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The Advice Goddess
Amy Alkon |
Seven years ago, my wife of 11 years left me and married my moneybags boss. Next, my girlfriend dumped me for my wealthy friend. Then, a different girlfriend left me to marry my best friend. Another girlfriend realized she was a lesbian; another couldnít say ìI love youî back. Although I was a struggling grad student when my wife and girlfriend ditched me for rich guys, I now have a prestigious job and a large income. (The woman who dumped me for my wealthy friend mysteriously came groveling back when I got money.) Iím a sensitive guy with a lot of love to give, but Iíve been hurt so badly, I feel safest home alone with Chinese take-out. How can I overcome my fears before I die of loneliness?
ó Most Likely To Be Left
Youíre looking for Action! Adventure! Romance! To ride the rapids of
love ó with all the drama and suspense of a nice warm soak in the
bathtub; or, in action/adventure terms, something more ìDie Hard With A
Plush Stuffed Bunnyî than ìWith A Vengeance.î
ìBut . . . but . . . ì you say, between sobs, from under your bed,
where youíre hiding out with a plate of lo mein, ìLove ... doesnít ...
last!î No, it often doesnít. In fact, a relationship is one of the more
high-risk ventures you could enter into, precisely because itís based
on love, which is a feeling. You can promise to stick around, but you
canít promise to keep feeling a certain way. So, relationships end.
Lovers use each other up. They go become monks. Or run with the wolves.
Or with the baby-sitter.
The way you see it, other guys all have black Labs with bandannas while
youíve been assigned your very own black thundercloud to follow you
around. Okay, so your wife left you, and your girlfriend left you, and
your other girlfriend left you, and maybe your other girlfriend left
you for your other girlfriend, and so on. Surely there were a few good
moments, or even a few good years, between ìNice to meet you,î and
ìIíll be by at 5 to pick up the rest of my stuff.î
A good long snivel can be satisfying, but as a preventive measure,
self-pity has nothing on self-awareness. So, youíre always the one who
gets dumped. Maybe thatís because youíre not one to admit itís over and
do the drop-kicking yourself. Look for patterns. Do you pick gold
diggers, schemers, women out of your league? No, itís not your fault
that a woman didnít have her sexuality worked out. What you should look
at, however, were signs you missed that a woman was ìnot that into youî
(or, say, anyone with a penis).
You say you have a lot of love to give. Would it be terrible if you
ended up giving it to a number of different women? And, what do you
really have to mope about anyway? You had an 11-year marriage and
numerous girlfriends. There are guys out there who havenít been kissed
in a decade, and women so desperate to be touched that they plot to
have strangers back into them in stores in hopes of getting one of
those little ìpardon meî after-grabs. Instead of being terrified a
relationship will end, why not accept that it could, and resolve to
enjoy it while it lasts? Sure, you could get hurt again. Thatís the
price of having love in your life. If you decide you canít afford it,
fine. Just understand what youíre setting yourself up for ó one day
trying to look back on all the fun youíve had and realizing youíve
mostly had chow fun.
Queasy rider
I had a wonderful boyfriend for a year, but now itís over. The thought
of other men touching me gives me a sick, skin-crawling feeling. I tell
men I meet I want to be friends first, but on the third date, they
usually want more. So, how does one get over a relationship?
ó Waiting
Itís Friday night, and you could either go on a date or put a bologna
sandwich on your head and go sit on a giant anthill. Of course, the
ants are unlikely to spring for dinner and a nice bottle of Bordeaux.
Granted, you do say you ìwant to be friends first;î you just donít
mention that you mean for three years. (Thatís some meal plan you got
there.) Best of all, you get to dwell on your relationship by comparing
your ex to all these new guys. Thatís the antithesis of getting over
it, which takes spending enough time alone to debrief yourself and move
on. Thereís no set time frame for healing, but you have no business
dating until you have more to offer than ìBuy me dinner, watch me
itch!î although it might be a clever ploy if youíve got your eye on The
Orkin Man.
ï
Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, No. 280, Santa Monica, CA
90405, or e-mail
This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it
(www.advicegoddess.com).
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