| The Advice Goddess
Amy Alkon |
My friend owns her own home, drives a Mercedes, competes in triathlons, and is a great businesswoman, yet sheës suddenly MISERABLE because she doesnët have a "soul mate." Sheës decided this is the year sheëll find "the one," and sheës reading dating guides, studying Dr. Phil and attending man-catcher seminars. She used to be so cheerful and fun, but lately, I avoid going out with her because she gives off desperate vibes, is weird and competitive, and kind of a drag. When I hint that sheëd do better if she chilled a bit, she accuses me of trying to "get ahead" of her, as if thereës some soul mate derby or something. (I actually think of myself as "fabulously single.") I want my old friend back; am I just being selfish?
ÇƒÓ Single And Sane
As you suggest,
the moment your friend got desperate for love is the moment she became
extremely unlikely to land any. Ideally, the seduction process should
rev up desire in a man, not simulate the experience of a beetle being
chased by an entomologist with a giant straight pin.
Like a lot of
unpartnered types who go suddenly psycho, your friend probably seemed
perfectly happy until that night she marched into some crowded bar and
shouted, "Iëm nothing without you!" (Who "you" is remains to be seen.)
Now, maybe she
never really was happy, or maybe she just hit that age where "single"
becomes an adult form of cooties. In a recently published study, Bella
M. DePaulo and Wendy L. Morris blame this bias on "The Cult of the
Couple," and puzzle at "the strange implication that people without a
stable sexual relationship are wandering adrift with open wounds and
shivering in their sleep."
DePaulo and
Morris arenët anti-couple; they were just surprised when their data
showed most people suspect single equals loser ÇƒÓ even single people.
When they asked 950 undergrads to describe the characteristics of
married and single people in general, married people were assumed to be
"mature, stable, honest, happy, kind, and loving." Singles got nailed
with "immature, insecure, self-centered, unhappy, lonely and ugly."
Of course, the
truth is, sometimes two is the loneliest number. Is there really
anything lonelier than feeling completely alone when youëre in
relationship with somebody else?
It doesnët help
that award-winning social scientists keep making bold pronouncements
about the transformative power of marriage, like E. Mavis
Hetheringtonës claim, "Happily married couples are healthier, happier,
wealthier and sexier than are singles."
Donët be too
quick to assume they also have bigger breasts, flatter abs and are less
likely to be abducted by aliens. The above quote from Hetheringtonës
recently published book was just one of many examples cited by DePaulo
and Morris of couple-glorifying sloppy methodology and data analysis.
DePaulo told me via e-mail, "I think that cultural notions about
singles and marrieds are so pervasive, and so unquestioned, that even
respected scholars do less than their best work on the topic."
DePaulo and
Morris point out the rather obvious flaw in Hetheringtonës claim: She
compared only happily married people to all single people.
Wow, imagine that: Happily marrieds are more satisfied with their lives than, say, suicidal singles.
If this "Youëre
Nobody ǃÚTil Somebody Loves You" propaganda isnët whatës sending your
friend over the edge, itës probably the alluring idea of "the one" as
the one-stop-shopping solution to all your existential woes.
Of course,
expecting to get your every need met by one person makes about as much
sense as going to the corner store for a quart of milk and being irate
that they canët also sell you a Persian rug, a baby ferret and the Hope
Diamond.
What you can do
is be "the one" ÇƒÓ that special person who gives your life meaning ÇƒÓ and
then look for the other one: somebody who matches you pretty well on
the stuff that matters, and well enough on the rest.
In other words, there is no handsome prince. There might, however, be a moderately attractive auto parts store executive.
Meanwhile, even the "fabulously single" donët have it all worked out.
Here you are,
probably content with your life and your circle of friends, and maybe
even a friend or two with benefits, yet it never occurred to you to get
out of a dead-end relationship? Yes, the one with your friend who
confuses bringing out the animal in men with bringing out the trapped
animal.
You might miss
the woman she once was, but until she becomes that woman again, you
could follow the lead of the unhappily coupled and "take a little time
off" ÇƒÓ at least until she better understands why people like you remain
single.
And no, it isnët
because your religion forbids dusting or you spend all your free time
rearranging your collection of famous peopleës toenail clippings.
ï
Got a problem?
Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave., No. 280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or
e-mail AdviceAmy-at-aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com)
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