour Newsî is composed of reader contributions of stories and photographs about themselves, their dogs and other loved ones. This approach will save lots of money on costly reporters, who can be thown out on their keisters into the mean streets. For tips on how to do this, ask Jeff Fobes, publisher of the Mountain Xpress, another local powerhouse publication (if power is measured by advertisements choking out news).

If you read your own paper, youíll know that, despite the activist image of Asheville, hardly anyone here even bothers to vote these days. Perhaps this is because even when so-called progressives are elected, nobody can tell the difference in their subsequent voting record.

In fact, since Asheville residents seem to have very strong opinions, as mirrored by the letters on your editorial page ó but donít vote ó then perhaps City Council could save time and energy by skipping lengthy deliberations and making its decisions based on the AC-Tís relentless online opinion polls.

Another reason for you not to leave your office is that itís pointless. With Gannettís rigid obsession with marketing statistics, there doesnít seem to be any space for individual judgment or leadership anyway.

And despite the image of Asheville as populated by ultra-vocal activists and artists, they make up only an almost-insignificant portion of the regionís populace. The truth about Buncombe and the surrounding counties is that most residents are decidedly conservative.Thus, you will want to continue the AC-Tís traditionally right-of-center stance ó which most of your readership views as ultra-liberal.

As for your already-slim Sunday literary section, ditch it. Nowadays, since hardly anyone around here reads books any more, you should go ahead and expand your TV section to include Internet broadcasts.

Sure, in the old days, literary luminaries like Thomas Wolfe, O. Henry and F. Scott Fitzgerald used to hang around your paperís newsroom ó but now, the only Thomas Wolfe anyone around here knows is the guy who buys ugly houses.

I read where you are a native Floridian, so unlike most of the halfbacks that move into million-dollar condos here, maybe youíll sympathize with locals who are horrified by seeing their city overrun by older men clad in polyester outfits accented by white belts and white shoes, driving gas-guzzling SUVs at maddeningly slow speeds.

Since you work for Gannett, Americaís largest newspaper publisher, we are certain that your highest aspiration would be to leave our funky little town behind in order to be named publisher of USA Today, your companyís flagship paper.

And thatís how you can do it ó by making the AC-T even fluffier, more colorful and less newsy than USA Today.

With tongue firmly planted in cheek,
JOHN NORTH

Publisher & Editor, the Daily Planet
224 Broadway St., Asheville, N.C. 28801