Stephen Black

By JOHN NORTH

HENDERSONVILLE — Stephen Black, billed in an introduction as “the love child of Smokey the Bear and Kate Smith,”  spoke about the ups and downs of being a highly controversial free-lance columnist during an Aug. 13 program in Kaplan Auditorium in the Henderson County Public Library.

Black, who has written a column for the Hendersonville Times-News daily newspaper for 18 years, drew a standing-room-only crowd of around 160 people, with a number of late-comers turned away at the door because of city fire regulations.

The evening program, which drew a mainly gray-haired audience, was sponsored by the Friends of HCPL.

Black spoke for about 30 minutes, fielded questions for another half-hour and then signed copies of his book, “On Borrowed Time,” which is also the name of his weekly column in the HT-N.

Black, who repeatedly promoted his book during the program, began by noting matter-of-factly, “Basically, I’m here to talk about the book. It’s $18 — that’s cheap, considering the time I put into it.”

He noted that, in 1987, he began writing letters to the editor to the HT-N after  “I saw trees going down” around Hendersonville and “nobody cared .... I decided to get into trouble with the city and county governments — and I’ve been in trouble ever since.”

Regarding the city’s trees, he aded, “I went before City Council and told them if we chop them all down, we’re not going to have anything left.”

Later, he gathered some others who felt the same way and spent “10 solid months” and “got a tree ordinance passed” and a tree board formed” by the city.

What’s more, he said, “It turns out my letters were getting me a reputation for being outrageous.”

In 1990, “I basically got on my knees to (HT-N Editor) Joy Franklin and asked if I could have a column every week. She offered me a strollers’ column. I took it.” (Franklin is now the editorial-page editor of the Asheville Citizen-Times.)
However, instead of writing the typical around-town observations, Black started writing sizzling commentaries. With its placement in the middle of the newspaper, Black said the editors “got ancy about that.”

To Black’s relief, eventually “Joy Franklin said, ‘We’ll let you have a regular column, but you’ll have to obey my rules,” which included not writing commentary. With a wink to the audience, Black said he agreed to Franklin’s demands.

However, he continued to express his opinions, prompting the paper to hold what Black termed “a council of war,” with then-editorial-page editor Gene Whitmore suggesting that his column be named “The Mud Creek Rambler,” which is how it appeared from 1991 to 1995.

Black praised Franklin for taking “a really big chance on me because she knew, at the time, I was a practicing alcoholic.” Regarding his drinking habit, he quipped, “It took no practice.” Franklin’s main concern with him was whether he could meet a deadline, which he convinced her he could — and he did.

In 1995, Franklin and the other HT-N editors finally killed the Mud Creek Rambler column “and said, ‘We’re going to give you a column once per week on the editorial page.’”

He added that Franklin told him that “‘You can say anything you want.’ Then, she took five steps back and said, ‘Well, not everything.’”

On Feb. 4, 1995, Black’s first column appeared on the paper’s editorial page with a bang — as he took that stance that “We didn’t owe the Japanese an apology” for dropping atomic bombs on them to end World War II. He noted that, in his view, the human casualty cost for the United States to beat Japan with conventional warfare was just too great.

Suffice it to say, “I heard from many people” who were infuriated by his stance, Black said.

His new column was named “On Borrowed Time” because since early in life, doctors had told him he would be lucky to make it to age 50 because of heart problems. Also, he noted that his first column appeared “on, basically, my 50th birthday,” so he felt he was living literally on borrowed time.

As for what he has learned from being a columnist, Black said, “Most people have a sense of humor, but a lot of people don’t. I’ve written so many spoof columns” that have riled up those who took them seriously.

For instance, he once wrote about his solution to fixing the ailing Social Security system, using the Dewey Decimal System and dividing by the number of registered voters in Maine — and so on.

In response, Black said someone from Brevard wrote a letter to the editor accusing him of “obfuscation.”

“So I wrote another column,” noting that the original one was meant as a joke, Black said.

Undeterred, the man fired back with another letter to the editor, “saying he has a sense of humor ‘(as) keen as mustard.’ I thought, ‘That’s pretty dry mustard.’” The crowd laughed at Black’s characterization of the man’s sense of humor.

In another spoof, Black told of writing a column that complained about the government — unjustifiably — taking away an hour every year via daylight savings time.

“Someone wrote back (in a letter to the editor) and said, ‘But they give it back to us six months’ later.’” However, Black deadpanned, “It’s a stale hour,” likening it to six-month-old bread.

A number of other letter-writers, who also did not realize that Black was joking, wrote the paper letters to the editor, arguing that the time change “evens out” in the end.

In his memory, Black said, “It’s the columns where I’m spoofing” that stand out most in his memory.

The column evoking the most wrath was written in 1992 or ‘93, when he — mischieviously — contended that the best barbecue in the world is sliced.

“I got 47 letters (to the editor) the first day, including one from the mayor of Saluda ... I was called everything under the sun.”

After a pause, Black prompted much laugher from the audience when he quipped, “Basically, my parents WERE married,” contrary to the contentions of the angry barbecue letter-writers.

Ironically, Black said he can write about such touchy topics as abortion or Republicans and Democrats, without catching much flak, “but if you’re going to stay safe (in Hendersonville), don’t write anything about barbecue.”

Without naming names, Black also told of the time he infuriated a former Hendersonville mayor.

“I wrote if the people of Pamplona, Spain, can have a running of the bulls to get their frustrations out, then Hendersonville could have a running of the mayor.”

Black’s column suggested arming the unhappy citizens with stun guns, giving the mayor a 300-yard lead. He envisioned the mayor scampering on a circuitous path culminating atop the flagpole in front of City Hall.

“The mayor — he didn’t like it,” Black noted, as the audience laughed.

“I’m always thinking about community — trying to get us into the national news,” he said. In referring to the area’s main crop, around which a festival is held annually, he noted, “Apples are good — they keep you ‘regular,’” but he said they are not exciting.

In his life, he has spent lots of time in Maine, which is famous for lobster boils; and the Chesapeake Bay area of Maryland, which has crab boils.

“We don’t have lobsters or crabs — at least, not most of us (in a light-hearted reference to crabs as a disease), but we do have bears,” Black said.

“I thought we could have a bear boil ... The problem is getting a bear,” which would have to be kept in a cage.

Thus, he wrote a column, urging the citizenry to obtain a sliding board and a water tank, in which the liquid would be boiled for three or four days.

“The problem is you gotta get the bear out of the cage and up the ladder.” His solution was to place steaks to draw the bear out of the cage and then use “volunteers” — with good insurance coverage — to prod the bear up the ladder with sharp sticks.

“Once he gets to the top, gravity will take over” and Hendersonville would have the biggest bear boil in recorded history, Black wrote.

He told the audience he had no idea that he would hear from so many animal-lovers, who were infuriated with his column.
“I love bears — and I explained that I was spoofing ... This (column-writing) business I’m in is a strange business.”

In concluding, Black said, “Lots of people out there are smart and their voice is never heard. One of the things I try to do is give the little guy a voice.”

To that end, he added, “I always encourage peeople to fight City Hall,” if they have a legitimate grievance.

The government is supposed to be “of, for and by the people,” Black contended. “That’s why we need to be like the people with the bear, nudging him up the stairs with that sharp stick.”