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Tuesday, 19 December 2006 16:49 |
| The Advice Goddess
Amy Alkon |
My co-workerës not my type, but, I guess, is cute in a navy blue golf shirt kind of way. Heës nice and smart, so I often talk and joke with him. Lately, though, he seems to think I want to be more than just co-workers (eeuw). He goes out of his way to avoid me, and talks loudly about his girlfriend when Iëm in earshot ÇƒÓ his way of rejecting my "advances" (like saying "bless you" when he sneezes). This has happened twice before at other jobs and makes me feel awkward and dumb. Why are some guys like this while others get that Iëm just a very friendly person?
¨?ÇƒÓ Sending The Wrong Signals?
A
man can get "signals" from a woman across the room with her back to
him, confiding to her friend, "By age 8, I knew I was a lesbian";
which, of course, is her way of telling the man, "Just for you, big
guy, Iëm wearing the purple pasties with the propellers."
Studies by
psychologist Antonia Abbey, evolutionary psychologist Martie Haselton,
and others, show that men actually have a tendency to perceive friendly
overtures as overly-friendly overtures ÇƒÓ inferring sexual interest from
a woman where there is none.
The most likely
explanation is Haselton and David Bussë "Error Management Theory":
Humans are evolutionarily hard-wired to make errors in judgment on the
side of their least "costly" option. Women, for example, are prone to
underestimate menës commitment, since, back in the Pleistocene era when
human psychology was formed, being easily charmed into believing a cad
would stick around to dad probably meant starving their furry little
children to death.
Likewise, in the
great hairy singles bar that was the cave, it would have been less
costly for a schlub to make a fool of himself chasing a girl who wasnët
interested than to miss an opportunity to pass on his schlub genes.
Be aware that there is a certain kind of guy whoës more likely to get freaked by friendly.
Heës the guy who
goes decades without a girl giving him a second look; well, save for a
steel-piercing glare that says "Hello, rapist!" when he randomly pulls
into the parking space next to hers, and accidentally makes eye
contact. Heës the guy who always had a stuffed-up nose in junior high,
who might have a girlfriend now, but only because she clubbed him over
the head and dragged him on dates.
Or, at his
worst, heës the guy who wrote me about the co-worker who "broke (his)
little heart." For over a year, he had it all planned: "I figured sheëd
marry me and have my babies." And then, she got engaged ÇƒÓ for the
second time since heëd known her. Oops . . . it seems heëd never gotten
around to asking her out!
So, is your
problem merely being overly sunny to the overly pathetic? If you can
honestly say youëre just being friendly, not "Can you help me find the
file cabinet key I lost down my cleavage?" friendly, youëll have to
decide whatës more important, being true to yourself or never being
mistaken for the office nympho.
If itës the latter, wear dark glasses and a smock, keep your head down in the hall, and speak only when spoken to.
The alternative?
Deciding itës their problem if they get squirmy when you wear those Ann
Taylor separates that scream "Line up here for a lapdance," and say
sexually charged things like "Hey, how was your weekend?"
The good, the bad, the snuggly
Sunday morning,
I was in bed at my girlfriendës when "Robert," her obnoxious ex,
started knocking persistently on her front door. She excused herself, I
thought, to confront him, but instead just locked all the doors. She
said she wonët interact with him because he "makes her feel bad about
herself." My question: What should I have done, and if he returns, and
she still wonët deal with him, should I?
ÇƒÓ Just Lying There
I guess you
never saw the Clint Eastwood movie where he stays in bed guarding his
girlfriendës fuzzy slippers from gangs of dust bunnies while she
marches down to deal with the intruder.
Sorry, but this was a job for Dirty Harriet. The ex only becomes your problem if he returns with a gun.
Then, yes, you
should "draw" ÇƒÓ a telephone, and promptly dial 911. In the meantime,
worry about why he "makes her feel bad about herself." Does she just
feel dumb for getting involved with him?
Or, did she
already feel bad about herself, which is WHY she got involved with him?
If so, be glad you didnët go bust him one, as relationships with girls
with low self-esteem tend to be miserable and short-lived, and
somebodyës got to get the beer when itës you and "Robert" on the other
side of the door.
ï
Got a problem?
Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, No. 280, Santa Monica, Calif. 90405, or
e-mail AdviceAmy-at-aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com).
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