I’ve tried to be open-minded, but I’ve decided that men are givers and women are takers. I study at my local coffeehouse. I am interested in this woman who comes in and often unplug my computer and offer to let her use the outlet. Two weeks ago, I decided to make my interest clearer by buying her coffee. She said, ”Oh! Thanks!” Then she put her nose back in her books. The next time she came in, I offered her my large table because she had tons of books. She blushed as girls do, asking, “Are you sure?” I said, “Of course!” I then worked at a small, cramped table next to her. She made no effort to talk, except when she asked me to watch her computer while she went to the restroom. Finally, I decided to be really clear and asked if she’d like to grab a bite sometime. She smiled and said she’d just see me here, but thanks. Yeah, she’ll see me there and expect me to give her my big table. I’m sick of this take, take, take. A woman needs to tell a man right away if she’s not interested and not let him sit there like an idiot, planning to make her life easier.

— Irate

I guess when you ask a woman whether she’d like to use the power outlet, she should just come right out and say, “I would, but I don’t find you very attractive.”

Why go after what you want when you can dance around it, do it favors, and hope it figures out that you’ve made a secret agreement with it in your head? There are girls who would respond in a way you’d consider honorable — who would not only show appreciation when you provide them with complimentary food and beverages but even follow you home. Unfortunately, they’re the sort of girls who catch a Frisbee in their teeth. 

Like the sign spinner on the corner in the Statue of Liberty suit, you think you need to lure women with a special offer, except instead of “Cash for gold!” it’s “Snake your drain for a date!”

You’re apparently convinced that no woman would want you for you. This probably isn’t entirely off base, since the “you” you currently are is a guy who thinks instilling a sense of obligation in a woman for favors rendered is your best hope of having sex again before you forget where the parts go. 

Stop grumbling that women are conniving takers, and work on accepting yourself, flaws and all. Once your self-respect is no longer trailer-hitched to whether women want you, you can be direct — just talk to a woman, let her see who you are, and ask her out. She may turn you down, but if you feel okay about yourself, you’ll see her rejection as your cue — simply to find the next girl to hit on, not to storm out behind the coffeehouse, shake your fist at the sky, and yell, “Hey, weren’t the meek supposed to inherit the earth? Where’s mine?!”

Wait problems

A friend of a year has a pattern of raving about people she meets and then completely cooling on them. Last week, she met a man online. On their first date, he took her shopping, buying her a gold ring and a key ring he had engraved with both their names and “Thinking of you always.” She describes him as perfect, brilliant, etc., and said she loves him and would marry him. I said things like “Take some time to get to know him,” but I don’t think she really heard me.

— Concerned

A first date like theirs raises some questions for the second date, such as, “Who should pay the invoice for the side-by-side burial plots?” Be prepared to wear out your face trying to talk sense into your friend. The problem is “confirmation bias” — our tendency to seek information that supports what we already believe and toss information that does not.

In other words, your time would be better spent painting a wall and speaking meaningful thoughts to the paint as it dries. Another productive use of your time would be adding up how much of it you’re spending worrying about this woman’s problems. It isn’t mercenary or ugly to expect a friendship to be mutual and to influence you in positive ways.

If how she lives is dragging you down, you may want to give her a little less prominence in your life. Then, when you do see her, you can just admire her ring and share in her happiness at reaching that milestone golden anniversary — celebrating 50 joyous minutes of knowing a man. 

Moody call

Ten months ago, while studying abroad, I had one wonderful night with a girl. We kissed and danced the night away. She lives in Brazil, but we’ve communicated regularly via Skype and email. I’ve never felt such a strong connection. Recently, I asked what she wanted, and she said to be together in the same country. We started imagining that, and she became extremely attached, wanting reassurance about our future that I couldn’t yet give. I confessed to feeling guilty about causing her emotional strain. She flipped, seeming like a totally different person. She said it wasn’t the first time someone had worried about how attached she was and said she’d start being more distant with me. Angry, I briefly blocked her on my phone so I wouldn’t communicate anything rash. She later complained about her texts bouncing back, and I explained what I’d done and why. She lost it, saying she was “sick of this” and “done.” That was two weeks ago. Should I attempt reopening communication? I feel I’m missing the opportunity of a lifetime if I don’t. 

— International Love

Here’s a woman who flips out when you worry aloud that you aren’t making her happy fast enough. The prospect of being with someone who does this is the “opportunity of a lifetime” the way Hurricane Sandy was the vacation opportunity of a lifetime, complete with the chance to swim in the Jersey shore’s finest restaurants and mingle with celebrities (well, wave to Sean Penn if a disaster recovery photo op took his rowboat past the roof of your motel).

A long-distance relationship is a relationship that’s miles from reality. Much of its power comes from what’s missing. For example, there are a lot of blanks left by “seeing” somebody by Skype and email. Nature (and human nature) abhors a vacuum, so you fill the blanks with your projections of who the person is, drawn from romantic memories and hopes of who you’d like them to be. The love you feel may, in part, be a love of how your conversations make you feel about you: that you’re witty, charming, and a great romancer. And of course, love that’s out of reach tends to have the strongest pull, a la Romeo and Juliet. Frankly, if their families hadn’t basically been the Crips and the Bloods with linguini and instead had been all “Hey, you crazy kids, be home by curfew,” it probably would have been a matter of weeks before Juliet was sneaking out behind the palazzo with Marcello and then Luigi.

You find out whether you can have a life with a woman by experiencing her day to day -- seeing whether she chases you around with a cleaver when you forget to wash a glass or when you draw the line at picking up ladyproducts at the drugstore. You could propose living in the same place for a month -- after getting in touch to tell her how wrong you were. (This is basically catnip for women, and whether you were actually wrong about anything is immaterial.) But consider all that goes into a relationship with someone from another country (travel expenses, residency permits, and difficulty finding work and even getting a work permit). Maybe it makes sense to deem what you had as “one wonderful night with a girl” — before you get to Brazilian customs and find yourself answering “Do you have anything to declare?” with “Yes, I think I’m making a big mistake.”

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(c.) 2013, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA  90405, or e-mail This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it (advicegoddess.com). Weekly radio show: blogtalkradio.com/amyalkon