The Advice Goddess Amy Alkon

You’re the one who’s obsessed with getting in another woman’s pants — being able to wear his ex-girlfriend’s skinny jeans, and not just as arm-warmers.

I know, if he’s going to be chummy with his ex, couldn’t she please be one of those women people charitably describe as “pretty once you get to know her”?

Instead, it seems her 10-step get-gorgeous routine involves “1. Wake up,” while you probably feel you have to put in a half-hour in the bathroom some mornings just to keep from scaring the dog.

And then, some evening when you’re at your glowiest (after a brief struggle to squeeze your muffin-top into steel-belted control-top pantyhose), you need only stand next to her to feel yourself rapidly devolving from arm candy to arm ballast.
It would be easier if she fit the stereotype of the gorgeous girl with the tiny lump of coal heart. Unfortunately, she’s sunshine with legs (sickeningly long, slim legs, with no hint of cankles).

Making matters worse, they had an indiscretion-driven breakup, not an “I’m sick of you” breakup. Whatever could be stopping him from scampering back to her?

Well, it doesn’t sound like you’re exactly a barker, and although men prioritize looks in women, once you’re within the zone of what a guy finds hot/cute/sexy, other stuff comes into play: Are you kind? Does he feel needed, appreciated, understood? Do you click as a couple — naked and clothed? And okay, you aren’t on the short list to be an Abercrombie model, but is every day more fun because you’re in it?

Don’t let on how jealous you feel (it sends a message that you’re not all that), and don’t try to control a man by telling him what to do (it leads to resentment, secretiveness, and rebellion).

You tell a man what to do by making him happy and by being happy with him. Your relationship may eventually end, but if you accept that, you can enjoy the hell out of it while you have it.

For peace of mind, start a conversation about what you appreciate about each other. Listen up and you might get your head around the notion that he’s with you because he’s “lost without you” -- and not because he lost his directions to the skinny girl’s house.

Give till it Hertz
For 10 years, this woman and I have had a hot-and-cold long-distance relationship, the temperature of which she’s always controlled. She’s 56; I’m 46. Last year, she felt ready to try for something lasting. She couldn’t afford to travel, so I paid for her flight. She stayed with me for two wonderful, passionate months, and then we vacationed together in February. I paid for her flight, rental car, hotel, and meals. Again, it was very passionate. Last month, we vacationed together again, funded by me. The day she arrived, she declared her sex life a thing of the past. I was stunned and found sharing the bed rather challenging, but I’ve never forced myself on any woman and I’m not about to start. My friends are now fuming. I counter that in funding everything, it was never my intention to be paying for “horizontal refreshment.” Was she wrong to agree to this trip and then change the terms of our relationship? Am I in denial in not feeling angry?
— Wondering

When you’ve been romantic with a woman for a decade and you’re taking her on yet another “passionate” getaway, it’s reasonable to expect she’ll be interested in doing more in bed than letting you watch as she does the crossword puzzle. (If she’s feeling kinky, you could be in for some mind-blowing sudoku.)

It cost you, what, $3,000 — the price of a TV the size of a small European country — to have her personally deliver the news that she wouldn’t be having sex with you?

You’d be leading your friends in fuming if you hadn’t gotten all tangled up in your self-image as a gentleman. And no, just because a man buys a woman something — dinner, for example — that doesn’t mean she owes him sex.

But, let’s be honest; we all know he isn’t buying dinner out of an overwhelming desire to feed hungry females free lobster, and it isn’t brotherly benevolence that’s behind an all-expenses-paid vacation from a man who does not earn a living as a game show host.

The question is, was this woman’s lack of pre-vacation disclosure a random act of jerkhood, utterly unpredictable, like a Russian satellite landing on some poor schlub’s beater Yugo?

Or, more likely, was it utterly predictable based on years of your showing her you’d take whatever she dished out?

Your lack of anger is telling. Anger gets triggered when you feel somebody’s shorted you on something you were entitled to — like the courtesy of a phone call (before you paid for yet another “passionate vacation”) informing you that the birds are taxidermied and the bees are dead.

Chances are, you’re a too-nice guy — a guy whose “niceness” is actually suckuppy-ness, who believes his perceived loserhood will be “cured” if only he can get into a relationship.

Ironically, the loserhood is caused by the willingness to do anything for love. That doesn’t get you love; it gets you doing anything and everything for it and ending up with blue balls and a big hotel bill.

In the future, even if you can’t quite believe you deserve a mutual relationship, you need to risk acting as if you do, and speak up and even bail whenever one turns out not to be.

Everything won’t always be 50/50, but you and a woman you take on a romantic vacation should be on the same page about the proper placement of the “Do Not Disturb” sign: on the doorknob all weekend, as opposed to around her neck.

You’ve got stale
I’m a woman who’s been online dating for two years. I’ve noticed that people who’ve been on the dating site as long as I have often put up different pictures. By never changing my picture in two years, am I broadcasting that I’m a loser? I feel changing it seems more loserish, as in, “Hey, anyone want me from a different angle?”
— Still Here

Do you also suspect Banana Republic is going out of business every time they update their store windows?

Changing your picture is a way to say “New and Improved!” — a classic advertising gambit that seems to perk up sales despite everybody knowing it probably means “Toothpaste’s largely the same, but check out the butterfly and sparklies we added to the package!”

Keep in mind that research has shown that men are drawn to flirty, smiley shots of women, and common sense says to avoid cropping all your photos at the shoulders, as this leaves a little too much mystery about what shape the rest of you is in.

Have fun while posing and you should seem like you’re having fun putting yourself out there — as opposed to having fears that the next man at your side will be the utility worker who discovers you sitting mummified on your couch.
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(c) 2011, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA  90405, or e-mail This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it (www.advicegoddess.com)
Amy Alkon’s just-published book: “I SEE RUDE PEOPLE: One woman’s battle to beat some manners into impolite society” (McGraw-Hill, $16.95).