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Tuesday, 31 October 2006 16:05 |
| The Advice Goddess
Amy Alkon |
My story starts out like your typical made-for-TV movie, with my husband cheating on me with a mutual acquaintance: I wailed, I calmed down, I died a little inside from feelings of worthlessness. After much reflection, I realized the cheating was a symptom of a problem in our relationship, not the problem itself. After sincere apologies from my husband, we began talking as husband and wife for the first time. But, my story takes a nasty turn: I canët stop going ape on him. Although the acquaintance fled to another city, when images of them pop into my brain, or if heës two seconds late, I become this spurting volcano of hate. I feel Iëm spoiling our recovery with these outbursts, but I donët want him to start feeling this wasnët that big of a deal.
ÇƒÓ Mt. St. Helens
Some
people do their best thinking while driving. Others wait for answers
under the shower or on the pot. Each to his or her own and all that,
but just wondering ÇƒÓ are you really at your analytical prime while
screaming at the top of your lungs, chasing your husband around the
dining room table, and trying to bludgeon him to death with a turkey
leg?
Greetings,
Spurting Volcano Of Hate! Perhaps youëve heard that venting anger will
make it go away. It wonët. Anger begets anger. It also makes you
stupid. Extreme emotional stress unleashes a chemical reaction called
the "fight or flight" response, shutting down all systems except those
youëd need to either club somebody or run like hell.
Sure, this was
an extremely helpful survival tool for our ancestors in the cave. And,
in some ways, itës still the perfect response ÇƒÓ for any woman married
to a troubled leopard or a tribe of cannibals.
Your husband did
pledge to be faithful to you. Oops, maybe he crossed his fingers! As
upsetting as that must be, be honest: Is it his infidelity alone that
turned you into the Dennyës of rage (no timeës the wrong time for a
Grand Slam!), or does it have more to do with the head-on collision of
reality and your expectations?
Wham, bam, like
a moose carcass through your rose-colored windshield, suddenly itës all
in your face: Heës human, heës fallible, he isnët the tower of ethics
you closed your eyes and hoped heëd be.
Stop erupting
and start thinking, and you might acknowledge a few equally
discomforting things about marriage; like, that it isnët a simple
solution to all lifeës problems, but a whole new set of problems ǃÓ
accessorized with a pornographically expensive set of china.
Sure, itës
easier to storm around picturing him naked with her ÇƒÓ which has to
leave him picturing you fully clothed with a Home Depot salesman,
pricing a nail gun and a couple of two-by-fours.
By raging
endlessly, youëre doing what he did, just without the sex ÇƒÓ avoiding
the real issue, which is figuring out how to be married.
But, first
things first. Figure out whether you want a marriage more than you want
revenge. If youëre up for a rebuild, stop screaming, start talking and
get reading ÇƒÓ "Surviving Infidelity" by Rona Subotnik and Gloria G.
Harris and "How to Control Your Anger Before It Controls You" by Albert
Ellis and Raymond Chip Tafrate.
When you sense
an explosion coming on, take deep breaths and think positive: Crazy as
it seems, his affair could be the thing that saves your marriage.
Yes, who knew?
Maybe what it takes for you to live happily ever after is not the
mythical perfect man but the real-life perfect floozy.
To make a longing story short
A co-workerës
been giving me flirtatious vibes. Weëre both in long-distance
relationships, and Iëm not interested in a local fling, so I always
bring up my boyfriend and avoid being one-on-one with him. After a
group of us went clubbing, he mentioned how bothered he was seeing me
dancing with other guys, and e-mailed me some bizarre, sleep-deprived
poetry. I want us to be friends, but not in this crazy cat-and-mouse
way. How do I clear the air without a gritty conversation?
ÇƒÓ Pursued
Modern life is
all about avoiding the gritty conversation. Hence, we say "Sheës
stepped out," not "I believe sheës in the ladiesë room passing some
gas." Most people go with the polite-speak; your co-workerës the kind
of guy who presses for MapQuest directions to your toilet stall.
This leaves you
to choose: Be direct or continue to feel like prey. You could give him
one last chance to back off. Ignore the e-mail and avoid availing him
opportunities to drool on your shoulder.
If he persists,
youëll probably have to drop a bomb to clear the air: "I love going
dancing without you. I hope to go dancing without you for many, many
years to come."
ï
Got a problem?
Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, No. 280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or
e-mail AdviceAmy-at-aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com)
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