By AMY ALKON

 What is an appropriate amount of togetherness time for a couple? My 9-year-old son spends half the week with me, plus every other weekend. My girlfriend of a year wasn’t happy with only the other half of my time, so she started joining me and my son. She and I are now together 5 1/2 days a week (3 1/2 of which are also with my son). I’m never alone; I have no time to go grocery shopping, etc.; and no one’s happy. My son prefers being alone with me; she enjoys him but feels she’s sacrificing our time together. On Saturday, I had an important business meeting at 10 a.m. and a 2 p.m. coffee with a visiting guy friend. I had paperwork to do in between, meaning I’d be away from her from 9 to 5. She was really upset, acting almost betrayed, and wanted me to reschedule everything for my Saturday with my son. I said no. She then said she’d come for coffee before my meeting, lunch afterward, and join me and my friend. I’m normally nonconfrontational, but I again said no. She complained all weekend. Now I’m afraid to even schedule a haircut on Saturday, the only time I can go. 

— Overwhelmed

Your girlfriend makes intestinal parasites seem like bong-hitting slackers.

It sounds so nice when a woman tells you she always wants to be by your side -- until you realize that she means like your ear or your right arm. (At a carnival, it must be a tough fit in the Porta-Potty.) Contrary to what you’ve been led to believe, your needing a haircut or wanting to spend time with your son or a guy friend without female supervision isn’t a sign that you’re a failure as a man and a boyfriend. And beyond needing to be off-leash long enough to hit the grocery store, a man needs time to sit on the pot like “The Thinker” or grunt and drool a little in front of the TV.

Don’t mistake this woman for someone who loves you just because she’s in a relationship with you, and love is usually considered the point of that sort of thing. A woman who loved you would want you to be happy and comfortable and would respect that you’re trying to be a good dad, even if it meant seeing you less. If that didn’t work for her, the loving approach would be ending it with you, not guilting you into saying, “Sorry, son…you’ll have to throw the ball across the yard and go get it yourself. Daddy’s girlfriend hasn’t seen him in almost 45 minutes.”

Did you, by some chance, forget your testicles on a picnic table in the summer of 2011? There’s something very wrong with your girlfriend (probably that she never fixed the Big Empty within). She might’ve been compelled to get cracking on the repair job had you stood up to her from the start. But, by wimping out, you enabled her, basically giving her the go-ahead to colonize every moment of your time and giving her a year to get used to it. 

At this point, doing what you obviously need to — getting time to yourself and quality time alone with your son -- should go over like ripping a Band-Aid off a burn victim. But, if you want things to change, you have no other choice than to lay down limits and stay firm on them. It’s possible you’ll lose her, but that surely beats slapping a police officer and tripping a jail guard just to get a few days of alone time in a cramped, windowless cell.

Apocalypse meow

For years, a group of us girls has gone camping, to dinner, to concerts, etc. Our husbands do their own thing together while we hang out. When they bring a new guy into their circle, they seem to think we should automatically accept his female partner. We normally do because we’re nice like that. The problem is, there’s a gal who invites herself to everything she catches wind of from her husband. She consistently creates incredible upheaval, agitation and hurt feelings with her callous remarks and abrasive personality. Triple that when she drinks. Her bad chi is ruining the nurturing dynamic of our loving and supportive group. Help soon, as she’s trying to get in on a camping trip. We’d be stuck with her for five negativity-filled days.

— The Women

Imagine if Hillary Clinton, as secretary of state, communicated like so many other women tend to. Forget the direct approach. She’d roll her eyes behind some prime minister’s back, burn sage after he leaves, and make the Joint Chiefs hold hands and chant, “Shine white light on our borders and restore our protective womb of national security!” 

Men and women approach conflict in very different ways. Men have an easier time being direct because they evolved to be the competitors of the species and see trying to top one another as a normal part of life. If the guys were bugged by a guy in their group, one of them would probably just blurt out, “You’re being a punk. Be less of a punk.”

Women, on the other hand, evolved to be the cooperators, nurturers, and empathizers of the species, prizing group bondedness and keeping the peace. This sounds so much nicer than how the menfolk do things, but actually leads to ugly indirect aggression like dirty looks, spiteful gossip, and shunning. Though it’s best not to go around breaking one another’s noses over who has the cutest shoes, women often end up festering with nastiness, while guys can sometimes sock each other and then go off and have a beer.

Assuming you lack the “Bewitched” skill set — the power to twitch your nose and transform or relocate people and objects — wishing things were different is merely a way to kill time while in line at the supermarket. One of you needs to take this woman aside, gently explain the group culture, and give her a couple examples of things she’s said that don’t quite mesh with it. She also needs to be told that it’s kind of a problem when she gets likkered up.

The direct approach is tough in the moment but ultimately less hurtful than the silent one, and it gives her a chance to mend her ways. If she keeps on harshing, it should be no surprise to her when she’s invited not to come, having been given fair warning that your group is more “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Chi” than “The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pabst.”

The tweakest link

I met this man, and it was instant attraction. I’m a 40-year-old woman with my own place, a car and a good job, and he’s an ex-convict who served four years in prison for selling meth. He’s very loving, but he has no car or driver’s license (it expired during prison), has a minimum-wage job, and is too needy -- always checking up on me and doubting where I am. I pay for our meals, etc., and drive him everywhere. It’s like I’m taking care of a child. I’m trying my best to forget about the material things and just base this on love.

— Weary

It’s a good thing you think the guy’s hot, or you might try to trade up to a serial murderer with a driver’s license.

It must’ve been a kick to get it on with a real bad boy instead of the kind who pulls up on a Harley wearing a leather jacket he bought at the mall. But, assuming you don’t have all the conscience of a dirt clod, how could you make this more than a one-nighter?

Sure, officially, he’s “paid his debt to society,” but he wasn’t in prison for growing pot, the gateway drug to lying in a beanbag chair and reinventing the wheel. He was selling snortable slow suicide, complete with rotting teeth and a “meth mite” bonus — nonexistent but seemingly real crawly bugs that users try to dig out from under their skin with their fingernails or sharp objects, leaving some really sexy open sores. 

Beyond what he’s done to make a buck, he’s now about as independent as one of Paris Hilton’s purse dogs (although he probably asks his “mommy” to buy him a cheaper class of sweater).

You can’t possibly respect him, and if you can’t respect him, you can’t love him. You’ve just been calling this “love” to cover for a bad decision that you let give birth to a whole litter of bad decisions.

You did have help — the flawed machine known as the human brain. When we do something dumb, our brain encourages us to ignore evidence we’ve made a mistake so we can hang on to our shiny image of ourselves as smart people making wise choices. This feels good in the moment but can, say, leave a person working hard to convince herself that she’s shallow and materialistic to want her equal. 

If you can accept making mistakes as a normal, expected part of being human, you can put your braying ego on mute, critically assess all your decisions, and admit your mistakes instead of getting into a committed relationship with them. (There’s no time like the present to start.)

As wonderful as it is to feel needed by a man, it’s best if it’s simply because he loves being around you, not because without you he’d have to eat raw hot dogs out of the package and take two buses to make the meeting with his parole officer.

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(c.) 2012, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA  90405, or e-mail This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it (advicegoddess.com). Weekly radio show: blogtalkradio.com/amyalkon