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Tuesday, 28 November 2006 14:04 |
| | Janese Johnson |
I wrote a column in the Sept. 25 edition of the Daily Planet on the affects that childhood neglect and abuse have on our brainës "wiring" and the lifetime affects that has on the person.
I received an e-mail from a reader suggesting that perhaps I follow up with a success story from someone who has experienced serious childhood trauma, and through conscious effort and hard work, has come to a place in their life where self-love and respect is strong and growing stronger by the day ÇƒÓ all due to great friends, courage and hard work.
And they are able to come to a place in their life of an empowerment that they would have never experienced otherwise. I asked the reader if he wouldnët mind sharing his story, and he agreed. This is Frankës story.
Frank
is a 49-year-old male who experienced a childhood that most people
could not imagine. His father was quite cruel, and his mother was
unable to help because she was also a victim of abuse. On a regular
basis, Frank was whipped and belted. He never knew what was expected of
him because he was often criticized and beat for not pleasing his
father, without reward for being good.
On 40 or so
occasions, Frank was so severely beaten that the beltings seemed
minimal compared to the most severe beatings. He was forced to have sex
with his father on a near-daily basis for 8 years.
Frank felt as
though he was not really worth anything. In order to boost his
self-esttem, he created a make-believe world to bear the pain. He had
very little love from others except for the occasional love his mother
could give when she wasnët fighting for her childrenës lives. Constant
fear was the status quo in his family, living under the tyranny of an
abusive father.
When Frank was
14 years old, his life began to change. His father forced him to get a
job to help pay the bills. It was with this job that Frank befriended
two coworkers who believed in him in ways that no one had before. It
was the first time that Frank had ever experienced unconditional love.
These two women helped Frank see how his destructive behavior was going
to ruin his own life if he did not change.
Frank was humble
and was able to really listen to their advice and acted upon it. He
started to make the changes inside and out that were necessary for a
better life. Over the years, many people came into his life as role
models exactly what Frank needed at that time, and Frank slowly and
surely came out of his self-loathing into a self love that he realizes
would have not happened if it had not been for the great gifts of
friendships that came into his life.
Frank believes
that for those who have been abused or neglected, 60 percent of their
brains resources are focused on maintaining their day. Because they
have been affected physiologically from the abuse, they are often in a
personal struggle that makes life more difficult with even the simplest
of things. In contrast, for those who has not experienced abuse, their
day-to-day maintenance is much easier to do and takes up only about 10
percent of their brains resources.
For Frank, the
goal is self-love. He found that the more he truly appreciates and
loves himself, the less critical he is, which helps him relate to
others. When a person is in self-loathing or personal criticism, it is
hard to reach out to others. Through Frankës personal journey, he has
found a spirituality that is important to him. This spirituality is not
from organized religion, yet it is very personal, real and deep. It has
helped him love himself more deeply.
One important
note that Frank noticed is that his "healthy" friends have made such a
difference in his life ÇƒÓ yet they do not even realize their profound
impact. He feels that it is important for those who have had healthy
childhoods to act as role models for those who have not. He believes
that if more "healthy" people really took on helping those who have
suffered ÇƒÓ the healing process would be expedited.
There are so
many ways to heal from childhood wounds. The important ingredient is
the willingness to do so. Frank is one of many who have decided to live
life beyond the scares of a traumatic childhood. He is now enjoying
life with fewer chains.
Unfortunately,
the chains remain for many due to the physiological affects, but love
can go a long way in the freeing of that bondage. If you have
experienced a childhood of neglect and/or abuse, know that you can pick
up the pieces and work on feeling empowered as an adult. We all deserve
a life of love.
ï
Janese Johnson
has been doing intuitive counseling nationally for more than 20 years.
She may be contacted at janesej-at-buncombe.main.nc.us.
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