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Wednesday, 16 August 2006 04:49 |
| Jeremy Morrison
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Why is it that soccer canët seem to get a foothold in the United States?
The kids seem to love it, spending Saturdays SUVing their way towards slide-tackles and orange slices. But a person has, as Donald Rumsfeld might say, a dickens of a time finding a game of futbol outside the youth arena. They do exist, on late-night ESPN and Spanish-language television, but donët try to discuss them with anyone the next day; the mere mention of soccer in a sporting conversation is tolerated with a roll of the eyes.
On a recent drive through Florida, I tuned into some AM talk radio for cheap laughs. An impassioned voice crackled a rant through my speakers. He railed against soccer, expressing militant opposition to the game.
A cry of "The British are coming! The British are coming!" could have carried no more urgency. In his view, the world community is attempting to shove a sissy, boring sport down our red-blooded gullet.
And maybe the guy on the radio was on to something.
How could
mainstream USA hope to wrap its head around such a game? We arenët much
for nuances. We like scoring, lots of it, preferably sprinkled
liberally with broken bones.
Take football.
Our football. The plays are quick, punctuated with large bodies
slamming into each other and long lulls in between, so that one might
grab more beer and nachos.
Soccer, on the
other hand, requires people to perch tediously on the edge of their
seats waiting ÇƒÓ perhaps the whole game ÇƒÓ for The Goal. Take a trip to
the john and you could miss everything.
And sure, hockey
is a low-scoring game. But hockey players are also given to beating one
another with sticks. Everyone likes to watch that.
Which brings me
to another point: Americans like their athletes tough. A player in the
NFL must lie on the 50-yard-line with a broken back until everyone is
absolutely positive a stretcher is required.
Meanwhile,
soccer fosters a culture of crybabies. And why not? Their whining often
results in favorable calls. Indeed, feigning an injury can be viewed as
a strategic move.
That is not to
say soccer players arenët tough, or rather, in shape. Ever try to run
up and down the field for 45 consecutive minutes? But still, they cry
about everything like itës the first time theyëve experienced pain. No
one likes to watch that.
Perhaps a few
simple rule adjustments could help boost interest for soccer in the
states. First, each goal generates seven points. This will jack the
score considerably. Second, yellow and red cards are no longer issued,
but, rather, awarded. A high-kick to an opponents skull? Bravo! You get
a red card. Maybe three red cards could result in a goal.
Most
importantly, no more flailing unprovoked onto the turf and grasping a
particular body part in mock anguish. If the injury is legit, a
stretcher will carry you away ÇƒÓ eventually. If not, play on.
While weëre at it, letës just go ahead and say players are allowed to use their hands. Feet are so limiting.
With these
tweaks to the game, itës possible the U.S. team may even be able to
make a showing at the 2010 Cup. But, then again, French star Zinedine
Zidane would also be able to head butt them up and down the field with
complete legitimacy.
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