The Advice Goddess Amy Alkon

Youíre only looking at women, not chasing them down telling them youíll meet them behind the bowling alley . . . just as soon as you can park your stroller-bound son with somebody you trust; say, that guy lying in the doorway with the sign, ìWill baby-sit for gin.î

Okay, so, if youíre with your wife, and your head swivels around like that girlís in ìThe Exorcist,î you have, letís say, a few manners issues. Think about how youíd feel if your wife were always walking down the street with a cartoon dotted line from her eyes to every passing guyís package: ìWoohoo! Thereís a bigíun!î But, as for the idea that you need ìprofessional helpî because your eyes are drawn to beautiful women ó thatís kind of like running off to a shrink all worried that you keep wanting to eat lunch.

The truth is, after millions of years of evolution, the impulse to ogle comes factory standard in men.

At the recent Human Behavior & Evolution Society conference in Williamsburg, Virginia, I cornered Dr. David Buss, and asked him about your question. Buss told me that when men ogle women the reward centers of their brain light up. ìSo, itís just inherently pleasurable for men to lookî (kind of like taking a bong hit of hottie). Your wife, on the other hand, wouldnít get the same buzz from eyeballing hot men, because, Buss explained, there arenít corresponding reward centers that light up in women. And, he said, contrary to your wifeís fears, your inclination to eye-grope doesnít mean you donít love her. Bussí book ìThe Evolution of Desire,î which details how standards for female beauty are actually cues to womenís reproductive fitness, may help both you and your wife understand your look-a-rrhea for what it is ó an evolutionary knee-jerk reaction.

Now, itís one thing for your wife to expect you to be faithful to her, but visually faithful? What are you supposed to do, say, ìOh, no! Scarlett Johanssonís coming down the street, better hideî? Your real problem is your wifeís real problem: Sheís irrational and insecure. That isnít something you can change, but you can tell her you love her very much, and think sheís hot, and show her, too. If your eyes regularly bug out for her, maybe sheíll be less bugged if she occasionally catches them wandering down some other girlís cleavage. And stop being such a wimp. Tell her, ìLook, we have a kid, and weíre going to have a marriage, and not one that revolves around you looking to see if Iím looking.î And, remember, all men look. The smart, kind ones look without getting caught. Some do this with practice, some wear wraparounds, and some develop an affinity for tiny portions of Jell-O with a side of chickpeas ó whatever it takes to keep going back to the salad bar for another helping of bazooms.

Terms of endorsement
When Iím single and available, I can barely get a woman to return eye contact. Yet, last weekend, I was with my girlfriend at a bar, and a married woman (sitting with her husband) remarked on how attractive she found me. Why is it that Iím always most appealing to women when Iím with another woman whoís into me?
ó Dumbfounded

Rich people, who can afford to fly first class, get free rides on private jets. Poor people go full-fare on Greyhound ó next to the broken bathroom and a gassy 450-pound man who keeps losing track of his pet tarantula: ìStellaaah! Stellaaah!î Yes, life is a little bit backwards. When youíre desperate for a girlfriend, women look at you like you have that incurable form of TB. The moment you get one, itís like youíve been stamped ìpre-approved.î But, itís not just the girlfriend with you, itís how self-possessed you are when youíre with her. So, the key, when you donít have a girlfriend, is carrying yourself like you do: exuding the quiet confidence of a guy unaware that his two front teeth are probably about to become hood ornaments on the boot of some married ladyís jealous husband.
ï
Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, No. 280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or e-mail This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it † (www.advicegoddess.com).