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Tuesday, 24 October 2006 16:37 |
| The Advice Goddess
Amy Alkon |
Iëm a 29-year-old woman who approaches relationships like a guy; meaning, not with the mentality that a relationship is the be-all and end-all. What about being fine with yourself WITHOUT a man? (Oh, what a crazy thought!) For five months, Iëve been seeing a guy whoës loyal, funny, kind and in love with me ÇƒÓ basically, everything a woman would want. I care for him, but somethingës missing ÇƒÓ that really great connection part. If the relationship ended tomorrow, Iëd probably miss him, but I wouldnët really care. That sounds awful, I know. Maybe Iëm being unrealistic (people tell me that), but I donët want to settle. I know all relationships are work, and perhaps Iëm not working at mine as I should. Still, there ARE couples who seem so effortlessly in love and happy together. Am I just not long-term relationship material? Do I have some deep-seated fear of commitment? Or, could it be Iëm just too picky?
ÇƒÓ Odd Duck
Like
many people, you apply the Puritan work ethic to relationships: "All
relationships are work." Maybe so, but some relationships are McJobs.
Imagine putting an ad in the paper for your current low-benefit,
no-advancement situation: "More fun than snuggling up with ǃÚAccounting
Made Simple.ë" Or, maybe "Going nowhere with him beats going to the
hospital with E. coli." (Oh, to be young and in apathy!)
Unbridled
passion does have its downsides; for example, couples consumed by it
are always so busy ripping their clothes off and shoving china from the
dining room table that they never get to count the number of little
white bumps on the bedroom ceiling. Also, if you do have a spark,
thereës a good chance youëll eventually be sitting around with your
girlfriends complaining youëve lost it, and that Nirvana is starting to
look a lot like a run-down section of Bakersfield.
Even so, youëd
walk away from everything you have for a chance at a spark. Who do you
think you are, missy, that "good on paper" isnët good enough for you?
Well, for starters, youëre a girl whose sense of self isnët modeled
after a sinkhole. Oddly, youëre still influenced by the relationship
version of the "starving children in India" argument. In reality, you
can hoover up every green bean in the Western Hemisphere, and it will
not cause Happy Meals to rain down on Calcutta. Likewise, while there
are legions of love-starved women across North America, your being
grateful for what you have ÇƒÓ zero connection, but with the perfect man
ÇƒÓ wonët lead these women to unlist their numbers so as not to be
annoyed at all hours by random marriage proposals.
I once got
"fired" by a shrink after one session for an attitude like yours. I was
in my early 30s and having a hard time finding a boyfriend. The shrink
listened, then made her pronouncement: "You have high standards, you
accept the consequences, thatës very healthy, I really have nothing
else to say to you, donët come back." Okay, maybe you do fear
commitment, maybe youëre too picky ÇƒÓ or maybe you shouldnët expect to
find a guy whoës right for you while youëre tied up with a guy whoës
wrong. If you arenët unhappy holding out for more, why worry that you
arenët unhappy? Just go back to being without a man and being fine with
it, but keep looking. While youëre at it, keep in mind that the couples
who seem so effortlessly in love are those who held out for chemistry ǃÓ
having the physical, mental and emotional hots for each other ÇƒÓ as
opposed to what youëve had for the past five months: indifference with
aspirations. (But, hey, whatever sinks your boat!)
Shrugs and kisses
I was pursuing a
woman whoëd left me for another guy, and a woman I work with told me if
Iëd stop obsessing over the past, Iëd notice somebody who was in love
with me. She and I have now been together for two happy months, and I
love her very much. The problem is, my ex just broke off her
engagement, and my new girlfriendës feeling insecure. How do I convince
her my ex isnët a threat?
ÇƒÓ Middle Man
Sometimes "I
love her" means "I love her" and sometimes it means "I got the worst
stitch in my side chasing my ex." If you really do love your new
girlfriend, surely youëve got reasons ÇƒÓ beyond the fact that she was
single, available and in love with you. If so, do let her in on them.
In time, she should stop seeing herself as the human incarnation of a
bad game show prize ÇƒÓ like a boat trailer won by some struggling single
mother. They zoom in on her face, and sheës forcing a smile, but in her
eyes, all you can see are the "for sale" signs.
ï
Got a problem?
Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, No. 280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or
e-mail AdviceAmy-at-aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com)
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