Ten years ago, my friend and I met our husbands on the same night (they were friends who challenged us to a game of pool), and we both got married the same year. We all pledged to spend our 10th anniversary in Hawaii together, but my friend’s husband is making it difficult, saying no to every flight, activity and hotel my friend and I propose. He’ll call a hotel “overrated” or “too touristy,” but his one bad quality is that he’s seriously cheap, and it’s becoming clear that he’s trying to torpedo the whole vacation because of it. (They are well-off, by the way!) He keeps joking that we should just stay home and celebrate — but I don’t think he’s really joking. I’m angry with my friend for never telling her husband to curb his cheapness and for not standing up for our plans and worried that my anger could affect our friendship.

— Frustrated

While the Hawaiian islands are home to some of the world’s most beautiful tropical gardens, your friend’s husband would like to point out that your hometown boasts not just one but several Olive Gardens. (You can still wear leis!)

Your friend probably feels embarrassed about her husband’s tightwaddy ways (and her inability to change them), but probably feels disloyal saying so. Still, despite how the man must get blisters from clinging so tight to a dollar, being married to him must work for her. (You don’t mention anything about his being horrible to her or even just making her persistently unhappy, like by promising to have children with her and then insisting they have goldfish instead because they’re cheaper.) 

To feel less suckered, try to have some sympathy for the guy, who probably isn’t cheap just to irritate you and everyone he knows. People say “money talks.” To him, it probably says stuff like, “If I leave you, I’m never coming back!” The origins of his cheapitude may be in his upbringing — and may even be in his genes, according to a 2010 study by Dr. Itamar Simonson and Dr. Aner Sela surveying attitudes about risk and spending in identical and fraternal twins. As in other twin studies, identical twins (who are born from a single egg and are thus genetically identical) were significantly more alike in a number of measures, including how risk- and loss-averse they were, suggesting a genetic component to being a cheap mofo.

Swap your anger at your friend for acceptance of reality: She isn’t able to stand up to him, and he isn’t able to say yes to spending money on a pricey vacation when he probably spends much of his life worrying that he’ll someday have to pawn a kidney to buy groceries. Tell your friend — sans animosity — that you’re weary of searching, you’re booking a hotel, and you hope they’ll join you if it works for them. Who knows, when you’re all looking at celebrating your 20th together — maybe on a tropical cruise! — things may be different. Not because either of them is likely to change but because Orbitz may start offering great deals on floating to Hawaii on pieces of broken barrels.

Indignation wants to be free

What are your thoughts on gently dissuading a person from making a total fool of herself on Facebook? A woman I know had her husband leave her for the woman he was cheating on her with. She’s been venting about this almost daily on Facebook, in sometimes blistering detail, and I’m truly embarrassed for her. She’s looking for a job, and a prospective employer could see these posts (as could potential future boyfriends). Shockingly, not one of her 443 Facebook friends has suggested she put a lid on it. 

— Concerned Acquaintance

Social networking, at its worst, is like drunk dialing not only your rotten ex but everyone in his zip code. It’s easy to forget this when you’re home alone in your ratty old robe, typing a message into the Facebook status window. But, the moment you hit “post,” it’s like you lured 500 people into a room with a clip of a monkey skiing and then got up on an ottoman and yelled out a hate-soaked rant about how your cheating husband should’ve pledged, “Till skanky piece of trash do us part.” 

If you saw a blind man about to step off the curb into speeding traffic, you’d probably tap him on the shoulder and say, “You know, that seems like a bad idea.” A similar approach seems in order for a friend in a blind rage wandering naked into Internet traffic. With Facebook’s confusing and ever-changing privacy settings and every computer user’s ability to take screenshots or copy and paste text, it’s best to assume that everything you post has the default visibility of “everyone on earth.” (Ideally, this is best assumed proactively -- before some fisherman in China messages you, “Tell us more! Post pictures!”) 

Now, it’s possible that others have privately messaged her, noting that staying connected can sometimes be the quickest way to alienate yourself from future boyfriends and employers. It’s also possible many are frozen by what social psychologists call “the bystander effect” — how being in a crowd (or even just imagining being in one) seems to lessen the likelihood that people will help a person in need. People will assume that someone else in the crowd will intervene or, if they haven’t, that there’s good reason they haven’t. (Maybe that’s what went on here — or maybe all these “friends” are just too entertained by the carnage to ask her to stop.) 

Of course, people are also less likely to speak up when it might make somebody angry with them, which, in this case, could lead to their unfriending on Facebook and in reallifebook, too. If you’re willing to risk that, message her, sympathize about what she’s going through, and gently remind her that even if she isn’t vying to be secretary of state, those heading the “confirmation hearings” for her next job are sure to have access to the Internet.

This isn’t to say employers won’t look at people who engage in social media overshare, but it’s best that their interest isn’t expressed with “Forget her resume. Check out this YouTube video of her shoveling horse poo on her husband’s car and lighting it on fire!“

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(c) 2012, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA  90405, or e-mail This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it (advicegoddess.com). Weekly radio show: blogtalkradio.com/amyalkon