She sees the two of you getting old together.
You see the two of you getting together for sex on Friday.
The French make this sort of mismatch sound sexy and fabulous, calling what she’s feeling “la douleur exquise” -- the “exquisite pain” of wanting somebody you can’t have.
But look under the hood and you’ll see an ugly stew of hormones and the psychological gotchas called cognitive biases — unconscious errors in reasoning — leading to an acute case of adult-onset puppy love.
Some would argue that this woman is worshipping at your altar of her own free will (laying if not crops and a goat at your feet, then undying love, Doritos, and beer).
The truth is, a cognitive bias called the “sunk cost fallacy” probably has a good bit to do with her sticking around. This describes our tendency to be irrational “investors” — deciding whether we’ll continue putting time, energy, and/or money into something based on what we’ve already put in.
This is dumb, because our initial investment is gone, and throwing in more whatever won’t change that. The rational approach would be basing our decision on what kind of payoff we’re likely to see down the road.
Unfortunately, though we humans have a reasoning department built into our brain, cognitive biases can keep it a plastic-wrapped no-go zone, much like my late grandma’s living room couch.
Love is not always 50/50, but it also shouldn’t be, oh, 90/10.
Eventually, if you have a conscience, taking advantage of her futile hopes will prey on you (if it hasn’t already).
And sooner or later, she’s likely to resent and maybe even hate you for sticking around to never give her what she wants — instead providing the dating version of “Hey, we don’t sell what you need at this store, but please hang out here till we go out of business.”
Leave of absinthe
I drank too much mystery punch at an office party last week and confessed my unrequited crush to a co-worker. He thanked me and said he was “flattered.” I was mortified and now feel really uncomfortable at the office. How can I fix this?
— Embarrassed
My boyfriend, whose favorite self-help book is “The Godfather,” had this helpful suggestion: “Hire a hit man and have the guy clipped.”
Unfortunately, this advice violates my rule of not solving people’s problems by giving them bigger problems, like a first-degree murder charge.
Instead, inject a little perspective. Okay, you spewed at the party, but now, back at the office, your thoughts aren’t running across your forehead, CNN news-ticker-style: “I’m in love with you. You’re so hot. I love your tie. Marry me.”
To make yesterday’s drunken blurtation today’s “I said no such thing,” align how you act with the message you want to send.
This starts with realigning your head. Reframe what happened. Tell yourself that it was gutsy to put yourself out there. Next, tell yourself that you accept that he’s not interested. Repeat until these notions sink in.
If you use these thoughts to avoid acting uncomfortable around him — no look of sweaty shame, no tight smile at the copier — he’ll have no reason to be uncomfortable around you. It’s like giving yourself a reset — that is, until you drink too much at lunch and he finds your Post-it on his computer: “I still wanna have your babies. Don’t forget!” You know you’ll feel bad when you check his Facebook and Twitter, yet you keep doing it.
This is the social media version of being the busty friend character in the horror movie — the one who says, “I hear creepy reptilian hissing coming from the cellar. I’m sure it’s nothing, but I’ll just rub my large breasts with raw hamburger and go down there with this flickering flashlight to check.”
Unless intelligence tests have revealed you to have an IQ rivaling that of Jell-O, you’re repeating this misery-making behavior because you, like the rest of us, are prone to fall into automatic strings of behavior we call habits.
In “The Power of Habit,” Charles Duhigg explains that “a habit is a choice we deliberately make at some point, and then stop thinking about, but continue doing.” Research finds that every habit has three components, which Duhigg calls the CUE (a feeling that triggers behavior), the ROUTINE (the behavior itself), and the REWARD (some sort of payoff that tells your brain, “Oh, yeah, let’s totally do that again”).
You’re probably picturing yourself at 80, with an elderly monkey on your back, still frantically checking Facebook for signs your ex-boyfriend’s shifted position in the last 30 seconds.
But Duhigg emphasizes that you can break a habit. You do this by swapping out the middle step, the routine (compulsively clicking into your ex’s social media accounts). To understand what to replace it with, check in with yourself at the moment the urge strikes and figure out the “why” — what reward you’re going after, what need you’re trying to fill.
Maybe you’re lonely and longing to feel connected. Or maybe you’re going for a hit of intensity. Intense feelings are called “arousal” in psychology and can be positive or negative. Either leads to feeling stimulated and alive (though sometimes alive and pretty miserable).
Next, you need a plan — a substitute routine to slip in whenever the impulse to cyber-stalk him strikes. This replacement routine is especially important because a “negative goal” — not doing something — is way harder than doing something different.
So, if it’s connection you’re longing for, call a friend or go impede a co-worker’s productivity. If you’re an intensity junkie, watch a clip from a slasher movie or maybe rappel to your car instead of taking the elevator.
Be prepared for temptation to gnaw at you, especially if you’re tired or hungry (when willpower is at its wimpiest).
Make it harder for yourself to cheat by mailing your phone to a faraway friend and burying your modem in the backyard — or at least blocking the guy on social media and maybe installing a program on your computer like Freedom (macfreedom.com), which prevents you from getting on the Internet.
When the going gets tough, remind yourself that time heals most wounds, and it should do the job on yours —- as soon as you stop picking that 140-character scab every 10 minutes.
Louvre, actually
I’m really into this beautiful, funny girl I’ve been dating for three weeks. I think she likes me, but my gut says she’s pulling away a little. If this fizzles, I’ll be heartbroken. She’s leaving on a 10-day business trip to Europe in two days. Should I get her a gift or a card to let her know I’m really into her (and to not fall in love with any European dudes while she’s away)?
— Worried
What kind of gift were you thinking of giving her — the duct tape you’d use to strap her to a chair in your den?
When somebody you’re interested in seems to be backing away, it’s natural to want to chase them. It’s also the most counterproductive thing you could do. (You look desperate, and they look for doorways to hide in.)
Your best bet is to remain present but be minimal about it, like by texting her on the morning she leaves, “Hey, have a safe trip and a great time.” While she’s away, keep seriously busy, both to stay okay in the head and so, when you do see her, you won’t come off like you spent 10 days in your bunk bed drawing sparkly hearts in a notebook with her name on the cover.
Upon her return, wait at least a few days, and then ask her out. Give her the space to miss you and she just might do that, and you just might find yourself showing her the American version of “if the gondola’s a-rockin’, don’t come a-knockin’.”
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(c.) 2015, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or e-mail AdviceAmy@aol.com
