This married man flirts (but that’s it)

  I’m very attracted to my co-worker — a self-described “happily married man.” We are “friends,” but he always has a warm hug, an interesting YouTube video, or a poem or short story he’s written to share with me. He has taken me to lunch and has done work for me gratis. If I have car trouble, he connects me to a mechanic and sees I get great work for a great price. Twice he’s told me, “I love you.” The second time, I responded, “I love you, too, and if you weren’t married, I’d take you on!” He then responded, “Previous commitment!” I’m confused as to what’s going on in his head. There has been no sex, and he hasn’t asked for any.

The guy seems to be having a “flirtationship” with you -- which is to say, this stuff he’s doing is foreplay to foreplay that’s unlikely to happen. There seems to be some evolutionary psychology bubbling up here — specifically, a facet of “error management theory.” This is the mouthful of a way that researchers Martie Haselton and David Buss explain how, when we might make an error in judgment, we evolved to make the least costly error. And though women engage in flirtationships, men seem to have evolved to err on the side of not missing a possible mating opportunity. And yes, that’s true even when they aren’t technically free to “mate” — like when a guy has taken (and seems to adhere to) those pesky vows to grow old with some lady, and not just in between sex romps with some other lady.

That’s where flirting comes in. Interpersonal communications researcher David Henningsen points out that the essence of flirting is ambiguity, leading the target to “suspect that sexual interest is being expressed” but not allowing them to really be sure. As for a flirt’s goal, predictably, for many in Henningsen’s and others’ research, it’s about “getting some.” But some flirting, called “instrumental” flirting, is about getting something else —  like getting a discount, getting some free help, or getting out of a ticket by flashing a lady cop one’s man boobs. 

As for what may be going on here, Henningsen notes that some flirting is just about having fun or is a way for a person to feel good about themselves. (“She’s all over me like ants on a croissanwich!”) There’s also what Henningsen calls the “exploring” motivation: safely testing what a relationship with somebody new might be like (in case the wife runs off with the census taker).

Chances are, this guy is into you but is clinging to fidelity like a shipwrecked rat on driftwood. Maybe try to enjoy this for what it is: free lunch, free work, and referrals to the amazing Carlos at Numero Uno Auto. And try to be grateful for all that he shares with you, like the poetry and short stories that his wife probably (wisely) refuses to read. As for a companion to take you to that dark place with satin sheets, you’ll have to find somebody unmarried and available. If this guy is looking to make his wife cry, it seems he’ll stick to low-grade relationship misdemeanors, like forgetting her birthday or, when they’re in bed, calling her by an old girlfriend’s name. Or by the dog’s.

Generation text

Spoken-word telephone conversation does have its merits, like how you’re unlikely to find yourself asking your grandma to send you a better photo of her penis.

There’s an assumption many women make that if a guy’s only texting you and not calling you, he’s not that into you. But context matters. Like whether “whassup gorjuss?” comes in at 1:17 a.m. or at 9:30 a.m. as you’re riding the elevator up to work. And content especially matters — in a guy’s texts and when you’re together.

For example, on dates, is he looking into your eyes as you two talk for hours or looking into his phone as you stare into your napkin? In short, the medium is not the message. The message is the message — like if someone’s on the phone with you and simultaneously organizing his sock drawer, pondering a zit in the mirror, and bidding on a vintage beer sign on eBay: “Sorry, what was that about your childhood trauma?”

Do I look infatuated in this?

Ah, yes…your love is like a summer’s day — if a summer’s day chased its lemonade with two Red Bulls and a five-shot latte.

It’s easy for you to assume you’re in your right mind, just because you haven’t started throwing peanuts at people in the park while debating abortion with a squirrel. But there are three stages of love: the “falling in it” stage, the “figuring out how it’ll work” stage, and finally, the “you’re the one!” commitment stage. You’re in the starting days of the “falling in it” stage — getting hit by rushing hormones and neurotransmitters — which is to say that you’re chemically dazed. Which is to say that making any sort of decision about what you two have is like getting really high and going off to sign papers for a bank loan.

In fact, according to research by psychiatry professor Donatella Marazziti, it’s likely that right now, you and this guy are each chemically different people — and thus behaviorally different people — than you will be once the chemical storm dies down. Marazziti found significant shifts in testosterone levels in both men and women who’d recently fallen in love.

Compared with single people and people who’d been in relationships awhile, women newly in love had elevated testosterone, likely making them more sexually tigress-y, while the T levels of men newly in love dropped, likely making them more gooey and emotional — to the point where even a Navy SEAL might start sounding like a Valentine’s Day card.

How long the biochemical inebriation lasts varies, but Marazziti’s research suggests that couples are pretty much out of the falling in love daze a year to two years later. It’s only then — once you sober up — that you find out what you actually have together.

The kind of love that sticks around is not just a feeling but a feeling that inspires loving action. As novelist Marlon James, quoting a former lover, put it: “Love isn’t saying ‘I love you,’ but calling to say, ‘Did you eat?’”

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