|
|
The Advice Goddess
Amy Alkon |
After my boyfriend and I returned from a teaching stint abroad, he broke up with me. I was devastated but eventually started seeing somebody else. He got really jealous and flew out a few times to see me until I said yes to getting back together. We’ve had a phone relationship since January, with visits whenever possible. Well, I’m starting grad school on the East Coast, and won’t be mobile for three years. But, as for moving to be with me, he’s now saying he doesn’t know if he can leave San Francisco. It’s not even a job keeping him there! He’s unemployed and still unwilling to leave one of the most expensive cities! He simply just wants to live there. I’m wondering if all the waiting’s worth it since he isn’t willing to work very hard for us to be together.
— Dismayed
Who says you can’t take the man out of San Francisco? Just force him
into the trunk of your car at gunpoint and promise him a bathroom break
and a Snickers when you hit Bakersfield.
So, the guy chases you down, wins you back, and now he’s not sure
whether it’s you or that tramp with the cable cars? That’s not how love
is supposed to work. According to Shakespeare, the Bronte sisters, and
every romantic comedy ever made, love is throwing aside everything to
crawl across broken glass on four continents, only to die in your
beloved’s arms. This, on the other hand, is like Romeo texting Juliet
(on parchment delivered by servants), “OMG, not sure if i can give up
pizza nite w family 2 b w/u.”
In the real world, for people with more to them than an obsessive
connection to another human being, there are often practical
considerations: whether they both want kids, who’s going to pay for
them, whether they’ll join the Hari Krishnas or keep working as tax
accountants. While some people can live anywhere as long as they’re with
the person they love, for many, where they wake up and walk out the
door every day is no small thing. It’s not just the place, but the way
of life in a particular place (“The city that never sleeps” versus “the
suburb that never wakes up”).
The guy might love you, but he’s made his priority clear: He’s left his
heart in San Francisco, and the rest of him is staying to keep it
company. Chances are, he got so focused on winning you back, he forgot
to ask himself “And then what?” Now that he’s won you, he’s all
“Actually, I’m kind of attached to fog, earthquakes, and stepping over a
wino to get into my favorite patisserie.”
It’s a lucky thing he figured that out before he gave up his apartment
and moved to Collegetown. (Love in a place you hate quickly becomes
seething resentment.) If you don’t resent him too much, maybe you and he
will try to keep it going long distance while you’re in school. If so,
you need to be practical, too: Ask yourself how you feel about spending
the rest of your days in San Francisco, because you probably won’t get
the guy out of there for any length of time — not until you can fit him
into an urn.
Lite Boor
I was on a first date, and the guy arrived at the pub before me. The
waitress took my order and asked if I’d like to start a tab. I paused,
and when he didn’t offer, I gave her my card. He ended up buying my next
two drinks, and I had a pretty good time, but thinking about it now,
I’m mad he let me pay at all. After all, he asked me out.
— Rehashing
On the bright side, when the final bill came, he didn’t get up and make
tracks for the ladies’ room. Things are really confusing now about who
pays. By the end of the date, he knew it was okay to pick up the tab.
But, when the waitress first came, he had a millisecond to figure out
are you a feminist, will you hate him for paying, accuse him of being
personally responsible for lowering the glass ceiling 10 feet? Before he
could work all that out, you’d handed over your Visa and ordered your
appletini.
Ask yourself if you’re quick to prosecute for something so minor because
you go in expecting the worst. If so, you might change that, or instead
of a boyfriend, you can have a grudge. And yes, the person who does the
inviting should pay -- to a point. On the second date, it’s nice to
avoid being one of those women who, when the check comes, goes rooting
around in her purse -- and pulls out a mint.
•
(c) 2010, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. Got a problem? Write Amy
Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or e-mail
This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it
(www.advicegoddess.com)
Amy Alkon’s just-published book: “I SEE RUDE PEOPLE: One woman’s battle
to beat some manners into impolite society” (McGraw-Hill, $16.95).
|
