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Tuesday, 19 September 2006 16:39 |
| The Advice Goddess
Amy Alkon |
My fianc?©e and I have been together for two years and living together since December, but around March, her libido took a nose dive. Otherwise, our relationship is ideal: Weëre mutually respectful, affectionate, supportive, understanding, generous, and our trust is rock solid. Iëm completely baffled about her sudden lack of desire for sex, and she canët explain it either. She fears itës a sign we arenët supposed to be together. I worry that she doesnët want me anymore and doesnët have the courage to say it.
ÇƒÓ Withholding Pattern
In
the movies, when two lovers fall into each otherës arms and suck face
like theyëre looking for lost tonsils, itës generally because the guyës
back from prison or the war, not because heës just come in from taking
out the garbage.
Youëve probably
heard warnings that living together before marriage makes for ho-hum
sex. Of course, so does living together after marriage, but then youëve
already got a foot in the trap. Most conveniently, the marriage lobby
never gets around to mentioning that the institution wasnët invented so
couples could have a really hot time in bed. Just a guess, but thatës
why there are marriage vows, but no such thing as casual sex vows to
keep people from cutting out early on no-strings-attached nude fun. And
whether a couple is married or just "committed," note that thereës a
huge market for self-help manuals like "Hot Monogamy," and none
whatsoever for books titled "Sex With Anonymous Hussies Neednët Be
Dull."
You arenët the
only couple crawling around under furniture to look for the womanës
lost libido. In a series of studies published in the Journal of Sex
& Marital Therapy, sexual medicine specialist Rosemary Basson noted
data showing that a third of women lack sexual interest. A THIRD? Hmmm
. . . could the problem be not in women, but in the expectation that
desire in women works exactly like desire in men?
Well, thatës
what Basson found. When a relationship is new, or when women are away
from their partner for days or weeks, theyëre more likely to have
"conscious sexual hunger," just like men. But, once women are in
long-term relationships, they tend not to have the same "spontaneous
sexual neediness" men do, but they can be sexually arousable, or
"triggerable." In other words, thereës a good chance the problem isnët
with your girlfriendës desire for sex, but in how youëre both waiting
around for it like itës a crosstown bus.
A better
approach is what marriage therapist Michele Weiner Davis calls "The
Nike Solution" (i.e., "just do it") in her smart but depressingly
titled book, "The Sex-Starved Marriage." Jumping off from Bassonës
work, Weiner Davis explains that women may not feel desire initially,
but if they just start fooling around, theyëre likely to get there. You
should also reconsider the notion that sharing a life means sharing
living quarters. Since you might have a little more sex if itës a
little less available, why not rent the apartment across the street and
just do a lot of visiting?
If your
girlfriendës pilot light still canët be lit, she should have herself
checked out by a specialist in female sexual medicine ÇƒÓ who probably
wonët be the corner gynecologist. Finally, consider the unpleasant
possibility that love isnët the answer but the problem. Maybe your
girlfriend never was very attracted to you, but believed the hoohah
that if you love somebody, attraction will follow. Wrong. Not gonna
happen. But, minus attraction, thereës still plenty of opportunity for
sleeping together ÇƒÓ as in, lying perfectly still in flannel pajamas
after youëre both spent from 20 minutes of the hottest nonstop hugging
ever.
A whole new bald game
Iëm going bald
really fast, and Iëm only 22. I donët have the cash for hair
replacement surgery, Iëve yet to find a good toupee, and Iëve tried
topical treatments and nothing works. I guess it would help me to know
whether women really care about a guyës hair, or rather, the lack of
it.
ÇƒÓ Need Hair Peace
There is no such
thing as "a good toupee." Like a mustache on a woman, that double-stick
cowlick on your head will be the first thing anybody sees. And forget
going out in weather any more severe than what youëd find in your
living room. One moment, youëve got a full head of hair; a breeze and a
few raindrops later, and youëve got a big drowned squirrel
spread-eagled across your face. Thereës really only one truly effective
hair replacement, and thatës confidence. Instead of mourning your hair,
embrace your scalp. Cut your remaining hair really close or shave it
all off. And yes, male pattern baldness will make you unsexy to some
women, but male pattern insecurity ÇƒÓ curling one 326-foot hair around
your head and fooling nobody ÇƒÓ will make you unsexy to most.
ï
Got a problem?
Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave., No. 280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or
e-mail AdviceAmy-at-aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com)
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