You wrote in your column, “Men, especially, are compelled to ditch what’s chasing them and chase what’s trying to ditch them.” It seems you’re advising that the simple desire to love a man must be approached without authenticity and personal integrity. Must a woman really scheme to get a man, using a painfully conscious strategy based on men’s psychological makeup, and wait and wait like Cinderella until he reaches out to her? 

— Truth-Teller

For a woman of character, honesty is the best policy — except when judicious honesty is a better policy, like on the second date, when you refrain from telling a guy that you and he should pick out side-by-side burial plots: “The moment I saw you, I just knew I wanted to decompose next to you!” 

You think of employing restraint as “scheming.” Um, scheming is talking a guy into a $10 million insurance policy and then sending him skydiving with a busted parachute.

The notion that it’s morally bankrupt to refrain from chasing a man is an idea out of some future gender-neutral utopia where everyone wears “Star Trek” uniforms, eats single little cubes of lunch, and grows babies in a Mason jar in their front room.

As I’ve written before, any sexual encounter had a hefty potential cost for a woman during the Stone Age — a particularly crappy time to be a single mother. Because of this, women evolved to be choosier about partners, and men coevolved to expect that of them.

Times have changed, but our psychology really hasn’t. So, when a woman throws herself at a man like a big flopping flounder, he’s likely to duck — suspecting that she probably isn’t worth having (for anything beyond a quick romp) if she’s so easy to get.

This is unfortunate, but whining endlessly about it is an ineffective strategy for getting what you want, unless what you want are polyps on your vocal cords.

What you’re really arguing for is, “Why shouldn’t I be able to throw all self-discipline out the window and have the man I want drop down my chimney like Santa?” 

In a similar vein, I often wonder why I’ve been unable to become incredibly wealthy by napping. (Welcome to real life. Please visit often in the future.)

The answer is neither throwing yourself at a man nor waiting for him to notice that you dropped your glass slipper.

You flirt to indicate that you’d be interested in going out with him, if only he’d ask. Flirting takes patience and self-control, but it isn’t exactly a horrible chore. It’s playful and fun. Kind of like tag. You run a little, and if all goes well, the guy chases you.

Men just love to chase things — women, animals, purse-snatchers. In the U.K., they even have a tradition of chasing a big wheel of cheese down a hill. Wait — don’t get ideas. You will need to flip your hair and make eye contact and teasing remarks. 

You can’t just throw yourself down a grassy incline.

Wife imagines splendor... in the grass cuttings

I married a domineering man 20 years my senior. We have two college-age kids. I’ve spent the past 22 years (half my life) navigating his ill-temperedness and high expectations, and my life is often chaotic and unhappy. For nine months, I’ve been infatuated with my super-hot 25-year-old co-worker, “Dax.” I’ve tried to distance myself, but my husband met Dax, saw how buff Dax is, and offered him a landscaping job at our home! Because my husband is such a jerk, I was sure he’d drive Dax away, but he and Dax have great rapport! Dax laughs off my husband’s snide comments and teases back and even flirts with me in front of him. He’s now joining us for dinner, my husband’s making him egg sandwiches in the morning, and my daughter called him “kinda like a sister.” I’m having intense sexual fantasies, and my marital love life has perked up because I’m constantly turned on. My rational mind says this is a runaway train, and my crush-addled brain is trying to arrange alone time with him. I fantasize that my hubby will run away with someone, so I can be with Dax. 

— Lust-Whacked

Be careful what you wish for. 

The way things are going, it shouldn’t be long before you come down to the breakfast table and walk in on your husband cutting up egg sandwiches and playfully popping them in Dax’s mouth.

In fact, it seems your cabana boy needs a sign-up sheet. When he isn’t busy removing his shirt in your backyard and letting sweat glisten on his taut pecs and drip down to his tight abs, he’s got tease-offs with your husband.

Then, it’s off to the mall for a little shoe shopping with your daughter — before sitting down for the family dinner. An aspiring two-timing wife just can’t get a sex rendezvous in edgewise!  

So, your husband is “ill-tempered” and “domineering” — and apparently has been for 22 years. By all means, do nothing about that. (If only snubbing your problems would make them hang their little heads and slink away.)

Of course, getting naked in the tool shed with a sexalicious lawnboy is loads more fun than getting emotionally naked with your husband and some disapproving therapist.

The thing is, fair play in a marriage involves sticking to that boring “forsake all others” business until you’ve notified your spouse that you want out of your contract. And no, letting him catch you in bed with your lawn intern doesn’t count as notification. 

It isn’t too late to take the step you should’ve when you first started feeling miserable in your marriage — do that adult thing and use your words. Tell your husband how unhappy you are — in a way that motivates him to take action and makes him feel that he may lose you if he doesn’t change.

Think of this as triggering a positive crisis — positive in that it gives you a shot at turning a despot into a husband and a dictatorship into a partnership. You may ultimately decide to end your marriage, but at least you’ll do it in a way that doesn’t leave your kids with a sordid story of how Mom left Dad for the lawn guy and then the lawn guy left Mom for a hot 22-year-old with crabgrass.

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(c.) 2012, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA  90405, or e-mail This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it (advicegoddess.com). Weekly radio show: blogtalkradio.com/amyalkon