The Advice Goddess Amy Alkon

It’s crushing to learn that you aren’t “the one,” just “the one in Kentucky,” a la “Stunned wife discovers husband of 15 years has second wife and family in another state!” Of course, your guy not only told you there was another woman but seems to have stopped just short of giving you a dossier of all her flight times and confirmation numbers. So, what’s next on your agenda, flying into a rage that the cat you adopted refuses to bound to your gate and bark at intruders or railing that a wino uses the $10 you flipped him to buy Boone’s Farm instead of tickets to the art museum?

This guy may like you plenty and may make some very relationshippy sounds, but he’s had tickets to Sexapalooza 2010 for quite some time, and he isn’t about to rip them up. You’re gambling he’ll decide you’re so fab that he will, and he’s gambling you’ll decide he’s so fab that you’ll pledge to wait for him and wave a little temporary goodbye: “Good luck! Have fun! Try not to catch anything!”

You could give him an ultimatum -- either he gets his man-paw out of the long-distance cookie jar or you’re history. If you take this tack, be prepared to walk -- and to turn your head and notice, to your disappointment, that nobody’s running after you. Should you decide to just suck it up and do something else (or someone else) while he’s on his three-week sexcation, be prepared to find yourself feeling less than loving and charitable toward him upon his return. Waiting around also sets up a really bad power dynamic -- making it clear that you’re okay with being the B-Team: You’re on the bench, some other woman’s in the bed, and you’re hoping against hope that she’ll sprain something.

You want to be mature about this? Great! Admit what you’ve known all along: this guy’s a catch with a catch, and you’re suffering because you’ve been acting like he’s available when he’s only available-ish. In light of that, the wisest approach is probably breaking up now, letting time pass, and seeing how you both feel in the future. If you feel like trying again, find out why they called it quits: whether they aren’t compatible on a day-to-day basis, or whether it’s just that Southwest doesn’t fly wherever it is she went to, I dunno, collect yak scat. Sure, you want to be the chosen one, but not because he suddenly finds himself in the mood for a lower carbon footprint and more leg room.
Canine and a half weeks

My boyfriend adopted a beady-eyed pit bull mix three months ago and shows it more affection than he shows me. He talks to it like it understands everything he says, then praises it for not answering. When I said the dog’s clueless silence does not mean agreement, he got mad and consoled “Heather” as if I’d hurt her feelings. He even wants it in our bed.
— Barking Mad

If there’s a challenge to your relationship, you expect it to at least come from a member of your own species -- one whose lingerie labels read “Victoria’s Secret,” not “PETCO.” Take your boyfriend out for drinks, tell him what’s great about your relationship, and see what he has to say when you explain that you’re feeling a little hurt that you now seem to come second to a creature that scoots its butt on the rug. It’s possible he has commitment issues and is trying to push you away, or wants to break up but is trying to force you to do the deed. It’s also possible that you’ve discovered who your boyfriend really is -- a guy who has deep conversations with his dog. If so, you may decide that there’s a conflict in sensibilities that just can’t be bridged. In that case, I think you know what he’ll say: “Heather says to tell you, ‘Don’t let the doggie door hit you on the way out.’”
Not wanton any ....

I started seeing this amazing guy, but had to initiate most of the making out. He soon dumped me, saying he has little experience and was freaking out. (He’s 40, and has only had three girlfriends.) We got back together, but he still wasn’t initiating, and six months in, still hadn’t had sex with me. After a perfect date, I told him I wanted to make love to him. He said he wasn’t up for that kind of attachment, hightailed it out of my place, and ended it again. We’re friends now, but I’ve fallen totally in love with him. I can tell he’s attracted to me, but my friends think he’s gay or sexually dysfunctional. I told him I wouldn’t care about the latter. He’s too great to walk away from. He gets my weird artwork and disturbing humor, and we work great together on art projects. I’m considering making my upcoming 40th birthday my deadline and telling him what I REALLY want. If he cannot commit or initiate sex, I’m leaving! Right?
— Frustrated
 
There are some subtle signs that somebody’s attracted to you: dilated pupils, flushed face, heavier breathing, taking off out the back door like somebody fired the gun at the beginning of a track meet…
 It is possible that you mumbled when propositioning the guy, and your “I want to make love to you!” sounded exactly like “Did I mention that terrorists planted a bomb under my couch, and it’s timed to go off at any moment?” But, chances are, the truth is exactly as it seems: While you’re dying to get him into bed, he’d rather get into a cannon with a lit fuse.

Yes, maybe he’s gay, maybe his man parts are on the fritz, or maybe he’s less interested in sex than in being slowly eaten alive by fire ants. The why of this is unimportant; what matters is that you want something that he can’t provide. Great, he likes the same weird artwork, but don’t be looking to him for anything racier than an afternoon of fully clothed collage-making (“Want the glue stick?” being a euphemism for “Want the glue stick?”).

Come on, you know that continuing to demand sex and commitment from this guy is dumb — dumb like sitting yourself down in a vegan restaurant and refusing to leave until they bring you barbequed ribs with a side of hog cracklins. You’ve latched onto the common excuse for this sort of self-destructive behavior: “Help, I’ve fallen in love, and I can’t get up!” There’s a good chance you are in love — with the chase. You avoid admitting that this is a lost cause by clinging to “This would be so perfect, if only…” Yes, if only he were somebody totally different -- a man who can’t wait to have sex with you instead of a man who probably redresses you with his eyes: Show cleavage, and he’ll mentally put you in a poncho.

For your birthday, give yourself the gift of living while fully conscious. Identify men who are broken, pat them on the head, and send them on their way. The weirder your sensibilities, the harder it’ll be to find a boyfriend who shares them. Maybe you can’t, but maybe you can make a bunch of friends who do. Relationships always require compromise, but there’s trying to make it work with a guy who likes sex in the morning when you like it in evening -- and there’s trying to make it work with one who likes it on February 30th.
•
(c) 2010, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA  90405, or e-mail This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it (www.advicegoddess.com)

Amy Alkon’s just-published book: “I SEE RUDE PEOPLE: One woman’s battle to beat some manners into impolite society” (McGraw-Hill, $16.95).