“Bullying is the sanctuary of the immature, the inadequate and the truest coward.”

The Problem

he heart of the second amendment isn’t about guns – it’s about the natural right to defend ourselves. There’s growing evidence we may need to.

Recent events involving the Middle East, Mexico, and Baltimore reveal America’s impaired capacity to defend foreign lands, US borders or our own cities. Even those who would protect us are vulnerable.  

The purposeful executions of ISIS differ little from the service station murder of a Texas deputy filling his gas tank. Both reflect a world growing ever more dedicated to savagery as a solution.

It may surprise you that some of the most violent places in our community are public schools. Though officials blame diligent reporting integrity for that disturbing stat, Buncombe has roughly twice the crime rate of the average North Carolina school system. Real integrity is found in their effort to take a stronger stance on predatory behavior.

That matters because our schools are incubators for the next generation of criminals as surely as our nurses, truckers, teachers, and plumbers. Today’s seventh-grade bully is more likely to be tomorrow’s cop killer than tomorrow’s cop.

We can do something about it.

What’s a bully?

Anyone who derives pleasure, meaning, power or opportunity out of abusing others rates on the bully meter. Having stumbled onto the drugs of anger and violence as a destructive source of identity, bullies are equally at risk for other addictive enterprises like video games, pornography, substances, laziness, TV, hip-hop music or anything else representing a shortcut to feeling good. Like all addicts they’re usually experts in denial, self-service and social manipulation.

In today’s confused world, bullies are just as likely to be women as men. A tendency to criticize others and run in packs marks masked insecurities. They get started at an early age and, like rogue predatory lions, learn to love to eat people.

Bullies have a big impact

How many times do you have to be bitten by a dog, spider or snake to develop a dread of such?

Bullies have the same impact, except the pivotal outcome is a fear of people. Adults identify bullying at school as the second greatest source of childhood pain. Teen suicides and 75 percent of school shooting incidents routinely track to a bullied child.

Bullies aren’t just a problem in the hallway, school bus or bathroom. They leak their venom all day long by disrupting the learning environment. Ninety percent of all 4th- through 8th-graders report being victims of bullying and one out of 10 dropouts leave to escape bullies.

It’s no small concern that children develop their social-emotional coping model amidst the turmoil of middle school – the most precarious segment of the academic spectrum.

How to spot the bullied

There are signals like a low sense of self-worth that doesn’t improve. A child who chronically avoids school, tends toward the Sunday evening blues, seems socially isolated and has unexplained injuries or missing stuff may be telling you something. Casual reference to suicide can mean your child fears the unknowns of death less than their abuser at school.

 Be advised that external cues merit keen attentions. Abused children rarely tell adults what’s happening. They’re too ashamed, blame themselves or fear being ignored, criticized or punished by those they tell. And when the bully finds out?

Don’t do this if you want to help        

Like all government agencies, the number one mission of schools is self-protection. That’s why uncomfortable crime stats are tagged to reporting excellence instead of not-so-excellent enforcement. Painting a happy face on everything helps administrators – not bullying victims. Pretending bullies aren’t really that big of a problem, tolerating their harm as a ‘kids will be kids’ thing, and punishing the victim as surely as the bully are examples of protecting the system over the child.

Pretending we can’t find who’s at fault is unethical nonsense. Teachers and administrators know the bullies – and so do their parents – and that bullies dodging accountability usually become bigger bullies.

Skip hollow advice for the bullied like, “Tell your teacher,” Try being his friend,” or “He’ll get tired of picking on you.” That makes us feel better, not the child. Pay attention to the power of the computer – cyber bullying, like cyber accessed pornography, is very common, very damaging and very easily hidden.   

Whatever you do, avoid nonsense statements like, “You bring it on yourself.” Children don’t purposefully trigger bullies any more than seals actively seek the attentions of killer whales.

What can we do about it?

Bullies operate out of the instinctive versus thinking brain and thus respond to conditioning, not logic. This is why most school interventions don’t work. Consequences have to vigorously exceed the rewards of bullying. That takes administrative courage.

Stop punishing the victim, especially when they stand up. Disciplining the perpetrator and their prey equally sends the message there’s no difference in violence as intentional aggression and reluctant self-defense.

Remember the bullied are more often confused and untrained than the stupid word for a complex fight, freeze, or flight process – ‘chickens.’ A rabbit is not a chicken because he doesn’t battle with a hawk.

Every parent should teach their child to defend themselves – with words and physically when necessary. Passivity is not rewarded for a kid like it is for an adult.

Stop pretending videogames, movies, television and hip-hop do not influence our children. Doing so ignores every empirical principle of social/behavioral psychology known to man.

It’s important to pay attention to your child as they are, not as you wish they would be. Give your child a soft landing place in a hard world. Setting up success opportunities is a counter to the harms of bullying for the same reason growing good grass is a counter to weeds.

If you’re bullied, remember the difference in a Ferrari and a Volkswagen. Bullies are usually the latter and peak early. The more complex you are, the longer it takes to develop your full potentials.

America is rapidly losing connection to the Christian values that have brought us to a special dance. Lost is the eventually of a society abandoning its true moral compass and predators thrive in bewildered societies.

A wise man was asked, “What’s the most important thing to a person?” “To matter,” he answered. “We all need to matter.” There will always be good and bad ways to do that – bullies stumble toward the latter.

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Do you have information about a source of mischief in our community? You can safely contact us at 252-8390 or This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it . We are offering a $500 reward for information on corruption, crime, or other harms you share in confidence and we reveal in print. Bad things grow in the dark. We have a flashlight – do you have a whistle?

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Carl Mumpower is a former member of Asheville City Council.