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Tuesday, 05 December 2006 17:15 |
| The Advice Goddess
Amy Alkon |
The doctor Iëm dating routinely multitasks at work, but I find it rude when she does it in our relationship. When weëre on the phone late at night, sheëll be doing three other things simultaneously. When I finally said something, she told me she purposely does this because sheës scared of loving somebody too much. This, however, doesnët stop her from calling to have me tell her how much I love her. But, how can I tell sheës even interested in me when sheës talking to me while e-mailing and watching a documentary? Iëm not ready to give up on her, as I believe we could have a loving relationship, but I need some love and attention, too.
ÇƒÓ Boyfriend Comes Last
I
can just see her at work: Some poor old guy is flatlining, and sheës on
her cellphone making a hair appointment while crawling around on her
hands and knees looking for the back of her earring. "Hang in there,
Mr. Jones, I just have to see if the colorist is in on Wednesday."
And there you
are, all "emotionally available," spilling your guts to her over the
phone: "I was a loser as a child, and my hamster was my only friend,
and then the fat little neighbor girl sat on him." All youëre looking
for is a bit of empathy on the other end of the line ÇƒÓ preferably
something a little more heartfelt and personal than "YOUëVE GOT MAIL!"
There was a
right time to say, "Hey, why donët you call me back when you arenët
busy?" and it was the first time you caught her typing, watching seals
getting it on, and playing "Greensleeves" on the harp with her toes.
But, because you
didnët put your foot down then, and are still only flirting with
putting it down now, the power balance in this relationship is probably
blown. Your first clue? How freely she tossed off her howler of an
excuse that sheës not rude, just "scared of loving somebody too much."
(Where does she get her lines, out of the recycling bin over at the
"Guiding Light"?)
What youëre
working hard to spin as human frailty is actually a more solid
substance ÇƒÓ the kind you get rid of by hiring a bunch of cowhands and
passing out shovels. But, but . . . maybe sheës sincere! Maybe she is ǃÓ
if her condition also prevents her from joining you at fine restaurants
unless she can knit, pay her bills, and invite the busboys to pull up a
chair so the conversation wonët get too personal. Funny, though, how
sheës never too busy to hear how much you love her. Lemme guess . . .
thatës the one time you have her undivided attention?
Just like good
things, bad things also come to those who wait. Go ahead, hang around,
if youëre up for more of the same, like all those meaningful little
glances over your shoulder at the TV. Yes, you can have a loving
relationship ÇƒÓ providing you find a woman whoës actually loving to have
it with.
Telltale signs
youëve found such a woman include interest in who you are and what
youëre doing, and concern for your feelings beyond making excuses in
order to keep on hurting them. Maybe youëll someday find another woman
who makes you feel the way this one does. (Ignored, unimportant,
uninteresting . . . used?)
If you do, look
back on all the fun you had sitting in the waiting room of this current
girlfriendës life. You should find yourself taking a pass on your next
opportunity to work your way up a womanës to-do list ÇƒÓ exciting as it
must be to go from fourth place to third when the Ty-D-Bowl commercial
comes on.
Slight of ham
Iëm a British
woman who spent several wonderful days with an American actor whose
theatre troupe performed in London. He said it was "love at first
sight," and wanted me to visit him in America. After he left, he called
and e-mailed sporadically, then disappeared. I feel lied to and
betrayed.
ÇƒÓ Sold Out
"Will our love
last?" is a question many people ask. Generally, though, most feel
pretty secure that their love will at least make it through the
weekend. Of course, thereës a big difference between "love" and "love
at first sight."
The latter would more correctly be called "raging hormones at first sight" or "Wow, this is new and exciting."
The guy probably
was genuinely jazzed at first glance. At second glance, continuing to
see you at all probably seemed rather impractical ÇƒÓ as did phoning you
to reel it back to "moderation at first sight."
Yes, you had a
short run, but the reviews sounded pretty good. Maybe your best bet is
appreciating it for what it was instead of sitting around crying that
it isnët "Cats."
ï
Got a problem?
Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, No. 280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or
e-mail AdviceAmy-at-aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com).
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