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The Advice Goddess
Amy Alkon |
I met a guy a little over seven weeks ago. Days later, we were hanging out constantly, sharing life stories, and sleeping together. I began to ìfallî but didnít say anything about love because he didnít. Finally, on a trip, we had a talk about how we felt. I explained that I wouldnít have slept with him more than once if I didnít see a future for us. He said he couldnít BEGIN to think of ìloveî for many months and isnít very verbally demonstrative anyway. He basically wants to see where this goes, and thinks Iím kinda nuts for ìmoving so fast.î Yet, every boyfriend Iíve had said he loved me within a couple weeks of sleeping together. I feel sleazy for sleeping with a man five days a week and never saying more than ìHave a nice dayî afterward. Am I headed for disaster?
ó Put Off
Thereís falling in love and thereís trying to have yourself shot out of a cannon into it.
Too bad human emotion doesnít run on a bus schedule: ìLetís see ... two
weeks, you love me, seven weeks, you let me measure you for your cage.î
Out here in the confines of the real world, loving somebody takes
actually knowing them, otherwise, what are you actually loving? Hmmm
... perhaps how well they fit into your plan to retire from dating and
settle down with that special anybody?
The way you put it ó ìI wouldnít have slept with him more than once if
I didnít see a future for usî ó that thing down there must only look
like a vagina; itís really a crystal ball. Seven weeks in, you know
him, really, really well ó just not well enough to have even an inkling
of his approach to relationships: waiting until he develops some depth
of feeling for a woman before committing to more than dinner plans for
week eight. In other words, the guy seems to be looking for something
real, as opposed to something real fast. Jeez, what a jerk!†
Midway through a seven-week sex marathon, itís a little late to inform
a guy of the house rule: Only the first bagging is free. If sex that
may turn out to be, well, casual, rather than formal, leaves you
feeling gypped, you should end dates with a long, steamy handshake.
Since youíre a bit beyond that now, the thing that should be giving you
pause is not whatís probably a sincere ìHave a nice day,î but how you
bought into all those week two ìI love youísî from boyfriends past.
After all, if saying ìI love youî means two people have a future
together, how come you and all those other guys seem to be having a
future apart?
This guy doesnít sound like heís cold, withholding, or scampering off
to the bar to ìHave a nice dayî with your replacement. Why push him in
that direction? Itís understandable that you feel a need for
ìsecurity,î but you canít contract out for it; it has to come from
within. Also, lobbying to hear those ìthree little wordsî may cause you
to miss those other three little words, ìAre you cold?î Or, those
fourteen little words, ìHow about I come over this weekend and sand and
refinish your hardwood floors?î (You say tomato, he shows you a tomahto
... and whoís to say the talkier way is right?) Itís okay to be looking
for love, but for best results, remember to actually look, and not like
you would for a suitcase nuke thatís about to take out Cleveland.
Talk to the handcuff
My girlfriend of eight months gets mad when I make plans with friends
and tell her afterward. Even if I invite her along. Sheíll say, ìHow do
you know we didnít have plans? Or, that I wasnít going to take you to
dinner?!î Most of her friends are married heterosexuals, so I guess
sheís used to couples planning everything together.
ó Very Independent Woman
ìHow do you know we didnít have plans? Or, that I wasnít going to take
you to dinner?!î This hurts my head. When somebody wants to take you
out, there are ways to let you know. Some ways ó e-mail, phone call,
text message ó are more effective than others: mental telepathy and
screaming, ìI hate you, I hate you!î as youíre going out the door to
meet friends. Your girlfriend probably got together with you, in part,
because she admired your ìVery Independentî spirit. Now, it seems sheís
confusing ìVery Independentî with ìVery Independent From Her.î Gently
inform her that nobody gets dibs on every moment of your life, but from
now on, youíre setting aside a regular date night that always belongs
to her. The bottom line: You care about her, and love spending time
with her; you just donít want to feel like youíre serving it.
ï
Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, No. 280, Santa Monica, CA
90405, or e-mail
This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it
(www.advicegoddess.com).
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