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Tuesday, 09 January 2007 16:05 |
| The Advice Goddess
Amy Alkon |
My friend, "Claire," 21, has been dating an older guy, 29, since July. Last week she told me he was in jail. She wouldnët say why, but seemed determined to stand by him. Then, it came out on the news that he was engaged in some stomach-churning attempts to pick up 13-year-olds for sex in Internet chat rooms. I canët, in good conscience, get behind her loyalty to a disgusting man whom, by the way, she still wants to marry and have babies with. Iëm also afraid to express this to Claire because if she gets mad and refuses to have me as a support system, sheës more likely to stay with the creep.
ÇƒÓ Between A Rock And Somebody Elseës Hard Time
That
happy family fantasy of hers has a few snags; for example, dinner.
Letës see ... there they all are at the table, Mommy, the pervert, and
their two beautiful children, and then Mommy leaves the room to get
more mashed potatoes . . . turning Daddy into a parole violator. And
then, even if Daddy is, for some wildly insane reason, allowed around
his own children, itëll be a bit hard for him to drive them to school
if he isnët allowed within 1,000 feet of the place: "You girls look
both ways as youëre running across the highway!"
Perhaps not
surprisingly, my first inclination was to have you ask "Claire" who
stole her brain and replaced it with Fluffernutter. My second and wiser
inclination was to call Dr. Stanton Peele. Peele, an addiction
treatment specialist, is the guy I think best understands the
psychology behind self-destructive behavior and what it takes to pry
yourself or somebody else off a compulsion. He told me your hunch was
right ÇƒÓ the least productive thing you could do is slap your friend
upside the head with her pedophile boyfriend. He explained that people
donët change because you tell them they should, but because they
realize "what theyëre doing violates what they are most about, and what
they want most for themselves."
Chances are,
Claire wasnët looking to end up with Chester The Molester. When she
started dating this guy, she probably saw him as her ticket to white
picket fence-ville. In time, a few pesky facts got in the way. But,
never mind them! Like a lot of people, she simply pretended away the
disconnect between what she has and what she wants ÇƒÓ which, in turn,
left her standing by her man as if heës coming back from the war
instead of the kiddie diddler wing in some prison.
To get Claire to
face the contradictions, Peele recommends a non-judgmental,
non-confrontational technique called "Motivational Interviewing." (See
Peeleës book, "7 Tools to Beat Addiction.") Start by becoming a double
agent of sorts: Convince her youëre behind her no matter what so sheëll
be free with facts and feelings, which youëll tuck away for later use.
In Peeleës
words, "You need to be there as a support system and look for a
teachable moment."
Instead of telling Claire sheës got her head on
backwards, get her to answer questions that will make it obvious to
her; for example, "So, you say familyës important to you. What do you
think your family life will be like with this guy?" If you sense
resistance, back off. "The key," Peele writes, " . . . is to push the
ball back to the other person (generally by asking questions)."
Eventually, this should lead Claire to a question or two of her own,
such as, "Did I seriously consider having a family with a guy whoëd
celebrate becoming a father by handing out cigars announcing, ǃÚItës A
Girlfriend!ë?"
Feels like the first slime
My 37-year-old
girlfriend lies constantly and has cheated more than once in the six
months weëve been dating. I tried ending it several times, but we have
a great time together. Because she promises to stop lying, and is now
in therapy, I keep giving her more chances. I guess I see her for the
person I think she could become. I know this sounds pathetic, and I
should just leave her for good, but how?
ÇƒÓ Rose-Colored Glasses
Oh fab, the
serial liar promises to stop lying! A serial killer might promise to
stop killing. Do you think itës a good idea to invite him to dinner and
leave a lot of shiny new axes lying around? You might step back and
notice how taking the easy way out ÇƒÓ never getting up on your hind legs
and scramming ÇƒÓ is actually the long, hard, painful way out. Then
again, there is something to be said for having "a great time" with
her. I guess thatës one way of putting it. You could also see it as
keeping yourself from having a great time with somebody even better;
say, a woman who lies to you from time to time, and only cheats on you
occasionally.
ï
Got a problem?
Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, No. 280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or
e-mail AdviceAmy-at-aol.com www.advicegoddess.com).
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