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The Advice Goddess
Amy Alkon |
My wife of six months is the love of my life, and everything I want in a woman. Weíve been together two years, and have a 6-month-old son. The problem is, and always has been, my looking at other women. I donít usually realize Iím doing it, but my wife catches me, and is now just waiting to catch me. Honestly, when I look at them, I donít have any sort of intentions, itís just something I do. Yet, my wife is now threatening divorce because she believes it means I donít love her. I realize Iím doing something horrible, and Iíve mostly quit, which takes a lot of conscious effort, and thatís whatís worrying me. Is something wrong with me? Should I get professional help?
ó Wandering Eyes
Youíre only looking at women, not chasing them down telling them youíll
meet them behind the bowling alley . . . just as soon as you can park
your stroller-bound son with somebody you trust; say, that guy lying in
the doorway with the sign, ìWill baby-sit for gin.î
Okay, so, if youíre with your wife, and your head swivels around like
that girlís in ìThe Exorcist,î you have, letís say, a few manners
issues. Think about how youíd feel if your wife were always walking
down the street with a cartoon dotted line from her eyes to every
passing guyís package: ìWoohoo! Thereís a bigíun!î But, as for the idea
that you need ìprofessional helpî because your eyes are drawn to
beautiful women ó thatís kind of like running off to a shrink all
worried that you keep wanting to eat lunch.
The truth is, after millions of years of evolution, the impulse to ogle
comes factory standard in men.
At the recent Human Behavior &
Evolution Society conference in Williamsburg, Virginia, I cornered Dr.
David Buss, and asked him about your question. Buss told me that when
men ogle women the reward centers of their brain light up. ìSo, itís
just inherently pleasurable for men to lookî (kind of like taking a
bong hit of hottie). Your wife, on the other hand, wouldnít get the
same buzz from eyeballing hot men, because, Buss explained, there
arenít corresponding reward centers that light up in women. And, he
said, contrary to your wifeís fears, your inclination to eye-grope
doesnít mean you donít love her. Bussí book ìThe Evolution of Desire,î
which details how standards for female beauty are actually cues to
womenís reproductive fitness, may help both you and your wife
understand your look-a-rrhea for what it is ó an evolutionary knee-jerk
reaction.
Now, itís one thing for your wife to expect you to be faithful to her,
but visually faithful? What are you supposed to do, say, ìOh, no!
Scarlett Johanssonís coming down the street, better hideî? Your real
problem is your wifeís real problem: Sheís irrational and insecure.
That isnít something you can change, but you can tell her you love her
very much, and think sheís hot, and show her, too. If your eyes
regularly bug out for her, maybe sheíll be less bugged if she
occasionally catches them wandering down some other girlís cleavage.
And stop being such a wimp. Tell her, ìLook, we have a kid, and weíre
going to have a marriage, and not one that revolves around you looking
to see if Iím looking.î And, remember, all men look. The smart, kind
ones look without getting caught. Some do this with practice, some wear
wraparounds, and some develop an affinity for tiny portions of Jell-O
with a side of chickpeas ó whatever it takes to keep going back to the
salad bar for another helping of bazooms.
Terms of endorsement
When Iím single and available, I can barely get a woman to return eye
contact. Yet, last weekend, I was with my girlfriend at a bar, and a
married woman (sitting with her husband) remarked on how attractive she
found me. Why is it that Iím always most appealing to women when Iím
with another woman whoís into me?
ó Dumbfounded
Rich people, who can afford to fly first class, get free rides on
private jets. Poor people go full-fare on Greyhound ó next to the
broken bathroom and a gassy 450-pound man who keeps losing track of his
pet tarantula: ìStellaaah! Stellaaah!î Yes, life is a little bit
backwards. When youíre desperate for a girlfriend, women look at you
like you have that incurable form of TB. The moment you get one, itís
like youíve been stamped ìpre-approved.î But, itís not just the
girlfriend with you, itís how self-possessed you are when youíre with
her. So, the key, when you donít have a girlfriend, is carrying
yourself like you do: exuding the quiet confidence of a guy unaware
that his two front teeth are probably about to become hood ornaments on
the boot of some married ladyís jealous husband.
ï
Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, No. 280, Santa Monica, CA
90405, or e-mail
This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it
† (www.advicegoddess.com).
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