The Advice Goddess Amy Alkon

The extramarital sex treaty. Brilliant. A man need only ask his wife to sign on the dotted line, and she’ll start rummaging through her purse for her favorite pen. Before long, he’ll be stumbling through the door all skanko at 11:30 p.m., and she’ll look up from her Sudoku and chirp, “Did you have a nice night with the hookers, dear?”

Yes, life is too short to put up with someone who doesn’t appreciate you — until you and that someone say to each other, “Wouldn’t it be totally cute if we made little people who look just like us?!” Divorce eats children and only seems to be the step to take if the parents’ marriage is chronically and intensely ugly.

In reviewing the body of research on divorce, Dr. Paul R. Amato found that children of divorced parents “score lower … on measures of academic success, conduct, psychological adjustment, self-concept, social competence, and long-term health.” On the bright side, they’re usually able to play their parents against each other so they can get more sugary snacks and much cooler toys.

Of course, on a pure fairness level, you don’t get to be married to somebody and be all “I’m retiring from sexual activity” — not unless you answer “That’s nice, dear” to your spouse’s “I’m just running over to borrow a cup of sex from the lady next door.”

Fairness aside, sending the husband out to shop elsewhere for nookie is a bad idea. Sex between people in a relationship isn’t just a day in naked Disneyland but a way they cleave to each other emotionally and even biochemically and maintain a relationship that goes deeper than a roommate situation with a lifetime lease.

Was I suggesting that they haggle over sex like it’s a scarf in a bazaar? Well, yes, but it sounds better when you call it “coming to a marital compromise.” By talking about how often he’d like to have sex and how often she’s willing to put out, they may stem the resentment that builds up when needs go ignored and find out whether there’s anything she needs that he isn’t providing.

I wrote recently about Dr. Rosemary Basson’s breakthrough work on female sexual desire — how women in long-term relationships sometimes have to start fooling around for desire to come. Even if these two don’t know that, if they start scheduling sex dates, they’re likely to find out. In the process, they should develop conflict resolution skills beyond simply refusing to put up with anyone who doesn’t appreciate them. That idea’s great in concept, but take it to its inevitable conclusion and, well, who’s going to take care of the millions of children who get dropped off at the fire station with a bag lunch and a note?

Sex and the cellar
I’m 26, and I’m trying to start my own business as an events photographer. To save money, I’ve moved into my parents’ house. I have been dating some and get the feeling that girls aren’t so keen that I live with my parents. But then, part of me thinks, so what? I’m saving and doing the right thing.
— Basement Dweller

Living at home puts a certain crimp in sexytime. A woman can’t help but picture getting it on with you only to have your mom interrupt with “Hey, you kids, just lift your feet while I vacuum.”

In this economy, moving in with your parents is somewhat more acceptable than it’s been, but 26 is kind of pushing it in many women’s eyes.

Women look for a man to show potential — and not just the potential to mooch off his parents for the next five decades. You’ll improve your chances with the ladies if you present your current living situation as part of a serious business plan, which suggests that there’s light at the end of the basement, and not just from the furnace pilot. That’s right; you’re a man who’s going places. Just as soon as your mom pulls your laundry out of the dryer.

Guru, interrupted
My husband is extremely analytical, to the point where he has a negative or argumentative response to almost anything I say — including positive or even insignificant things. Then, when he makes some remark, unless I respond with “I agree” or “uh-huh,” he debates me. I’ve repeatedly asked him to stop making everything an argument, but he insists that he’s just giving his “honest opinion.” I go for counseling, but he refuses to, saying he won’t talk to “some stranger” about us. He’s turning my happy self into a miserable, depressed self.
— Always Wrong

Nothing brings out the eighth-grade debate champion in a man like being asked to weigh in on life’s big philosophical questions: “What is death, and should we fear it?”, “Why is there something rather than nothing?” and “More orange juice, dear?”

How fun that you never know whether you’ll be enjoying breakfast with your husband or petitioning him for a new trial. Of course, he knows, as we all do, that there are remarks that aren’t meant to be responded to as if one were testifying before Congress. “Nice weather we’re having”? Just say “Yes, dear.” No need to counter with data on sunspots, cloud cover, and death rates of baby polar bears.

A man doesn’t make his wife’s every innocuous comment a springboard for an intellectual death match because he’s “analytical” and “honest” but because he feels like a skin tag among men. What your husband’s showing you isn’t love; it’s narcissism. The term “narcissist” comes from the story of Narcissus, who fell in love with his reflection in the water -- how he appeared, not who he really was. Narcissists are self-absorbed, manipulative users. What they lack in empathy they make up for in a sucking need for admiration. To a narcissist, other people aren’t so much people as they are staging areas for the narcissist’s greatness.

A loving husband understands that there’s a right answer and a more-right answer — the one that doesn’t leave his wife feeling depressed and beaten down. You need to decide whether staying married is more important to you than being happy, because if he is a narcissist, he’s unlikely to change. Narcissists rarely agree to therapy, as they can’t take the challenge to their manufactured authority or let anyone expose them as the tiny little people they actually are.

You may be able to control your husband’s behavior by giving him boundaries for what you’ll put up with and being truly willing to walk if he keeps crossing them. But, if that’s what your marriage comes down to — a husband who acts like less of a bully so you won’t leave — is that enough? You could actually have love in your life … if you’re with a man capable of loving. That man will watch you as you sleep — because he can’t take his eyes off you, not because he’s waiting for you to talk in your sleep so he can shake you awake and correct you: “Honey! ... Honey! You are the weakest link.”

Wait training
Use of technology in dating is leaving my single girlfriends bewildered and annoyed. For example, one went on a date with this guy. The date went well, then silence ... for two weeks — until he texted her, inviting her over for dinner. She’s irritated that he didn’t even call, and that he waited so long, and is considering not accepting. Is texting instead of calling a valid reason to write a guy off?
— Wondering

Not every guy’s a talking-on-the-phone person, and that’s okay, but there’s much to be said for polite timing.

Texting a girl the day after a date (even just “great time, call u soon”) says a guy’s interested. Texting two weeks later says he’s explored every other option, including hookers and suicide, and settled for her.

Unless this guy followed up his text by calling from a hospital bed and explaining “A dog ate my iPhone — and part of my arm,” he should no longer be in the running. Behavior predicts behavior. It also illustrates character (like an interest in others’ feelings).

But, let’s say vanishing for two weeks without a word (or even a “wrd”) is out of character for this guy. He might’ve redeemed himself if he’d just manned up — called to express some remorse for disappearing and apologized.

At least then he’d be telling your friend “I know I don’t get to do this to you” instead of “You seem like a woman who lets men walk all over her. My turn Tuesday at 7:30? And don’t worry, I promise — no hard-soled shoes or muddy hiking boots until the third date.”
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(c) 2011, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA  90405, or e-mail This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it (www.advicegoddess.com)