The Advice Goddess Amy Alkon

“Hey, honey!” you call to your girlfriend, who looks up from the sink where she’s rinsing out plastic bags to reuse. “How do I look in my spiffy new jacket?” Of course, you’re fishing for a compliment — “Like a million bucks!” — not an estimate: “Like $8,040 in debt, if you don’t count fees and interest.”

Unfortunately, one man’s el-cheapo ski jacket is one woman’s quilted nylon warning sign. The way you see it, it’s not like you did a P. Diddy and splurged on some one-of-a-kind parka they had to kill 20 ostriches and a baby seal to make. The way she sees it, there’s always going to be a $40 something-or-other twinkling at you from a store window, and instead of the voice of fiscal prudence, you’ll hear “Visa: It’s everywhere you want to be!” (Modeling cut-rate ski-wear in bankruptcy court?)

Couples who have no problem laying out their weird sex proclivities on date three go all shy schoolgirl when it comes to talking about money, or figure they’ll just get married and work out the financial nitty-gritty later. Bad idea. A person’s relationship with money is complex: It comes out of how they were raised, experiences they’ve had, and their genetics.

You and your girlfriend are overdue for a frank discussion about how you each view money (Hopes! Fears!

Dreams!), the origins of your thinking, and where you think your shortcomings are. Opening up about your money issues should help you have compassion for each other’s fears: in her case, living pawn ticket to pawn ticket; in your case, spending a lifetime having your allowance docked by your mother.

You can probably come up with reasons for buying that ski jacket (“No sooner did I come home than she was raining on my parade!”). But, since you’re about to enter a partnership, it would be a show of good faith to act more like a partner — like your actions have bearing on the whole.

You and she should probably have a joint account for mutual expenses (bills, trips, savings) and separate accounts to use as you wish. As long as you’re paying off your debt and aren’t racking up more, you two should have a deal that she doesn’t get to lecture you or even give you an eye roll about what you buy. But, before you marry, be sure that you can accept each other’s differences.

For a relationship to work, you need to find “that thing your partner does” endearingly annoying as opposed to annoyingly annoying…even if you can’t buy into their notion that the fundamental human needs are air, water, food, shelter and bugging the dog with the coolest new battery-operated, radio-controlled helicopter.

Speed hating
I met a guy online, and after two four-hour phone conversations, he declared he felt a “deep connection.” We had a romantic date, during which he made repeated declarations of his feelings. The next morning, he sent a somewhat angry text, observing that I’d logged in again on the dating site, and while I didn’t owe him anything, he found it odd. This led me to (stupidly and prematurely) proclaim him “the total package” for me and say I wouldn’t see anyone else. He stopped responding several days later. Weeks later, I got a strange phone call, and thought it was him. It wasn’t, but he asked me out. Our date was great, but he kept taking a half day to return texts. He claimed he’d just been busy at work, but I don’t think expecting a response before six hours pass is being overly needy. I heard nothing from him until two weeks later, when I mass e-mailed my new cell number. We had another date, and he asked for exclusivity, and even said he wouldn’t mind if I got pregnant. The next day, we sent friendly texts, but he again stopped responding. Now, I’m ending it for sure, but I’m reticent to date anyone else for fear this will happen again.
— Bitten

When you and the man in your life are talking about having a child, there are certain basic questions you need to ask yourselves, and they should be things like “Can we afford this?” and “Who will stay home with the kid?” not “Have we had a third date?”

I see so many red flags here, it’s hard to tell whether I’m being asked to give advice or send birthday greetings to Chairman Mao.

There are two kinds of people who have four-hour phone conversations with near strangers, and they are airplane passengers who forgot to charge their iPad and people who are not merely looking for love but desperate to find it. The latter waste no time in proclaiming their “deep connection.” Emotionally healthy adults might get caught up in a moment (or hours of them), but they’re generally mindful that you find out who people are by observing them — in person, over time — and see whether what they say matches what they do. (Text this guy if you’re pregnant. He may or may not get back to you.)

Your problem isn’t who you date but who you are: a girl who needs love way too much to be in a position to land any. You can really, really want love, and be really, really sick of putting a bowtie on your cat and pretending you’re on a date.

If you aren’t driven by neediness, you understand that an appropriate post-first-date text is “Hope to see you again soon!” — not “I’ve been monitoring your Internet activity and I couldn’t help but notice that you aren’t acting in a manner befitting a loving and faithful wife.”

Only when you work on yourself to the point where you’re okay being alone are you ready to look for somebody else. Go looking prematurely, and there surely will be another guy like this one — one who right away says stuff like “I can’t bear to have you away from my side,” and before you know it, is showing you that he’s a man of his word by chaining you to his water pipe.

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(c) 2010, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA  90405, or e-mail This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it (www.advicegoddess.com)

Amy Alkon’s just-published book: “I SEE RUDE PEOPLE: One woman’s battle to beat some manners into impolite society” (McGraw-Hill, $16.95).