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Tuesday, 30 January 2007 14:19 |
| The Advice Goddess
Amy Alkon |
I recently got in touch with my high school sweetheart (a.k.a. the love of my life). He said I had uncanny timing since heëd just gotten divorced, and we met at a club and talked and laughed for hours. He e-mailed later saying I was really sexy, and heëd had a great time. I started e-mailing him about topics I find interesting, like overpopulation and Israeli-Palestinian conflicts. First, he was into it, but we had a heated debate about how to control overpopulation (which I feel very strongly about) and suddenly his e-mails dropped to two words at most. What happened? Did my passion for protecting the environment and humanity scare him off?
ÇƒÓ Opinionated
Do you want a boyfriend or a bar fight?
Youëd like to
believe this guy just wasnët man enough to handle the issues: "Did my
passion for protecting the environment and humanity scare him off?" Oh,
please. No, probably the fact that he just got divorced, and the idea
of bringing a combative woman into his life fills him with about the
same joy as the prospect of adult circumcision.
If your
in-person chat was anything like the e-mail exchange you forwarded me,
one or both of you must take your conversational cues from humorist
Fran Lebowitz ("The opposite of talking isnët listening. The opposite
of talking is waiting"). Of course, e-mail brings out the worst in
those with a tendency toward monologue over dialogue. At least in
instant messaging thereës an in-the-moment opportunity to correct
misunderstandings. But, only face to face do you have all the
information ÇƒÓ the ability to notice that something youëve said has
caused the other person to boil with rage, fall asleep, or go over and
sit on somebody elseës lap.
Whatës with all
the typing, anyway? You havenët seen the guy since high school, but
instead of snuggling up to him over a bottle of wine on a red velvet
banquette, youëre home alone pounding out position statements on
Mahmoud Abbas. Come on, is the point getting to know each other or
proving what a little miss smartypants you are? If you simply like to
hear yourself talk, why not save him the aggravation, and just leave
yourself long, rambling messages on your answering machine?
Now, letës say
you want to save the spotted owl, and heës sending out Evites to a
spotted owl chili cookoff. And maybe he traded in his Hummer for an
18-wheeler with the bumper sticker, "Proud Supporter Of OPEC," and
spends his free time pouring used oil down the drain. The big issue in
a relationship actually isnët the issues. I just read a comprehensive
study about this by University of Iowa psychologists Shanhong Luo and
Eva C. Klohnen that really surprised me. They found that people tend to
couple up with others who are similar in attitude, religion and values,
but itës overall personality similarity thatës the best predictor of
whether theyëll be happy together. Maybe thatës how Americaës strangest
bedfellows, Republican apologist Mary Matalin and Democratic apologist
James Carville, make it work. Or maybe they just have some really
stupendous sex: "You dirty, dirty liberal!" "Say that again, and youëll
see at least one WMD!"
In other words,
you donët have to open your head, extract all political thought, and
refill it with lime Jell-O. You (and whoever) do have to start with a
base of good feeling to bridge disagreements ÇƒÓ honeymoon first,
irreconcilable differences later. Luckily, it generally doesnët take
much to bond with a guy: Just undo a couple buttons on your blouse and
ask him about himself; no need to get right in there and club him over
the head with a baby seal.
Lust for lifeless
Iëm 20, and Iëve
been with my 29-year-old boyfriend for almost four months. Itës been a
month now since weëve had sex. When I ask whatës wrong, he just tells
me he doesnët have an appetite for it. Should I believe him? And if
heës sincere, what are ways we can be intimate without sex?
ÇƒÓ A Little Frustrated Here
Thereës such a
thing as "friends with benefits," but nobody talks about having a
boyfriend with benefits. Ideally, thatës redundant. Maybe the guyës
gay. Depressed. Cheating. On medication with sexual side effects. Or,
maybe heës trying to get you to do the dirty work and break up with
him. Forget about him for a moment, and think about you. Here you are,
20 years old, in the prime of your girlish hotitude, investigating ways
to be intimate without sex ÇƒÓ with a guy who canët even be intimate
about his lack of intimacy. This should lead you to the essential
question: Why are you still there? Sure, your relationship must have
its benefits. Well, benefit. Youëll never get a suspicious cold sore
from polite conversation.
ï
Got a problem?
Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, No. 280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or
e-mail AdviceAmy-at-aol.com www.advicegoddess.com).
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