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Tuesday, 13 February 2007 17:46 |
| The Advice Goddess
Amy Alkon |
My best friend of five years was the maid of honor at my wedding, and wants me to be hers, too. The problem is, whenever she isnít with her fiance, sheís with another man. They go on dates, have sex, and send each other sappy text messages. He paid to name a star (in the sky!) after her for Christmas, and got her a $300 spa package. She says she cannot imagine her life without her fiance, then says the same thing about Guy B. When I tell her I canít help her plan her wedding to Guy A while sheís telling me about being with this other man, she says Iím judging her, and abandoning her, and Iím just a ìfair-weather friend.î
-- Tormented
Like
the bride-to-be, Iíve recently made the disappointing discovery that a
number of people in my life seem to be ìfair-weather friends.î Just
last week, I was planning to rob the liquor store, and my so-called
friend Jackie, after all Iíve done for her, refused to drive the
getaway car. And the other night, I just didnít have what it takes to
drag the garbage bags of body parts into the backyard, then do all the
digging. Wouldnít you know it, I called Nancy, Hillary, and Cathy, and
surprise, surprise, everybodyís shovel was ìin the shop.î
Oh, sorry, was I
confusing ìfriendî with ìaccompliceî? Ideally, a friend is somebody you
love, respect, and admire, whose fundamental values resonate with
yours. Sound familiar? I didnít think so.
ìFriendî is one
of the more misused words -- a warm, fuzzy word carelessly dropped into
conversation to describe arrangements that arenít the least bit warm or
fuzzy. Much of the time, it should be accompanied by a qualifier; for
example, ìProximity Friend,î a ìfriendî whose main merit is being
conveniently located. Sure, you eat with this person every day -- not
because you find them particularly compelling, but because you find
theyíre usually ready to hit the cafeteria when your blood sugar is.
Next, thereís the ìNothing Good On TV Friendî: Youíre bored, you hate
bar-hopping alone, what the hell? And donít forget the ìHistorical
Friend.î You have so much in common. Okay, well, just those Hanson
concerts way back when, and that time in eighth grade when you two got
caught shoplifting Hello Kitty.
So, for your
ìfriend,î itís raining men. This doesnít mean you have any obligation
to stand around holding the umbrella. If she really cared about you,
she wouldnít be demanding you become the accessory to a major sliming
of a guy youíve probably gotten to know and like. Sure, youíre judging
her and abandoning her, and what took you so long? As my friend Cathy
Seipp says when people accuse her of making a ìvalue judgment,î ìIíve
got the values, so Iím making the judgment.î
You might put
your own values to work by encouraging this girl to do the right thing
and at least tell the fiance sheís ìconfused.î Of course, you should
formally resign as her maid of honor. Inaction on your part actually
speaks louder than whistle-blowing. If you tattle, sheíll most likely
deny it. But, when the maid of honor bows out of the wedding, the
groomís gonna wonder. In the meantime, re-evaluate all your friendships
and see whether they fit the bill. After all, if this girlís your ìbest
friend,î whoís your second-best friend? Iím guessing the lady who hits
your parked car and leaves a big dent and the note, ìIím just leaving
this note because people are watching.î
ï
Got a problem?
Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, No. 280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or
e-mail
This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it
www.advicegoddess.com).
Donít Goal There
Following a
breakup, I had a steamy one-night stand with a guy, but blew him off
afterward. Recently, I ran into him at a bar. We really connected, and
ended up back at his place. Weíve been spending almost every night
together ever since, Iíve met his friends and co-workers, he holds my
hand when I visit him at his office . . . itís feeling like a
relationship even though we initially agreed it was just sex. Although
Iím not sure what I want, my girlfriends have been pushing me to
protect myself by having the ìSo, where is this going?î talk. Would I
be wise to follow their advice?
-- Stressed
How many guys do
you know who give their girl-toy a tour of their office, and march up
to their supervisor and say, ìHey, Boss, meet my lilí somethin on the
side!î? Chances are, for this guy, it isnít just sex. But . . . maybe
thatís all youíll ultimately want. At the moment, youíre having some
really good times, vertical and horizontal, and you seem bound for more
of both. So, what, exactly, is the problem? Well, aside from your
failure to protect yourself by having the ìWhy donít you put a sock in
it?î talk with your commitment-crazed, busybody girlfriends.
ï
Got a problem?
Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, No. 280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or
e-mail
This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it
www.advicegoddess.com).
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