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Tuesday, 20 February 2007 16:07 |
| The Advice Goddess
Amy Alkon |
Several years ago, I lost every penny I had, along with my health. I eventually recovered my health and career, and, in the process, grew up. Iím now in my mid-30s. Previously, I had two three-year relationships, but I only started dating again recently. The last woman I dated had eight drinks (yes, eight) on our first date ó and sounded like no stranger to the bottle. She confessed to a recent affair with a married man (Iím still trying to figure out why an affair was cool, but she was ìnervousî about dating again after her divorce). She also told me things about her friends and family that would make Caligula blush. Even so, the fact that Iíd never married made her leery of me ó and other women Iíve met have also found it a bone of contention. Iím a good guy, have good relationships with my friends and family, and Iím moving up at work. How come my matrimony-free life seems to be a stain on my character?
ó Single And Degenerate
Nothing
makes a guy persona non grata with the ladies like neglecting to marry
and divorce two or three of them and scatter kids all over the place
like birdseed. Or, as I like to call them, ìFuture carjackers of
America.î
What, exactly,
were you doing that you couldnít find your way to an acrimonious
divorce by 30? Oh yeah, crawling back from deathís door, rebuilding
your career from scratch, and getting your self together instead of
inflicting it, unformed, on some unsuspecting woman. And this is a
stain on your character? Consider the source: a woman who drinks the
bar dry on date one, whose affair points to a view of marriage vows as
mere suggestions, and who doesnít just hang with a bad seed or two, but
more of a bad crop.
Youíre a victim
of the dating version of racial profiling. Like the Navajo handing down
the oral tradition, generations of women have passed down the notion
that any man who hasnít wifed up by 40 must be an irredeemable bachelor
ó interminably selfish, set in his ways, terrified of commitment, a
major player, or just too busy with his boyfriend. In 1950, when pretty
much everybody married, and usually in their early 20s, this assumption
wasnít such a stretch. Back then, U.S. Census data put the ìmedian age
for first marriageî at 20 for women and 22 for men. By 2003, it had
risen to 25 for women and 27 for men, with more and more people
marrying for the first time in their 30s, 40s, or 50s ó if at all.
So, are you a
man who wonít commit, or a man who wonít commit to just anything? A
woman who tells you what you are instead of asking you about yourself
and getting to know you is telling you a whole lot about herself. This
isnít to say one snap judgment necessarily deserves another, but there
are certain women prone to such leaps: those holding a stopwatch to
their ovaries; the type whoíd say to a guy, ìIím nothing without you,î
and really mean it; and women who take an abstinence-only approach to
critical thinking.
Women who do
think understand that it isnít a huge accomplishment to get married;
just get drunk and impulsive in Vegas. Thatís your chance to learn
whatís worse than waking up clueless as to the name of the aging
stripper snoring into your chest hair. Not to worry, ìDarlingî is just
as good a save when the mystery lady also happens to be your wife.
ï
Got a problem?
Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, No. 280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or
e-mail AdviceAmy-at-aol.com www.advicegoddess.com).
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