The Advice Goddess Amy Alkon

Sure, the guy could’ve been on Match to cancel his membership -- or to inflate his salary and height. He’s just getting out of a 10-year marriage. This is the time for a man to play the field — or, in Tennyson’s words, “When sprung, a young man’s fancy turns to ill-advised sex with a string of bar sluts.”

Whoops, just as he was about to finish picking the lock on his ball and chain, up popped you. He likes you, he’s having fun with you, but the timing is still the timing. Instead of expecting him to take himself off the market before he’s even signed his divorce papers, consider that his comparison shopping is not only in his best interest but yours. If, after seeing who’s out there, he comes back to you, it’s because he wants you for all the things you are, as opposed to the one thing you’re not: his almost-ex-wife.

Of course, you want to nail down a good thing — especially when you suspect it’s been trolling the Internet for your replacement. But, having the “define the relationship” talk at this point would most likely define the relationship right out of existence. You can’t make a man commit. What you can do is make the most out of whatever time you have together —which takes accepting that things end and that you can’t order up love without the risks: “I’ll take the candle-lit dinners, regular sex, and somebody to snake the drain — but no heartbreak, no pickles, and a Diet Coke with three ice cubes.”

It’s actually when you stop trying to hang on to a guy and you just try to have fun hanging out that he’s more likely to want to stick around. Tell this guy you understand his situation and the timing, and just ask whether he’s dating other women.

He should get the sense that you aren’t somebody he can put on hold indefinitely, and you should set up some sort of cutoff date in your own mind to ensure that he won’t. Meanwhile, if he isn’t exclusive to you, you should make yourself a little less available. Give him a chance to miss you. In time, maybe he’ll be all yours — or maybe he won’t. If you need a guarantee, date a washing machine. You can tell people you met online — on Sears.com: “I flirted with a Whirlpool first, but he had me at 30 percent off until midnight.”

Fade To blackheads
My girlfriend is cute, but I’ve never really been attracted to her or found her intellectually interesting. Perhaps it’s unfair that I’ve stayed for so long (two and a half years), but there’s much I love and admire about her. She’s compassionate, ethical, good-humored, and patient, and she treats me like a king — cooks extraordinary meals, gives me backrubs and rejuvenating skin care treatments. Is there hope for us?
— Pampered

There’s much you love and admire about your girlfriend — like the way she plucks those little stray hairs from between your brows. Just think where you’d be without her. Well, probably in a sexually and intellectually fulfilling relationship, but with much larger pores. Maybe you believe that if you like a woman as a person, everything will fall into place. She’ll get interesting. Sexual attraction will come. Or, maybe that’s what you tell yourself to keep those cucumber facials coming. You obviously have minimum standards for a girlfriend. Hold them up to women you meet, and ditch those who don’t measure up — before they spend two years waiting on Your Royal Highness. Unfortunately, the love you now have will be hard to replace. Unless, of course, you can score an appointment at the corner massage place, buy yourself dinner afterward, and, on your way home, stop off at the drugstore for some Biore face strips.
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(c) 2010, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA  90405, or e-mail This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it (www.advicegoddess.com)